I know what you'll say. "Oh, Madcap, you're just being a big, stinky Marvel fanboy!". "Oh, MadCap, I don't know why you're ragging on it so much. It could have been a lot worse and it's an improvement over Green Lantern, at least!" My answers are, in order, "You're absolutely right, and I've never claimed to be anything else" and "Yes, and I'm sure you love the writing of Russell T. Davies, too. Idiot." Really, though, I did walk into the theater this afternoon with an open mind and open heart. Though my dislike of Batman is well cataloged on this very blog (look back far enough, I'm sure you'll find something), I love Superman and I'm one of the few people I've found who bother to defend him as a symbol of hope and a defender of all things good.
...Zack Snyder is apparently not one of those people either, but I'll get to that.
Regardless, I went in with expectations low, but having some hope that maybe the critics were wrong. Maybe the rage of the fanboys was needless and silly, and maybe DC had pulled out a golden egg from their goose instead of another pile of manure they would force feed into my mouth. So, really, this one is on me. It's a lesson that sometimes it's not all hype and that things can, in fact, just plain suck. And that's Batman v. Superman Dawn of Justice in a nutshell.
But let's start with the plot, shall we? There isn't one. Okay, there's vague trappings thanks to the machinations of Not-Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) working over the government in order to get his hands on Zod's ship from the end of Man of Steel, spoiler alert. He has somehow managed to set up conditions in various situations around the world that will eventually lead to rigging a fight between Superman (Henry Cavill) and Batman (Ben Affleck), as the title suggests.
And beyond this point, I give a spoiler warning. So, if you want to know nothing else about this film, don't read past this point. Now, if you're one of many, many people who word of mouth has reached about this and you're not going to ever see this, then read on.
...
...okay, you good?
Wonderful.
Let me go ahead and talk about some of the characters. Namely Lex Luthor, because he is a joke in this movie.
I'm sorry, let me rephrase that and make it more quotable for everyone.
JESSE EISENBERG'S PORTRAYAL OF LEX LUTHOR IS A FUCKING JOKE IN THIS MOVIE.
I wish I were even kidding, but I can't joke about this. Every single scene that he's in, He's melodramatic to the point that saying he's chewing the scenery would be far, far too polite to describe what he's doing. He's chewing the scenery into a fine powder, spitting it out, then snorting it up Tony Montana-style. For Mr. Eisenberg, it seems that subtlety is a concept that he's vaguely heard of maybe once from someone who told him about a dream they had about it. Having seen none of Eisenberg's other films at the time of this writing, I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt and say that it's just poor direction from Snyder, which just makes it all the worse.
The film also goes out of its way in two scenes to mention that he's not actually Lex Luthor, but is actually Alexander Luthor, Jr., the son of the original, which to me smacks of last-minute reshoots. It's as if someone looked at the performance given and told Snyder that anyone who tried to convince the world that that abomination was Lex Luthor - a character who was played for years masterfully by such actors as Gene Hackman, Kevin Spacey, and the legendary Clancy Brown - would not survive the mass lynchings that would follow. So, he's regulated to Luthor's son - who apparently is actually a minor character in the comics - and thus, Snyder presumed, saved him from his rightful fate for not stopping and saying "No, this is a really stupid idea".
The film also goes out of its way in two scenes to mention that he's not actually Lex Luthor, but is actually Alexander Luthor, Jr., the son of the original, which to me smacks of last-minute reshoots. It's as if someone looked at the performance given and told Snyder that anyone who tried to convince the world that that abomination was Lex Luthor - a character who was played for years masterfully by such actors as Gene Hackman, Kevin Spacey, and the legendary Clancy Brown - would not survive the mass lynchings that would follow. So, he's regulated to Luthor's son - who apparently is actually a minor character in the comics - and thus, Snyder presumed, saved him from his rightful fate for not stopping and saying "No, this is a really stupid idea".
Not in the court of the MadCapMunchkin, Mr. Snyder. I find you...
Why didn't you go with Bryan Cranston, DC? He could have pulled this off. This guy, though? No. Just no. Your casting choice was bad, and you should feel very, very bad.
Now that my well justified rage is out of the way, and Zack Snyder will be in the Phantom Zone for a bit, let's talk about our two main characters. The ones people actually came to see.
BATMAN
You know him, you love him (I don't), and he's played by Ben Affleck this time around. I admit, I was one of the several people who reacted to the announcement of his casting a while back with "Buwha-?!", but he's honestly not that bad. We've had worse Batmen, after all. Even George Clooney proclaimed that he wasn't qualified to comment on who would make a bad Batman or not, seeing as he'd completely trashed the role (not that that was his fault entirely, however, but that's neither here nor there).
