So, we pick up from the ending of the previous episode after a brief recap of the events. The Doctor is being electrocuted by special effects, which he then pulls off of himself and uses to electrocute the Slitheen in the room...which electrocutes all the other Slitheen across London. Because...actually, no reason is actually ever given for it. It just happens to resolve the cliffhanger quickly.
Also, the Doctor later says he has no idea what species that these aliens are...so far all he knows, he just murdered one of them. I don't mind, of course, since the Doctor really should be killing when he feels its necessary and these aliens are trying to - as far as he knows - take over the world. That being said, however, nobody's died yet...at least so far as he knows.
Of course, the whole thing is kind of a moot point since he doesn't actually kill any of them. Rose Tyler and Harriet Jones manage to escape while their attacker writhes around like a coked up rave dancer and Mickey saves Jackie with a chair to the back of the Slitheen's head (which I would normally approve of) before snapping a picture of it on his phone as a final insult to it.
...well, not final insult as we'll soon see.
The Doctor gets the police involved, offering them a chance to get some aliens in Downing Street as the Slitheen Prime Minister gets the other back into his outfit. Rose and Harriet Jones, meanwhile, get chased down by a terrible CGI Slitheen effect. I said in last week's review that the CGI for the Slitheen was really bad and that really comes to light here in a big way. When the Slitheen suddenly need to move quickly, they suddenly get much more sleek and darken by about fifty shades of green, looking almost nothing like the practical suit that was used.
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| Cheeky bugger. |
It really just takes you out of the story reminding you that, yes, this is fictional. I'm much more willing to forgive the classic show due to a lack of budget and resources that were available in the 60s, 70s, and 80s. The modern show, much less so.
The Doctor manages to escape execution when the Slitheen turn the tables on him by declaring him an enemy of the British Empire (not the first or last time that'll happen) through the cunning use of a lift and hilariously unrealistic editing. The Slitheen have the top floors quarantined so that the Doctor and company cannot escape, and both Rose and Harriet Jones get cornered in a side room by Blon Fel Fotch (yes, I know I didn't name any of the Slitheen before, but she's actually important to the story, so mentioning her now).
The Slitheen get in some more fart humor before tearing off their sink and joining her in hunting Rose and Harriet, and we get the worst acting in the revived show up until this episode as Harriet screams "Take me first! Take me!" when they corner Rose. I love Penelope Wilton and even the actual character of Harriet Jones, but that was a scene that needed another take. Or twenty. I'm beginning to see why the director of his episode never worked on Doctor Who ever again.
The Doctor pops to the rescue with a fire extinguisher and they head to the Cabinet Room. We get some classic "the Doctor bluffs the alien of the week" as the Doctor tries to discern a few details from the Slitheen, namely that Slitheen is their surname, not their race. Unfortunately, because Russell hadn't had enough meds to properly just go ahead and end the episode right here, the Slitheen see through his bluff and the Doctor is forced to activate the bomb shielding that the Cabinet Room apparently has, immensely confident that there are the four safest walls in Great Britain and there is no conceivable way for the Slitheen to get in.
Rose rather helpfully points out, then, that they cannot get out.
Rose Tyler is Awful Count: 19
Again, I'm nothing if not fair.
Of course, being trapped in one room wouldn't be a problem if the Doctor still had the Stattenheim Remote that he had in The Two Doctors, but nevermind that bit of obscure trivia that only Classic series fans are going to appreciate. The Doctor, Rose, and Harriet Jones are going to be stuck here for the rest of the episode and that's that. Thrilling! And it saves on budget so we can have more terrible Slitheen effects!
After Mickey and Jackie prove that the British military can apparently be confounded by walking behind them very, very quickly, more Slitheen arrive at Downing Street for their grand master plan. Also, we get a bizarre scene of Blon Fel putting a skin suit on a hanger...for what reason I don't know, again, given their ultimate plan.
But Mickey and Jackie talk...and Mickey blames the Doctor for the alien invasion, because he's an idiot. But he also acknowledges that the Doctor is the only person who knows how to fight these people. Luckily, though, the scene isn't so bad, since Mickey and Jackie do reconcile a bit. Back in the Cabinet Room, the Doctor takes a moment to apologize to the dead assistant to the Prime Minister (who Harriet Jones mentions she didn't get the name of and who I didn't mention in my review because he really wasn't all that important) in another good Eccleston moment.
