From MadCap's Couch - "Sliders: As Time Goes By"

"¿Por qué , se han pavimentado el paraíso y pusieron un montón parkiing !"

Remember back in "Time Again and World", when I said that the storyline mechanic of multiple parallel worlds wasn't exactly necessary to tell a good story? Or even a decent story? Guess what we have this time around? More of that.

...oh...yay...

Actually, I joke, but the entire thing just feels incredibly unfocused and spotty. The idea itself isn't so bad, but - like many things in Sliders - the execution is what absolutely kills it dead. A lot of this episode is just plain unnecessary, and really does feel as though three different scripts were railroaded together with a vague plot weaving through them all. One is a little bit "Love Gods", one is a little bit "El Sid", and one as I said is a little "Time Again and World", and it forms a...very curious hybrid that really should have seen a few more rewrites.

...if not been canned completely because it rips off three episodes that we've already seen.

So without further adieu, we begin with the Sliders on a street corner in the New Republic of España with a bunch of other Caucasian illegal immigrants. It seems on this world, the Americas were taken over by the Spanish, not the Anglos, and illegal immigrants from Canada are a common thing. Which is so believable. I mean, next time, they're going to go to an Earth where pigs refuse to eat Jews or something like that!

All pork aside, the Sliders are lamenting their situation as being among the working class when Arturo nearly picks a fight with a fellow laborer before a man comes up in a truck offering work...followed directly by a hit squad of the INS. The crowd scatters, Quinn falling and hitting his head in the escape...and yet still managing to escape despite being within spitting range of one of the INS jeeps. The other Sliders, however, aren't so lucky and end up being taken in. In his escape, Quinn makes it all the way back to the 'burbs and eventually makes his way to a townhouse...where the title sequence picks up.

Quinn makes his way over the stone fence, crashing someone yard and succumbing to his head injury. Staggering about before slumping against a wall, he's accosted y two guard dogs...and a woman who he seems to recognize - a maid by the name of Daelin. He seems shocked and she confused by his shock, but Quinn passes out before he can say any more. There's a crossfade and he awakens in a bed, having been tripped down to his underwear so the show can't be accused of only serving up fanservice for the male audience.

They save that for Season 3.

Good God, do they save that for Season 3...

For my female fans (and male fans who swing that way) behold...O'Connell Abs!

Daelin returns and they talk for a bit, Quinn telling her that he knows her. They went to grew up and went to school together, even dated for a while until she moved away in the tenth grade. Naturally, because she's not the Daelin of this world, she has no idea what he's talking about...not that this keeps Quinn from being all lovestruck over her. And quite right, too, seeing that she's been mentioned so frequently in so many episodes as the great love of Quinn's life. Like in...

...and then there was...

...well, that one episode...umm...

...yeah, no, she's never been mentioned. I'm also not giving any bonus points for anyone who guesses how many times she's mentioned after this. Spoiler alert: Never.

The wubby dubby nonsense is curbed by Quinn recognizing Daelin's fiancé from a photograph - Dennis, the man that Arturo nearly got into an argument with at the corner. Daelin naturally freaks out, but this too is stopped by Daelin's boss coming in just as Quinn gets hidden in the cellar. There's all of a second of tension before Daelin leaves.

In the same court room we saw in the beginning of "The King is Back", Arturo, Remmy, and Wade are being placed on trial where a lawyer is trying to get them any excuse that they can to get them off the hook and not deported back to Canada (not a short ride considering that they're filming in Vancouver), but is exasperated when they provide her with nothing. Despite an impassioned speech and defense, the Judge throws the book at them - deportation to Canada.

By the way, enjoy that scene with Arturo, Remmy, and Wade. Because this is pretty much all any of them do in this episode.

Back at Daelin's little home within her employers' home, she has apparently been told everything by Quinn and has even gotten to take a look at the timer. She thinks it's all far-fetched, and naturally so. But Quinn manages to woo her with visions of a non-Spanish controlled America. She seems to buy it, though worries for Dennis since she can't leave him behind being that he's being deported. Quinn agrees to help her if she helps him.

"What's this?" "A very brief cameo."