BATMAN
You know him, you love him (I don't), and he's played by Ben Affleck this time around. I admit, I was one of the several people who reacted to the announcement of his casting a while back with "Buwha-?!", but he's honestly not that bad. We've had worse Batmen, after all. Even George Clooney proclaimed that he wasn't qualified to comment on who would make a bad Batman or not, seeing as he'd completely trashed the role (not that that was his fault entirely, however, but that's neither here nor there).
Affleck, I think, legitimately balances the two sides of Bruce Wayne and Batman. That is to say, his performance acknowledges the truth that Batman is a sociopathic creature hellbent on justice and pretty boy millionaire Bruce Wayne is just the skin he hides behind in order to operate in the daylight. And I don't say that as a bad thing, it's actually not something we get to see a lot of in the films. Also, another thing, is that we get to acknowledge that whole crazy fact that Batman is human and unless he has prep time and the proper resources is nothing more than a squishy meat shield when going up against god-like beings like Superman or Wonder Woman.
This when I was really afraid they'd go the Frank Miller route of having him be able to take on beings like Spawn without breaking a sweat, and that his eventual fight against Superman would be insanely one sided in his favor rather than the guy who actually has superpowers.
This when I was really afraid they'd go the Frank Miller route of having him be able to take on beings like Spawn without breaking a sweat, and that his eventual fight against Superman would be insanely one sided in his favor rather than the guy who actually has superpowers.
Also, I'll be blunt - he kills people in this version. Like other adaptations, there's...really no way of getting around this. He crushes people with the Batmobile, he ziplines vehicles with people inside of them so that they collide with other objects and assure that no one gets out of there without at least a severe spinal injury. It kind of completely ruins his moral grandstanding about Superman when he's outright committing mass murder. Oh, because they're criminals, we aren't supposed to care? YOU HAVE A CODE, BRUCE! WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER SAY?!
The bits with his origin story are brought up and even have a few scenes, but don't actually clog the narrative thanks to the fact that DC must have had some brain cells still working and decided it ought not to be the focus of the film...except it kind of is, since it serves as a plot point in the final fight so that Batman realizes that Superman's actually not a bad guy. Because, y'know, the World's Greatest Detective can't do that by opening his eyes.
I will say, Snyder apparently hasn't gotten over his bizarre non-sequitur dream fetish from Suckerpunch!, since Batman has at least three bizarre nightmares that contribute nothing to the actual plot (except, I think, an early-bird cameo of Booster Gold. Not that that actually helps anything). By the way, he has one of these where he's murdering people. With guns. Because, y'know...Batman. Totally against guns. Though, again, this is another "wtf?!" moment I would question Zack Snyder about...if I hadn't banished him to the Phantom Zone.
I will say, Snyder apparently hasn't gotten over his bizarre non-sequitur dream fetish from Suckerpunch!, since Batman has at least three bizarre nightmares that contribute nothing to the actual plot (except, I think, an early-bird cameo of Booster Gold. Not that that actually helps anything). By the way, he has one of these where he's murdering people. With guns. Because, y'know...Batman. Totally against guns. Though, again, this is another "wtf?!" moment I would question Zack Snyder about...if I hadn't banished him to the Phantom Zone.
My other problem with both his portrayal of Bruce and Batman...comes in the timing of the character. And that's more of a problem to put to the writers and director. At the time of the film, Batman has been active in Gotham for twenty years. Twenty years. Twenty years of fighting crime, having sidekicks, and protecting Gotham that we have not yet seen, resulting in a far more dark and jaded Batman than the common one most people know. It's a bit The Dark Knight Returns...and I both love and hate it. I love it, because Affleck's version fits so well to it...and I hate it because it's twenty years of character development that we haven't seen and are supposed to just accept regardless of what damage it might do to the character.
No, DC, you don't just do that. You don't just throw twenty years into the background and just insist that it's there. And no, I don't care if the solo movie for Bats covers it or not, the fact is that it wasn't important enough for DC to show us before they threw us into a crossover film.
No, DC, you don't just do that. You don't just throw twenty years into the background and just insist that it's there. And no, I don't care if the solo movie for Bats covers it or not, the fact is that it wasn't important enough for DC to show us before they threw us into a crossover film.
SUPERMAN
Which brings us to Superman. The golden boy of Metropolis, the hero who is a staunch defender of truth, justice, and the Ameri-why are they having Senate hearings on Superman? In a bizarre twist from where you'd think logic would follow, the people seem to have a mixed reaction to Superman from the events of Man of Steel, debating why he's here on Earth, what his purpose is and if he's here to help us or to destroy or conquer us.
...I'm not going to go into the fact that the people of the DC Universe are stupid, but the people of the DC Universe are pretty astoundingly stupid. Superman has, up to this point, done nothing but try to save people and protect the Earth. Please call me when you want to quit being idiots.
Then again, the same could be said of the people of the Marvel universe - I'm looking at you Civil War...