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| "But I don't want to have to go write for Torchwood!" |
The Doctor then tries to explain the plot hole about the Prime Minister not being used by the Slitheen (which I really don't buy since the entire thing is just used as a justification for really, really poor comedy, but nevermind) and Rose gets called out for making cracks about the situation when there's dead people about. Which Rose dismisses because "you get used to it when you're friends with him". Yes, friends with the Doctor, who you've known for about five minutes, Rose.
Rose Tyler is Awful Count: 20
I'm nothing if not petty.
This is also immediately followed, as Harriet Jones looks through the Emergency Protocols, but Rose immediately wanting to go WarGames on the Slitheen. Harriett Jones rightly points out that this is a bit of a problem.
Rose Tyler is Awful Count: 21
The Doctor has also mentioned that he knows the name Harriet Jones, but can't recall where from. Harriet Jones, after giving all of two lines of backstory, also tells that the codes do not allow for nuclear weapons to be used by the British government, that has to come from the United Nations. The three of them start to work out what the Slitheen might want when Rose gets a phone call from Mickey thanks to the superphone upgrade. When Harriet Jones mentions that they can phone for help, her suggestion that that Doctor must have contacts is rebuffed...by the Doctor.
Again, as with last episode, you can just hear the classic series companions who are contemporary crying. Seriously, would it really have cost that much to get the Brigadier in? He would have taken the Slitheen out with a revolver and sheer badassery and ended the episode ten minutes early.
Instead of a return of the most badass badass to ever badass his way around a badass tree, however, we have to settle for Mickey accessing the UNIT website under the Doctor's direction. Apparently, kids, all you need to do to access the nuclear arsenal and start World War Three is the word "buffalo". I can't wait until Kim Jong Un sees this review and figures that out! Thanks, Doctor Who! You've doomed us all!
Jokes aside, I'd be a little embarrassed if the United Nations' information archives and defensive controls were unlocked by any single code word.
But now it's time to fall into the drama again! Jackie goes on and on about how the Doctor has been terrible for their lives, and demands to know from him if Rose will be safe. Luckily, the Doctor gives no answer and I have no further reason to complain about this scene because Mickey interrupts it. Thank you, Mickey! He's gotten into the defense grid and the Doctor further directs him to playing the message from the Slitheen ship so he can work it out.
Also, because Russell remembered the plot was a thing, the Slitheen Policeman who was terrorizing Jackie returns. And Mickey steps up to fight it off with a baseball bat. As the Slitheen beats against the door to get in, heard mostly over the speakerphone in the Cabinet Room, the Doctor gets Rose and Harriet to give him all the information they have on the Slitheen, which leads him to figuring out their planet of origin: Raxacoricofallapatorius.
Why that? Because Russell had had just enough meds for that to sound good to him. But that does allow the Doctor to figure out their weakness: vinegar. Because they're made of calcium, it causes them to take the Lady Cassandra route and...explode. Instead of say, melting or something of that nature. Why? One last fart joke before death.
Of course.
Apparently, the other Slitheen felt the death of their family member (I guess through the Force?) and the Slitheen Prime Minister is pissed as he goes out to give his press conference. He gives the entire world the cooked up story of "massive weapons of destruction" being found in the skies above...and yeah, this is all commentary on the Iraq War in the early 2000s. Being an American, I never saw it from the non-American side of things, but I do know that several of our allies were also involved in military operations in the Middle East in the early 2000s - the United Kingdom being one of them.
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| News clips show up throughout this two-parter to explain what's happening to blind people. |
I don't want to bore you with a lengthy history lesson but, needless to say, commentary does nothing to help the episode. Although, perhaps it would have helped propaganda to predict Saddam Hussein as an incompetent, farting jackass.
But, basically, the Slitheen are trying to strike first against the supposed aliens - petitioning the United Nations for the nuclear launch codes. The Doctor opens the doors and speaks to Bon Fel about the actual story. In short, the Slitheen are planning to bring about the Mutual Assured Destruction scenario - every other nation on Earth shoots their nuclear weapons at every other nation on Earth, which Russell thinks for some reason will blow up the planet.
Ignoring, of course, that one could easily get all the nuclear weapons on Earth into one spot and would really only manage to make a very, very radioactive crater. From what I've read it might shift the orbit of the Earth. A bit. Maybe. Of course, this is not nearly as ridiculous as what Russell does trying to pull this in The Stolen Earth, but that's in Series 4 and we're not even vaguely ready to deal with that level of stupidity right now.
But why would the Slitheen want to do this, regardless of its actual use as a plan? Because they want to sell the chunks of the Earth as fuel for starships. Which kind of makes one of them going after Jackie really rather pointless when everyone who can be a loose end is going to die in molten fire. Of course, if he hadn't done that, then the Doctor couldn't have gotten Mickey's help and the Slitheen would have actually won.