Even night falls, and Quinn and Daelin head out to a car...finding Charlie O'Connell! Actually, it's not Colin Mallory (who we'll get into in Season Four), but Daelin's brother who is a member of a group that helps the illegal immigrants. Here, he tells them that the group has tracked where the bus that will be taking Dennis and the other Sliders is going and the best place to intercept. The next morning, they're all thrown onto the bus where we have some banter from the group and some ill-natured jibes against Canada that I imagine the writing staff and all would have had after two seasons up in Vancouver.

A bit later in the morning, the resistance hijacks the bus and gets the immigrants off just in time. Daelin's reunited with Dennis, Quinn with the other Sliders, and the day seems saved...until more INS come and surround the group. It seems that Dennis had double crossed them! Daelin is distraught, and her brother shot by INS when he attempts to attack. However, the Sliders have gotten open their vortex and the rest escape...Quinn spending a moment to look forlornly at Daelin cradling her brother's body before he too jumps through.

Now what feels like it should be the end of an episode is only about a third of the way through, the Sliders appearing in a park and seeing a bench painted over for an advertisement for the "San Francisco Lions" football team. Clearly, they are not home, but it's definitely closer than the last. The others ask Quinn about the next window, but he's off being all brooding and emo. Arturo debates having a word with him, seeing his state, but Remmy takes it upon himself to do so...mostly because Arturo has all the bedside manner of a wood chipper.

At the Lamplighter, Quinn pours his heart out to the Crying Man. He sympathizes, relating a story from his own storied past and even suggests that he could look her up on this world - pointing him to the telephone book in the back. Naturally, because it's the late Nineties and people can actually read and even have cause to use a phonebook, Quinn finds the address...and meets Daelin in a sob-fit. She invites him in and...well...

Was flannel even a thing after the 90s?

...long story short, on this Earth, he moved in Tenth Grade instead of her and she's now married to the Dennis of this dimension - a loser punk who's greatest contributions to the world are his band that isn't successful and their daughter. So basically, this guy is a douchebag in any reality, much like Biff Tannen. Needless to say, Dennis is an abusive jackass and the home situation is about as good as you'd expect - that is to say, not at all. Dennis and Quinn get into a row which ends in Quinn decking him a good one before promising to help Daelin and her baby.

This translates to him finding his double on this world who - conveniently - never got over Daelin either and giving her the number and address and shipping her off to Seattle with her kid.

And no, he never actually appears on screen, but considering Quinn has a phone conversation with him...

Times The Sliders Have Run Into Their Doubles: 12

Later, at the park, Quinn fills Remmy in on what happened and the group gets ready to leave...Wade asking Quinn if he's alright before they slide. After a lengthy vortex sequence, we arrive on Quinn, Arturo, and Remmy in prison uniforms in a cell, and naturally looking pretty damn confused. Buckle up, kids, because I'm going to spoil the shocking twist of this part: time's running backwards for everyone but the Sliders.

Why yes, it is bizarre and completely out of place, thank you for noticing!

Basically, they're in prison, the timer's running up instead of down to when the next vortex will open, and they have no idea what's going on. They learn that they're serving a life sentence for the murder of a police officer - Daelin Richards. They're reunited in the court room with Wade, Quinn figures out time is running backwards in this universe from their respective, and they all plead guilty and are released from their handcuffs and out into the world, no muss no fuss.

"Professor, this makes no sense!" "Shut up, Mr. Mallory, the episode's almost over..."

Arturo brings up Stephen Hawking's theory of Time's Arrow to explain why everything's going backwards...which is still completely pointless, but nevermind that now...Quinn still can't deal with the timer, being that he has no idea what he can do. The others want to bunker down until the Slide, not the stupidest idea, but because we still have to have a plot, Quinn insists that he try and save Daelin's life. He reads details of the murder and believes he's ready to go, though Arturo dips a bit into Middle Eastern folklore, referencing the story of An Appointment in Samarra to bring up that they have no idea what the consequence of interfering with the timeline would be.

So, naturally, Quinn goes and takes this advice to heart when he tears a hole in the fabric of reality.

