...no, really. I don't even need to go any further than that, do I? Anyone who's at least heard of this film knows the stink of hilarious incompetence that comes from it. It should be put in the same breath as films like Highlander II: The Quickening and Wing Commander for the sheer level of "You dun goofed" that is packed into almost every single scene. And I mean that when I say it. Every. Single. Scene. The failure level is way, way over 9000 and not even my Rule of Adaptation can save this one.
Based on the worldwide popularity of the original manga by Akira Toriyama, Dragonball Evolution is a film that gleefully drops trou and makes a big, steaming mess all over literally decades of work poured into it. This was not a faithful adaptation of the original Dragon Ball manga. This is a worse adaptation of that than the Resident Evil movies are to the games. That's right, I am giving Paul Anderson at least credit that none of the Resident Evil movies are as bad and horrifically offensive to the senses as this.
"But hold on now, Madcap!" I hear you say, "Surely it's not as bad as all that! I mean, have you even read the original manga? There's some things that just wouldn't translate to screen!" Sure, I can agree to an extent. Things like the Demon King Piccolo being trapped in a rice cooker (it makes sense in context) wouldn't exactly fly with audiences in the modern day, But little bits of minutia aren't something I'm ragging about. What I'm ragging about is the broad reinventions of characters, the changing of major details about them, and the complete and utter disregard for the original source material at all.
To begin, we have narration about the Mafuba and Piccolo, as well as Oozaru (oddly not a giant monkey in this version) before being introduced to Goku (Justin Chatwin), being oddly very white and very emo. Yes, instead of Goku's rather naive, but good hearted persona, we're treated to a protagonist that cares more about winning the affections of fellow high school student Chi-Chi (Jaimie Chung) and being accepted at school than becoming the ultimate fighter as he was in the original source material.
And this may be a cheap shot (not that I have problems with those), but with his attitude he's about one Hot Topic visit away from being ready to be a Linkin Park roadie.
However, the plot kicks in when Goku is given a Dragon Ball (specifically the Four Star Dragon Ball), for his birthday by his grandfather, Gohan (Randall Dum Kim) who then comes up with a quick case of dead. Not because Goku stepped on him as the Great Ape, but because Lord Piccolo (James Marsters) has come calling...after escaping the Mafuba...somehow...Pilaf doesn't show up in this movie (as in the manga and anime), so there's no explanation given for how Piccolo was set free...he just was, and the film skillfully avoids answering the question.
In his quest to master his ki and attain the power of the Glow, Goku meets Bulma (Emmy Rossum) and together they seek out Master Muten Roshi (Chow Yun-fat). They get involved in the search for the Dragon Balls and eventually make the acquaintance of Yamcha (Joon Park).
And, naturally, they're joined by Goku's best pal Krillin, a dynamic and interesting character who is one of the few humans to...oh, wait...he doesn't show up. Oops! And before anyone comments, no, I'm not going to complain that Tien, Chiatozu, Yajirobe, and others don't show up. Krillin, however, is an omission that's really just inexcusable - he's Goku's best friend! And one of the few characters that actually does something useful after the original Dragon Ball. He deserved just a little more respect than not being included in this film at all.
Then again, with how Yamcha and Bulma have been changed for this film...that might be for the better.
I could go on for days about how much they are changed from the anime and manga and for no discernable reason whatsoever. I've already mentioned Goku's complete one eighty of a personality change, but others too are subjected to the same troubles. Bulma is changed from an enterprising young woman who wants to find the Dragon Balls in order to wish for a perfect boyfriend into a trigger-happy scientist who wants to use the Dragon Ball (no, she doesn't know about the others in the movie) in order to cultivate a limitless source of energy. And Master Roshi, the loveable pervert who had a wealth of wisdom and power at his disposal?
He has his perversions dumbed down immensely and he doubts that Piccolo even exists, much less witnessed his imprisonment!
...okay, now let's talk about the one thing I do like - James Marsters as Piccolo. Having seen him play the very vocal and theatrical Spike on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, it is quite a different shade to see him as the very stern, dark and menacing character. He plays it very well, and it's clear that he's really enjoying what he's doing. In fact, he really seems like he's the only one who's enjoying what they're doing.
And that's not a jab at the other actors, I've seen most of them (particularly Emmy Rossum and Chow Yun-fat) in other films and productions and they've been good. I mean, really good. It's just a shame that James Marsters and every other actor in this production had this pile of crap to work with. It's not just poor direction, it's not just poor writing, it's the fact that all of this was put together...all of it...with no regard for the source material. For example...
Why is Oozaru an entity all its own instead of just being the Great Ape form of a Saiyan?
Why doesn't Goku have a tail?
Why did Oozaru decide to put himself inside a meteor after Piccolo's first downfall?
How did Oozaru not only do that, but also make sure that the meteor would land on Earth exactly 18 years before Piccolo could be released?
Why did Bulma create the Dragon Radar if she didn't know about the other Dragon Balls?
How did Piccolo get released? I only ask because it's the impetus for the entire freaking plot!
Why do the Dragon Balls disappear after the wish is made, instead of just turning to stone and not being usable for a year?
Why does Piccolo have to wait until a solar eclipse to make a wish, but Goku can just do it willy nilly at the end of the movie, no problem?
Why does Goku use the Dragon Balls to resurrect a man who mentored him for all of a week, but otherwise barely knew, and allow his beloved grandfather to remain dead despite the fact there's no reason the Dragon Balls couldn't bring him back?
Where the hell are Kami and Mr. Popo? Kami in particular, considering he's the other half of King Piccolo and actually had a vital role to play in explaining his part in the story. Didn't need him here, I guess.
Again, I'm willing to put the Rule of Adaptation into play...except this isn't an adaptation. It's taking the bare bones of the original source material and then stripping those down to the marrow, injecting it into a rabbit that is then taken out behind a woodshed and beaten to death with a two by four. Then taking that rabbit, disemboweling it, and then burying it under a tree that you then burn to the ground.
Of course, we see why when we finally discover the crowning jewel...the distributor of this madness...20th Century Fox.
And as we all know, Fox is just masterful at adaptations of popular comic properties.
But really, this movie is probably one of the worst I've ever reviewed. Ever. If not the worst. And keep in mind, I reviewed Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, so I know the worst. But even that at least had some basis in the source material...even if it was poorly produced, poorly acted, and just...stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. So, we should gather the Dragon Balls and make the wish that this film never existed.
I know I will...
Dragonball Evolution is brought to us by 20th Century Fox, Big Screen Productions, Dune Entertainment, Ingenious Film Partners, Star Overseas, and World Film Magic.
For the latest from the MadCapMunchkin, be sure to follow him on Twitter @MadCapMunchkin.
No comments:
Post a Comment