Henry Cavill's reprising the role of Superman...and he's adequate in the role. Nothing really to complain about, he's even gotten a little bit less wooden since Man of Steel.
AND THE REST!
Which brings us to Superman. The golden boy of Metropolis, the hero who is a staunch defender of truth, justice, and the Ameri-why are they having Senate hearings on Superman? In a bizarre twist from where you'd think logic would follow, the people seem to have a mixed reaction to Superman from the events of Man of Steel, debating why he's here on Earth, what his purpose is and if he's here to help us or to destroy or conquer us.
...I'm not going to go into the fact that the people of the DC Universe are stupid, but the people of the DC Universe are pretty astoundingly stupid. Superman has, up to this point, done nothing but try to save people and protect the Earth. Please call me when you want to quit being idiots.
Then again, the same could be said of the people of the Marvel universe - I'm looking at you Civil War...
Henry Cavill's reprising the role of Superman...and he's adequate in the role. Nothing really to complain about, he's even gotten a little bit less wooden since Man of Steel.
AND THE REST!
Some quick notes here, since we're going to be going through here fast. Lois Lane (Amy Adams) and the others returning from Man of Steel are pretty good, Jeremy Irons as Alfred Pennyworth is phenomenal and he should be in the role much as Michael Gough was. That is to say, until he dies, if you please. Who am I missing? Oh, right, Wonder Woman.
...yeah, she's in all of about ten minutes of screen time. Probably less than that. I'll wait to form an opinion on Gal Gadot or her acting ability until I've actually seen it. That being said, she seems to have the physicality down well. Her short fight scene near the end of the film is pretty good and her entrance in the Wonder Woman costume is one of the few moments of this film that has any concentrated awesome - something that is absolutely vital in a superhero movie. The only real problem I have with her being in the film is that she only serves to highlight cameos of other heroes...which I'll get into in a moment.
And now, at last, we come to the ending. I don't have to give another spoiler warning, so here we go - Superman dies.
No, that's not a typo. Superman dies.
You see, that earlier plot point with Faux-Lex getting access to the Kryptonian spaceship? He uses it and Zod's body in order to participate in Kryptonian mad science and create...Doomsday. Yes, that Doomsday. And given the storyline that Doomsday is most famously attached to, you know what's coming. Yes, indeed, with the use of a Kryptonite spear (because shut up, that's why he can wield it without it killing him by proximity), Superman kills Doomsday and is in turn killed by Doomsday.
...except he's not really dead because the final scene of the film shows the dirt on his coffin (left by Lois Lane) starting to levitate off of it. Because comic books.
And I shouldn't be mad at that, but they really drag the scenes of his funerals (yes, funerals because - like in The Dark Knight Rises - nobody can acknowledge that the hero and his alter-ego are the same person) out way too long for such a rather pointless payoff. We know Superman is going to come back, we know he's not going to stay dead. There was no reason to do that. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan didn't feel the need to immediately make it clear that Spock wasn't really dead (spoiler alert) just after his passing (yes, I know Leonard Nimoy did the narration at the end after test audiences didn't like the original, shut up).
THINGS TO COME (Whether you like it or not)
THINGS TO COME (Whether you like it or not)
I know that Marvel gets a lot of crap for its plot weaving in its movies, but this film has taken the cake. The LexCorp database on metahumans is so blatant an attempt to keep audience interest that its almost heartbreaking. The appearances by the Flash, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, and Cyborg are nice and are actually some of the highlights of the time. Unfortunately, the entire thing smacks of DC realizing they screwed up by not following the Marvel method and bringing in everyone at once, screaming to their audience "You like these characters, right? Well, they're going to have their own movies. That's right, and you're going to love them. Please, stick around. Please! Please! HEY! STOP LOOKING AT MARVEL! STOP IT! STOP IT!"
But, nevertheless, as Bruce tells Wondy at Clark's funeral, he's getting a team together. A league for justice...if only they had some kind of word for that.
Also, Luthor apparently knows of someone "out there" who has seen the events of the film and is coming. Darkseid? Maybe he'll get to use the Anti-Life Equation in this universe. Hope springs eternal.
CONCLUSION
This film is just an absolute mess. It smacks of laziness coupled with being rushed, being rewritten, and being reshot a few times over. The main villain is an absolute joke, with a plan that anyone with common sense would have been able to figure out - much less super genius Bruce Wayne twenty years into the game - and that completely derails the film and removes the credibility from the name Lex Luthor to the point that they had to throw Doomsday into the mix to try and save it. And boy did you fail hard!