Nice job breaking it, dumbass.
But oh, we're back in the drama because the Doctor can't assure Jackie of Rose's safety! Rose, automatically, agrees to it without even knowing what it is. An actual act of heroism and compassion that Russell T. Davies is going to claim is always there, even when Rose behaves in direct contradiction to those ideals. So...
Rose Tyler is Awful Count: 20
No, this time it's the Doctor dragging his feet over the Murray Gold score and you really just want him to get the hell on with it. Luckily, Harriet Jones stands strong and - as the only elected official in the room - orders the Doctor to go through with his plan. After some more bad Slitheen effects, the Doctor has Mickey launch a non-nuclear missile at Downing Street. The Doctor, Rose, and Harriet all get into a closet to ride out the explosion. Given that the Cabinet Room is up on the second floor, you'd expect a two story drop followed by two horrifically painful deaths and a regeneration. Alas, no. They survive no worse for wear.
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| Harriet Jones, MP for Saving Grace of the Whole Damn Episode. |
The Slitheen have a brief comedy scene where a soldier walks in on them, followed by them scrambling to get into their skin suits before being exploded. This completely destroys 10 Downing Street, but not to worry! It'll be back up in time for the Master to come in and take over the job of Prime Minister in Series 3.
...spoiler alert.
We get the wrap up. The Doctor finally realizes that Harriet Jones is the future Prime Minister, to be elected for three consecutive terms as the architect of Britain's Golden Age...and all of you who have seen The Christmas Invasion are laughing right now. Jackie later laments her part in it, saying that Rose (and later, begrudgingly, the Doctor) should be given a knighthood for their part in averting the crisis. And those of you who have seen Tooth and Claw are laughing right now.
Alas, Jackie's plans to have a proper sit down and dinner with the Doctor and Rose are ruined when the Doctor calls to taunt Rose with visions of adventure. Billie Piper looks...I'm sure she's going for awe and wonder here, but I'm honestly getting flashforwards to Diary of a Callgirl in her look, if you know what I mean. Given that the Ninth Doctor is supposed to be far more alien and less human in this incarnation, I'm willing to overlook his errant rudeness - much like I'm more willing to overlook it in the First, Sixth, and Twelfth Doctors.
Rose packs to leave, and the Doctor has the kid from Aliens of London wash the "Bad Wolf" graffiti off the TARDIS before giving Mickey a CD that holds a computer virus that he claims will remove any mentions of him from the internet. And those of you who have seen Love & Monsters are...okay, well, nobody is laughing after seeing that.
But the Doctor and Mickey have a good scene after so many flung insults at one another, the Doctor even offering Mickey a place on the TARDIS (though Mickey turns him down). Jackie and Rose soon arrive and the Doctor and Rose are soon off after Rose points out that it's a time machine and that she and the Doctor can be off anywhere and anywhen and be back in ten seconds.
The episode, and the first two-parter of New Who, ends with Jackie waiting those ten seconds after the TARDIS disappears and walking off, and Mickey...who continues to wait. An utterly well-done ending...to a piece of flaming hot garbage.
Oh, and also...for just outright lying to mother for the luls...
Rose Tyler is Awful Count: 21
As you can tell, I don't think highly of World War Three. It has less issues than its first-part, but it's still not great. As I said in the beginning of the Aliens of London review, a lot of it was this being some of the first of the revived show ever put to film...and that really shows as they tried to work out all the bugs.
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| "I just wanted to meet David Tennant, is that so much to ask?" |
Technical issues, a plot that doesn't make sense from the first part to the second, villains that are really, really impossible to take seriously, and drama when the story would be just better served by getting on with it (though that last one is more a hallmark of Russell's writing than anything else).
There are a few good things to praise. I mentioned Harriet Jones, who I do like and am glad that she, like me, didn't give a crap about the Doctor and Rose melodrama and told the Doctor to get on with it. I'm glad to say that Blon Fel gets a much better shake in the later Boom Town, but that's a ways off.
Next time, though, the show touches greatness. The first genuinely awesome episode of the revived series and what I personally think of as the greatest episode of the Christopher Eccleston era. If it isn't, then it has a grand total of one story as competition - and it's a two-parter that comes not long after. Deep under the sands of the Utah desert, an enemy the Doctor thought long, long gone returns. And it's brilliant! Come back in one week for Dalek.
Doctor Who is the property of the British Broadcasting Corporation.
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