From MadCap's Couch - "Doctor Who: The Christmas Invasion"

"Okay, gang! We need to figure out how to get out of the RTD era. Thoughts?"

Get it? Because it's July?

Christmas in July?

No? No. I guess it's not that funny. Oh, well. Let's get on with it.


Mickey is working in a parking garage and listening to Slade when he hears the TARDIS engines going off. Meeting up with Jackie (who actually had a very somber moment where she looks at a present for Rose and sighs), they unite just in time to see the TARDIS crashland and for David Tennant to emerge in the clothes of Christopher Eccleston's Doctor to a chorus of orgasmic squees from his fangirls. He babbles a bit at them, wishing them a Merry Christmas, and then falls unconscious. Rose exits and has to explain that that man is, in fact, the Doctor.

Jackie gets the "Doctor Who?!" joke...insert Rocket Raccoon's totally real laughter here.

After the opening titles, we see the Doctor in bed recovering from his ordeal. If you don't really care for this, then get used to it - David Tennant's Doctor has his first outing being stuck in bed for nearly all of it while his companion has drama with the family she callously abandoned and only seems to actually care about when she wants support from them.

Yep. It's been four months, but Rose Tyler still gets my hate boner.

Rose Tyler is Awful Count: 5,055,636,212

I'm nothing if not ready to bring this running joke back from the dead. It's good to be back!

But yes, the Doctor is comatose for most of the episode. Rose checks his hearts and finds them beating, Russell able to slip in a joke about him having two dicks through Jackie's dialogue, and the Doctor expels a strange, glowy particle effect after they've left the room.

Worth noting, by the way, is that Jackie mentions that the stethoscope she brings Rose comes from a medical student lodging with someone...hmm...

(No, I doubt this was a Martha reference this early, but I have plenty of elliptic trees for such an occasion)

Rose and Jackie have a discussion about the new Doctor that is showing the companion's inner trauma when dealing with a new face...something that isn't often dealt with in the show before this point, so kudos there. What completely undercuts it, however, is when Rose asks Jackie about what is going on with her having a pair of men's pajamas that the Doctor is now wearing...and gets distracted by a television broadcast.

You say the plot is going, I say it's another instance of Rose not giving a shit about her supposed loved ones.

Rose Tyler is Awful Count: 5,055,636,213

But yes, it seems that Harriet Jones, MP for Running Joke has become the Prime Minister just as the Doctor predicted way back at the end of  World War Three. It seems the British people have actually gathered up enough money to put a man in a track suit up a ladder and have instead put it to developing a satellite called the Guinevere One, which is due to reach Mars on Christmas Eve. Unfortunately, it gets caught by a much larger spaceship with the ominous music telling us that this is not a very good thing.

"Get that Time Lord some Listerine!"

A bit later, Rose and Mickey are out doing some last last minute shopping. Cheerful, not at all sinister music plays and Mickey seems to have finally shaken off a bit of Rose's mind control as he is happily and openly snarking at her expense when she tries to wax philosophic about traveling in the TARDIS. Of course, he also tries once more to get Rose back into the spirit of the season by ignoring her concerns about the Doctor possibly dying.

...yeah, I'm actually not going to add on to the Rose counter for this one. The concerns are legitimate because she doesn't have a clue what's going on. Yes, I'm defending Rose. Unfortunately, this also comes at the expense of me starting a Mickey Smith Is Awesome Count.

I'll get back to you when I'm done vomiting and crying.

...

...okay, I'm back.

Totally not sinister Santas playing music zero in on their position and cause chaos amid the crowd. Rose believing instantly that they're after them because they're after the Doctor. Admittedly, she's right...but it's still jumping to conclusions. As Torchwood and other spin-off shows will show us, Rose, there are plenty of things going on in the universe - even crazy space things - that do not revolve around you.

Rose Tyler is Awful Count: 5,055,636,214

Returning to the Powell Estate, Rose tries to convince Jackie to leave for somewhere safer...and then notices a Christmas Tree that wasn't there before. Which promptly comes to life and tries to kill them all. Cornered in Jackie's bedroom, a plea from Rose gets the Doctor to snap into consciousness long enough to blow it up with the sonic screwdriver. Clad in a bathrobe, the Doctor steps out and threatens the Steampunk Chris Kringles...who all get teleported away. The Doctor calls them "pilot fish" and, before collapsing again, warns Rose and that something's bigger is coming.