There's a bit of running from the cops and Arturo explains why the timer is running forwards instead of backwards...because it's adhering to the laws of this universe. Which is funny, considering that none of you are falling in line with the physical laws of the universe - i.e., you're still going forwards instead of backwards - but again, nevermind it.

They split up to avoid the cops and time reverses yet again. Quinn and Remmy end up running into Daelin and the real killer, and Dennis being a sniper covering Daelin. Naturally, Quinn Mallory Super Genius decides that the best way to alert an undercover cop that they're being set up is to scream it loudly at the top his lungs for every Tom, Dick, and Jane to hear as you rush to aid said cop. However, both Daelin and the man are shot...though this time, because of Quinn's interference, she was only winged in the shoulder.

Dennis reveals himself as, once again, her fiancé, and Quinn wanders off distraught as the backup and an ambulance are called. Not all is well as Remmy tries to console him, however, as Arturo brings up that there's a hole in the sky, leading to graphics straight out of an Atari Jaguar game. It seems that Quinn has torn a hole in the fabric of time. Shame we don't get Quinn baring any actual weight of any consequences for dooming an entire universe to cosmic destruction, but we're three minutes from the episode ending and the Vortex opens and they enter, with them landing in the park on another world with the normal flow of time seemingly restored.

Remmy points out the phone booth to Quinn, just in case he wants to give a call to Daelin on this Earth, and Season Two ends with looking to it, and then looking back toward the camera looking defeated...

[Insert "Crawling In My Skin" Here]

...well, that just sucked!

No, I mean the entire episode. It's one big gigantic mess that needed many, many more rewrites or, if they'd wanted to be even better, not have been attempted at all. This episode feels like three separate scripts that were sent through a paper shredder and then glued back together into one using pieces from the bin.

There's a love interest that we don't care about and never will (and I'm not knocking the actress, she's actually pretty good by Sliders standards) because she was brought on without even a passing reference beforehand, the second part of the plot on the Earth with her abusive boyfriend is so heavy-handed that it hurts, and an entire world where time flows backwards is interesting and really deserved its own episode to fully explore, but it makes absolutely no sense to throw that in as the third part of the story.

Actually, any one of the stories presented could have been made to work. They could have been fleshed out more, given more reason to be invested in the events that happened. All this episode is, ultimately, is Quinn being a lovesick puppy over a woman we've never met before and will never hear about again, and us being meant to feel bad because he keeps losing her in every world he visits where he meets her.

Also of note is the near-complete lack of the other Sliders. They don't do anything. In particular Wade, who all but said the words "I love you" to Quinn directly, not being involved in such a major life event for Quinn. This man who they've built up her having a romance with, and then when suddenly this great romantic love of his life suddenly comes in, she gets sidelined and shares all of one line of dialogue alone with him.

Compare to "Obsession", which I also didn't like, but where it at least showed Quinn's reaction to the events of Wade's almost marriage to Dick Roman. But when Quinn has an almost identical romance subplot, we get an episode that Wade's barely in. There was opportunity to develop character here, to further the romance between Quinn and Wade, and the writers chose to essentially throw her into background character status.

Which is about the same treatment that Remmy and Arturo got, though Remmy was at least thrown a bit of a bone at supporting Quinn's doomed venture. Other than that, though, the remaining three Sliders are completely unimportant and ineffectual in their own series, and I remind you that one such episode we've seen had a subplot of Rembrandt getting it in with his old high school girlfriend and Wade teaching a bunch of hippies astrology.

Altogether, this is not a well formed or well thought out episode and, as a season finale, it pales in comparison to "Invasion", which should have been the finale. I can only guess that executive meddling from Fox caused this to be placed as the finale, because otherwise someone Tracy Tormé was smoking something awesome.

However, the topic of executive meddling brings me to some news about this series. I have, as of this writing, completed reviews of twenty-two episodes of Sliders - that's two seasons of the show, and about an entire season of a standard television series in America. Given the nature of what we'll be getting into in Season 3, I have decided that I'm going to take a break from Sliders. Don't worry, I will be getting back to it (it's practically begging for me to tear it apart), but for the time being I need to take a break and refresh myself with something I enjoy...

...come back next time, when I will have hopefully figured out just what that is.

Sliders and all related materials are the property of Universal.

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