Mix it all in with the dark, depressing, humorless feel that Snyder's direction evokes from everyone and everything, a moral conundrum about the purpose of Superman that a brain damaged four year old could answer, and trying to hammer in cameos and promises of things to come that DC has repeatedly proven they no longer have the right or ability to make (if they ever did at all), and you end up with this crown turd of absolute awfulness. While there are a few good point, that's like finding the pieces of whole corn after an extreme bowel evacuation. It doesn't really matter, because they're still covered in shit.
It ultimately comes back to the feel. Snyder is not a good director for Superman. He was good with Watchmen, and I loved it. I will even say, to a degree, he was good with Man of Steel - which I liked, but I will never say it didn't have problems - seeing as he actually did something new with the character. But, on the whole, he just doesn't get Superman. Superman is not a dark and gritty character. Now, by that same token, I'd love to see a Snyder-directed Batman. He's already done it once (Rorschach taught Batman everything he knows, after all).
This film is just an absolute mess. It smacks of laziness coupled with being rushed, being rewritten, and being reshot a few times over. The main villain is an absolute joke, with a plan that anyone with common sense would have been able to figure out - much less super genius Bruce Wayne twenty years into the game - and that completely derails the film and removes the credibility from the name Lex Luthor to the point that they had to throw Doomsday into the mix to try and save it. And boy did you fail hard!
Mix it all in with the dark, depressing, humorless feel that Snyder's direction evokes from everyone and everything, a moral conundrum about the purpose of Superman that a brain damaged four year old could answer, and trying to hammer in cameos and promises of things to come that DC has repeatedly proven they no longer have the right or ability to make (if they ever did at all), and you end up with this crown turd of absolute awfulness. While there are a few good point, that's like finding the pieces of whole corn after an extreme bowel evacuation. It doesn't really matter, because they're still covered in shit.
It ultimately comes back to the feel. Snyder is not a good director for Superman. He was good with Watchmen, and I loved it. I will even say, to a degree, he was good with Man of Steel - which I liked, but I will never say it didn't have problems - seeing as he actually did something new with the character. But, on the whole, he just doesn't get Superman. Superman is not a dark and gritty character. Now, by that same token, I'd love to see a Snyder-directed Batman. He's already done it once (Rorschach taught Batman everything he knows, after all).
It's been a problem with DC films that Marvel doesn't have - the lack of just a good feeling overall. The reason Marvel films have done so well is that they're fun. One of their most successful films to date, Guardians of the Galaxy is some of the most fun I've had at the movie theater in a long, long time. Even their darker edged films, like Captain America: Winter Soldier, had the darkness but still managed moments to keep things light in the right moments. Yes, I said "in the right moments", because to do a good drama, you need balance. You go too far with the humor, it'll be taken as comedy. You go to serious on the drama...you get this.
And I'll be honest, I don't want this to be the standard that DC goes by. Batman and Superman are two of the most iconic superheroes of all time, if not the most iconic superheroes of all time. People around the world who have never even seen an actual comic book, much less ever read one, knows who they are. Before Marvel actually started producing their movies, I could only think of maybe a handful of their properties who had that kind of prestige. Batman and Superman are two parts of my childhood, and the childhoods of many other people all over the world, and they both deserve better than this steaming pile.
I sat in that theater, and there was not a cheer as Superman and Batman first met on the streets of Gotham. There was no cheering as they and Wonder Woman teamed up to fight Doomsday. No round of applause at the end, looking forward to a glorious future of the DC Extended Universe. It just...wasn't there. No heart, no mirth, no spirit. For the world is dark and hollow, and even hope is something nary a man dare have.
Wrapping it all up, in a nice little bow, for the TL;DR crowd - this movie sucks and you'd be better off never seeing it. Ever.
Batman v Superman Dawn of Justice is now in theaters from DC Entertainment and Warner Bros. Pictures.
And I'll be honest, I don't want this to be the standard that DC goes by. Batman and Superman are two of the most iconic superheroes of all time, if not the most iconic superheroes of all time. People around the world who have never even seen an actual comic book, much less ever read one, knows who they are. Before Marvel actually started producing their movies, I could only think of maybe a handful of their properties who had that kind of prestige. Batman and Superman are two parts of my childhood, and the childhoods of many other people all over the world, and they both deserve better than this steaming pile.
I sat in that theater, and there was not a cheer as Superman and Batman first met on the streets of Gotham. There was no cheering as they and Wonder Woman teamed up to fight Doomsday. No round of applause at the end, looking forward to a glorious future of the DC Extended Universe. It just...wasn't there. No heart, no mirth, no spirit. For the world is dark and hollow, and even hope is something nary a man dare have.
Wrapping it all up, in a nice little bow, for the TL;DR crowd - this movie sucks and you'd be better off never seeing it. Ever.
Batman v Superman Dawn of Justice is now in theaters from DC Entertainment and Warner Bros. Pictures.
For the latest from the MadCapMunchkin, be sure to follow him on Twitter @MadCapMunchkin.
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