Whether or not the robot Santas are connected to the actual Big Bad of the episode, I'm not exactly sure. And I really don't think the episode is, either. And they show up for the Season 3 Christmas Special as well in a similar manner, so who knows?

Regardless, the Doctor gets tucked back into bed with only one of his hearts beating, much to Rose's distress. Mickey does a check on the internet while the Television of Exposition kicks on to tell them of the Guinevere One space probe...and Mickey checks the internet on pilot fish, finding that the Doctor's analysis is correct - pilot fish don't swim far away from the sharks they co-habitate with. A point driven further home when the video of Mars comes in (even those they were supposed to be photographs have a second earlier) and skull-faced alien screams at the camera.

Oh, it's not the alien. They all just read the finale script.

Naturally, this being the world of Doctor Who where alien invasions happen every other week...the world goes completely nuts because "Holy shit! Aliens!". This highlights kind a weird thing in Doctor Who that, until now, hasn't really been addressed and doesn't really get addressed again in spite of the tone of this episode's ending.

To this point, just in the television show, the Earth has been invaded at least half a dozen times at periods in history before the 21st century (to say nothing of later events like the Dalek Invasion of Earth in the 22nd). This includes at least one where everyone on the planet was knocked unconscious, by the way. Sure, we have had conspiracy theorists like Clive way back in Rose, but by this point in the Whoniverse, the general public should have some idea that something isn't quite right, if not outright know that there's some crazy shit out there.

Harriet Jones nonetheless gets called in to the Tower of London (though I'm certain I'll get corrected on that) where she meets with Guinevere one's creator - Mr. Welsh Name - and with a gentleman from UNIT in their second New Who appearance...with none of the familiar faces of UNIT around. Harriet informs Mr. Welsh Name that there are indeed aliens among them, and that the satellite transmission was not a prank as the cover story suggests.

After a slight nod to the Ice Warriors (most likely pointing to an unseen adventure during the Second, Third, or Fourth Doctor eras where UNIT encountered and/or fought the Ice Warriors - go fanfiction writers, go!), with the help of UNIT, they manage to track the incoming spaceship. Mickey hacks into UNIT again so that he, Rose, and Jackie can keep up with the plot. Four of the aliens - later called the Sycorax - are in the Bohemian Rhapsody formation and the lead gives some words that oddly don't get translated, as Rose is quick to point out. The TARDIS should be doing it for her...but with the Doctor on the fritz, it's not.

Back at UNIT, Harriet and guy from UNIT get a jab in at Americans (because why not?) and the Sycorax language is taking a while to translate. They have exactly five hours before the ship hits. Cue dramatic bits of the Doctor being feverish, newscasts of ominous doom, and Harriet asking about a Code 9 (a sighting of the Doctor) before bringing up...Torchwood.

Remember my long tirade about how "Bad Wolf" was a pair of words that didn't actually mean anything but Russell thought they sounded cool, so he threw them into the season and tried to pass them off as an Arc?

This is that, but for Season 2.

Sorry in advance, but Rose Tyler doesn't get to turn into a giant tree on fire and kill off the Daleks.

Oh, and spoiler alert, the Daleks will be back at the end of the season.

With the Sycorax language translated, the message becomes clear - the Sycorax plan to come to Earth to enslave them. Harriet handles it well, offering them an olive branch and making it clear that if they don't take it, Earth will fight back.

Seriously, despite the running joke about her name, I do actually like Harriet Jones. She has awesome moments and this is one of them.

"This is the worst production of Independence Day I've ever seen!"

Back at the Powell Estate, Rose laments Christopher Eccelston turning into David Tennant, insisting that this Doctor isn't the "proper" Doctor. Strictly speaking, Rose dear, the Doctor hasn't been the "proper" Doctor since 1966 or 1981, depending on whether you mean the original or the one most commonly know. And he wouldn't be so again until around 2010. But since she's speaking out of grief and it's not something showing her foolishness, arrogance, or her being insufferable...

...just kidding. You got my patience when you were worried, now you're being whiny. Point for you!

Rose Tyler is Awful Count: 5,055,636,215

Back at UNIT, the Sycorax send a message which involves their leader raising a glowing, blue hand. A third of people in the room (and all over the world) suddenly become zombie-like and make their way to the nearest roof despite any attempts to stop them. It seems the Sycorax are intending for mass assisted suicide as a means of controlling the world.

