Okay, look...I like boobs as much as the next heterosexual red blooded male. Boobs are great. There, I said it. Y'know when that axiom really doesn't apply? When you're trying to make an entertaining movie.
I think we've had this discussion before, although I'm pretty sure it bears repeating. Cheesecake is a delicious and wondrous thing, but if you inhale too much of it, you get a stomach ache. Is Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity a stomach ache? Let's have a look!
YEP!
However, given how the rest of this is a request from a friend, I'll review the movie properly instead of just ending on the joke.
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| If you can hear the dialogue, check yourself for a pulse. |
Two women in rabbit skin bikinis, Daria and Tisa (Elizabeth Kaitan and Cindy Beal), break out of space prison using technobabble, steal a space shuttle using technobabble, and do just about everything they can to make every bit of innuendo and shove their boobs and their asses into the camera as frequently as possible.
As you can tell, this entire film is nothing but sheer, unadulterated artistic merit just overflowing the screen.
However, the shuttle has a malfunction and the two are forced to follow a landing beacon to a planet that is broadcasting landing coordinates of all things. After a crash landing washing up on the beach looking no worse for wear, they end up on an island ruled by a hunter named Zed (Don Scribner), who shows them every hospitality within his home that looks like he's a Batman villain obsessed with trophy hunting. He even gives them clothing that covers slightly more than their bikinis did! What a classy guy!
With two new guests thrown into the mix (Carl Horner and Brinke Stevens), we have four rather than the prerequisite one needed for a The Most Dangerous Game scenario, because this is literally what this is. It is a shameless version of The Most Dangerous Game with more titties. Having read the original short story written by Richard Connell, it's certainly something that could have certainly been livened up with more bosoms. It's also probably the most famous short story in the English language, as evidenced by how everything from this movie to The Running Man to Hard Target owes at least part of its existence to this movie. Probably several other films as well.
To the film's credit, this only takes about twenty minutes of set up. The rest of the 54 minutes of run time is actually plot...admittedly plot that involves gratuitously and shamelessly thrusting the female form into the camera like a man trying to jam a heartworm pill down his dog's throat. It's weird because, beyond that...the film actually isn't all that bad. Don't get me wrong - Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity isn't going to be a front runner for a spot in the Criterion Collection, well...ever - but it's not unmitigated trash like Deathstalker.
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| "She's got huuuuuuuuuuge...tracts of land!" |
In fact, in some regards, it oddly doesn't do enough to pass for trashy exploitation. Sure, you have the topless women, the bikinis in the beginning, and the endless amount of ass shots...but that's really as far as it goes. Other than that, it's a straight up "escape the crazy man/beat him at his own game" plot. Again, very The Most Dangerous Game.
Ironically, Zed is a surprisingly accommodating hunter. When it comes down to the three survivors, besides putting them all back in bikinis, he gives them not only an hour's head start, but also a map with directions to a temple full of laser weapons while also restricting himself to only a single light weapon - his crossbow. Granted, it's a laser crossbow, but still.
He even warns them not to get lost in the Phantom Zone...which I'm pretty sure is because Zod is hanging out there and will force them to take him to the planet Hooston.
. . .also, cyborg zombie creatures that get no explanation. Those are there, too.
That's basically all there is to Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity. The basic premise itself is not bad, that premise being to have women in as skimpy of clothing as possible and...I mean, rip off The Most Dangerous Game. The acting is wishy-washy at best (although that obviously wasn't the main draw here), the film doesn't really do much comedy despite being billed as such (I chuckled maybe twice during the entire thing, and light chuckling at that), and the bits where the film attempts to have a deeper meaning than what it is are exceptionally cute. However, there's nothing in it that's so super objectionable to be either offensive or boring, two things (particularly that last one) that a film should never be.
It's nothing great, but for an hour and some change worth of B-Movie shlock, you could be doing a lot worse. So, it answer my question of several paragraphs ago: no, Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity is not a stomach ache of a movie. However, don't go into it expecting some kind of high art piece: it's Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity. Back when I first started, this might have caused me to roll my eyes at the absurdity of it all, but it's basically harmless with a strange, dumb charm to it. It's just 74 minutes of time you can watch, get some mindless entertainment out of, and then forget about. And, sometimes, that's all you need.
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| . . .okay, I mean, they are pretty good. |
Slave Girls from Beyond Infinity is brought to us by Titan Productions and Full Moon Features.
. . .yes, the Puppetmaster guys.
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