And none of the main cast are affected, as we'll later find out, because why would we want any sort of stakes?

Oh yes. Two billion people ready to jump! And not a single person we care about!

And with the uber-whimsical Murray Gold score, we're supposed to think
this is...heartwarming? What the hell?

UNIT works out that it has something to do with Guinevere One - all the people on staff who walked to the roof had A Positive Blood...and Guinevere One had a vial of A Positive Blood within it. Mr. Welsh Name says that they must be controlling those humans, somehow, through their blood. And he's right, as we'll later find out but...why exactly did you put a vial of human blood in a satellite?

No, really. This bugged me when I first saw the episode and it still does now. He mentions plenty of rational things that would teach people about Earth - maps, music, wheat seeds, water - but blood? Why on Earth would any alien race need to know about our blood, exactly? Call me uneducated or whatever have you, but that really just makes Mr. Welsh Name come off as kind of really, really creepy.

Harriet Jones makes an emergency address, calling for the Doctor. This causes an emotional breakdown of Rose where, while she's been managing well, it actually comes crashing down on her in a rather humanizing that Billie Piper delivers insanely well. And then Russell remembers that nothing's actually happened for about five paragraphs...I mean a few scenes...and the spaceship arrives to the chorus of shattering windows as it comes into the atmosphere and floats menacingly over London.

Rose gets Mickey and Jackie to get the Doctor to the TARDIS. A smart move on her part. Granted, she only knows that hordes of Genghis Khan couldn't get through the doors, but the TARDIS has survived near-total destruction at least twice in the Classic Series and was actually completely destroyed and reconstituted once. It is literally the safest place they could be right now, so...

Rose Tyler is Awful Count: 5,055,636,214

I'm nothing if not fair.

As they duck into the TARDIS, Harriet and company are pulled aboard the Sycorax ship via transmat. Here we get a look at the Sycorax without the helmet. It's a pretty neat design, exposed bone against flesh, with fangs and reddish eyes. Nothing unique or out there, but it gets the job done.

"Apology accepted, Captain Needa."

Mr. Welsh Man gets killed by electrical whip for being insolent enough to speak to the Sycorax (as does the Major from UNIT), and Harriet needs to step in. We get the hilarious Yes, we know who you are, joke one more time as they give their ultimatum - surrender and be enslaved or one-third of the population will die.

Back in the TARDIS, Mickey and Rose push random buttons and it gets revealed to the Sycorax. They transmat it onboard just as Jackie is about to get back in, much to her shock. Thinking she's going to look for Jackie, Rose leaves the TARDIS and is immediately captured by a Sycorax. Mickey runs after her, dropping a thermos of tea that falls close to the unconscious Doctor. Mickey manages to close the door just in time to keep the Sycorax out...and the tea hits some machinery beneath the TARDIS...

Harriet meets with Rose again, asking after the Doctor and Rose unfortunately tells her that they're on there own. Within, however, the smoke rises from beneath the TARDIS and the Doctor inhales the aroma...

The Sycorax demand that Rose speaks for the Earth, given that she has the TARDIS. She attempts to name drop a bunch of aliens and concepts from Series 1 very quickly in a manner very reminiscent of the Doctor...primarily because it fails miserably. The Sycorax Leader laughs at this, monologuing just long enough for the TARDIS telepathic circuit to kick back on. Sycorax translates into English...and the Doctor makes his big entrance like the drama queen that he is.

Of course, the Doctor gets to the very important business right away - asking Rose if he's a ginger. Sadly for him, that won't happen until 2019 when you also become a stylish demon. Sorry, Doc.

CAN YOU HEAR THE FANGIRLS SQUEEIIIIIIIING?!

He does manage to get Harriet Jones convinced by reminding her about the events of "Aliens of London" and "World War Three", which immediately gets Ten a facepalm from me. However, he quickly begins the "Oooh, I'm new!" things as he faces down the Sycorax, determines they're using Blood Control, and frees the humans from it. And then, he quotes The Lion King. And then, he challenges the Leader to a sword fight...and gets his hand chopped off for his trouble.

Which he then regrows because he's in the first fifteen hours of his regeneration cycle.

Then he proceeds to take down the Leader, demanding that he take a command to leave Earth and never return, and then executes him by collapsing a platform with a satsuma when the Leader tries an underhanded attack, causing him to fall to his death. The Doctor declaring "No second chances." He addresses the Sycorax after, telling them to leave and never return...and to tell the cosmos that the Earth is defended.

All is cheerful as the Doctor, Rose, and Mickey reunite with Jackie. The Doctor tells Harriet that the Earth is drawing more attention to itself and that she better be ready for it. But it's all charm, smiles, and Christmas mirth punctuated by Harriet's aide telling her that Torchwood is ready...and she hesitantly commands that they fire on retreating Sycorax ship. The others watch in horror, except for the Doctor, who immediately puts two and two together and gets twenty-two.

He chastises Harriet Jones, who is actually the more sensible of the pair of them when she defends her decision by saying that the Doctor isn't always on Earth and days will come when they have to defend themselves. The Doctor calls her a monster, and declares that he can bring her government down with six words.

He whispers to her aide "Don't you think she looks tired?"

How this works, I have no idea. But it's Doctor Who, questioning the logic can literally be hazardous to your health.

Harriet demands to know what he said as the Doctor walks off with Rose, Jackie, and Mickey, eventually saying a weak, broken, "I'm sorry".

"You didn't give Good Omens a positive review?!
NO PRIME MINISTER-ING FOR YOU!!!"

And then we get an immediate mood whiplash with "A Song For Ten" blaring at us as the Doctor picks out his new outfit, Mickey and the Tylers prepare Christmas festivities (later to be joined by the Doctor), and the Television of Exposition tells them that the Doctor's words are prophetic...he's somehow managed to cause a health scare about Harriet.

On the note of Ten's outfit, I like it. Nine's was a little more working class with the jumper and black leather jacket. While Ten's is also apparently that, it has a bit more of an outlandish look. A weird mix of formal with the pinstripe suits (which I wish he wore in colors other than blue and brown) and trenchcoat as well as informal with the Converse. But hey, at least it isn't covered in pinstripes!

As dinner winds down, Jackie gets a call from one of her friends telling everyone to go outside and look. They find snowfall on London, though the Doctor informs them that it's ash - the Sycorax ship breaking up in the atmosphere. The Doctor gets a speech about how everything's different now that the whole world knows about aliens.

Remember that. It's going to hurt in later seasons.

Also, spoiler alert: everything that happens in Series 3 on Earth in England is entirely the Doctor's fault because of the events of this episode, and he does not once get called out on this.

Largely because almost all the people who might call him out on it are stuck in another universe at the time, but never you mind.

The Doctor and Rose have what I assume is supposed to be a "cute" back and forth about whether or not she actually wants to go traveling with the Doctor again, and whether or not he wants her to travel with him anymore. Mickey laments that Rose is never going to stay, and she insists that she can't because there's so much to see...

...completely undoing her entire speech in The Parting of the Ways about it not being all about the traveling.

Oopsie daisy!

Rose Tyler is Awful Count: 5,055,636,215

The episode ends with the Doctor and Rose pointing up at the stars to choose their next destination.

After a short trailer to whet our appetite for the Series to come (including the return of Sarah Jane Smith!), we have much to consider. This episode was pretty decent, bogged down only by a few bits of Rose being an ass and some moralizing from the Doctor that doesn't really gel. Even if you discount the Time War, the Doctor has been party to (and responsible for) far, far worse than this. And with less justification behind it.

The problem is that the episode itself frames Harriet Jones as wrong, and she's very clearly not. Her point is entirely valid, the Doctor isn't always there to save the day. Should she have eliminated the Sycorax? Probably not, but she has to weigh them against the entire human race - her homeworld. Because the Doctor, of course, would never take drastic risks to save his own homeworld. No sir, certainly not!

"So, how do we get out of this Series before it gets worse?"
"Uh...that way..."

This is also not really the best first outing for David Tennant as the Doctor. While he does get his last minute swooping in to save the day, it feels very rushed in spite of the attempts to make him lively and/or comedic. It's an average episode apart from that, however. Not great, but also not objectionably bad. Next time, we'll have an episode that is pretty much objectionably bad. And to any chemist or doctors in my audience, you are probably going to start crying.

A lot.

Doctor Who is the property of the British Broadcasting Corporation.

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