MadCap's Game Reviews - "Fallout 3"

Once upon a time IN THE FUTURE!!!!, there was a scientist named James and his wife Catherine who came up with an idea to bring clean drinking water to the entire Washington, D.C. Wasteland area…oh, yeah…there’s gonna be a war in 2077 between the United States and China over Alaska that’s going to result in the entire world getting bombarded by nuclear arms fire.

…okay, maybe this wasn’t the best place to start this out the review…

I’ve covered the Fallout series in gloriously resplendent detail before, that is to say the DLCs for New Vegas have been covered.  As for the rest of the series Fallout is good for the story, Fallout 2 is only passable because I get to blow up an oil rig at the end, and New Vegas really needs some post-Hoover Dam playability and an apology letter for ending Lonesome Road as it was after all the teasing.  But then, there’s Fallout 3.  It gets a lot of flak from Interplay fanboys, and with good reason.  After all, why on earth would we want our games to be playable?

My jabs aside, I found Fallout 3 to be a very different animal than its two predecessors, at least in the vein of its mechanics.  It runs very similar to another game that I’ve touched upon…oddly very similar…and also owned by Bethesda…

Nope, can’t see a connection here.

Fallout 3 does not exactly have the open backstory that New Vegas has, starting you out with the wonderful family unit of a father voiced by Liam Neeson (who abandons you in a hole in the ground, and thus drives the plot), mother (who dies in childbirth), and a dog…okay, not that third one (though you can get one later). You get a wonderful scene of your birth from your own perspective as a newborn infant in a dark and gritty room, before flashing forward a year later to a brightly lit, almost clinical-looking place where your father’s encouraging you into a playpen.

If you’re not sniffing Sharpies…or are me when I first played…you might notice something up right from the bat here.

Nevertheless, the first nineteen years of your life pass in bizarre white flashes whilst in the clandestine Vault 101, stopping at points to allow the player to become accustomed to the interface.  Moving around, conversations, combat, leveling system introduction, all lovely and done in a way with mostly no break in the immersion until you’re about to leave.  And leave you do, when your father decides to make a Houdini from Vault 101 and makes all Hell break loose, forcing you to fight your way out and into a world of brown and green…sadly, none of this is the vegetation. Well, not living vegetation, anyway.

Where is Daryl when you need him?!

From there, you wander the ruined landscape of Washington, D.C. and the surrounding area.  And those with a clever eye might get a notice right away that the map seems to be spread out an awful lot like Cyrodiil…though that’s probably just coincidence, am I right?  For all the gripes I’ve heard about it, I really don’t see why this was a lot of people’s concern.  I apparently just don’t have clever eyes and really didn’t pay it much mind until I had it pointed out to me.  Even then, it never really bothered me all that much.

Combat is a bit different from Oblivion as well, if only in the variety of objects.  Unlike the lands of Tamriel - which have shooting weapons that are limited to just bows, spells, and staves – the Capital Wasteland has a tasty arsenal of weapon, some you can even make yourself.  My personal favorite is the gun that shoots railway spikes.

Yes, you read that properly.  A gun. That. Shoots. Railway Spikes.

You also have the various varieties of melee weapons, blunt and sharp, governed under your Melee Weapons skill (convenient, that).  Unlike the successor to this game, New Vegas, your skills with guns are split up between Your Big Guns and Small Guns skills.  Something I’m rather glad they changed in the development of New Vegas.  There’s also the V.A.T.S. aiming system which pauses the game with the push of a button, allows you to auto-target an enemy and fire at a specific area.  And yes, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how fun it is to watch a railway spike fly through the head of a Super Mutant, sending it splattering lovingly across the camera as its eyeballs fly at me like I’m watching some terrible 3-D movie.

Boomstick? I am the boomstick!

Points I take away from V.A.T.S., though is that the animation sometimes drags on far too long and you can very easily break combat with it using a single perk. Oh, right, perks! Yes, Fallout did it before Skyrim and it’s done here actually better than in that game.  You get a perk every time you level up, and if you meet the skill or previous perk requirements, you can pick a new perk for all sorts of bonuses.  These range from these range from anything to making mutated animals docile around you, to bumping up a skill a few points, to “Grim Reaper’s Sprint”, which will completely refill your Action Points if you spend them all pulling off an attack in V.A.T.S. Played correctly, this can seriously break the game and nearly render the player nigh undefeatable.  Something I’m actually rather pleased that they changed with New Vegas. You can also get perks for completing certain quests, such as learning to use Power Armor by undergoing training with the Brotherhood of Steel or saving the mutant Harold from life as a tree (it makes sense in context) and getting one of a few different perks depending on how you play out the quest.

Slipping back into skills, there are several that have nothing to do with combat.  Some skills (and aforementioned perks) can sometimes unlock certain lines of dialogue that will allow the player to completely skip some combat situations, or get special items or assistance from NPCs.  Unlike in New Vegas, such options take your skills into account and gives the player at least a chance of success rather than outright denying it to the player unless their skill is at a certain level, which I really do prefer.  In the way New Vegas pulls it off, it either robs the player of opportunities or forces them to either grind or find an alternate route to get what they want.

Some would call that openness, I call it busywork.  And needless busywork at that.

A Wanderer's Best Friend

The inventory system, health system, and journal all run off of the Pip-Boy, the player’s wrist mounted computer.  It’s easy enough to navigate through and flows enough, the inventory organized into a few convenient item groups, though most players will happily slave items to hotkeys and be done with it, I can’t say that I blame them.

But anyway…now’s about the time where I get into the main plot and it’s…well, it’s better than Oblivion was, if only by a stretch.  We get a reintroduction of two of Fallout’s mainstays, namely the Brotherhood of Steel and the Enclave.  The plot revolves around both groups, though admittedly both only really get involved in the plot during the second half. As stated in the introductory paragraph, your mother and father concocted a brilliant plan to purify the D.C. Tidal Basin in order to provide drinking water that is both clean and not irradiated for the entire wasteland.  But then you were born, your mother died in childbirth and your father decided to take you away and go crawl into a hole for nineteen years…for some reason.

Really, his logic is that the Vault would keep you safe, but then why wouldn’t he just stick around with the Brotherhood of Steel? The Citadel, their base, is arguably the most secure location in the Capital Wasteland.  Why waste the time trekking across several miles of wasteland to get to a Vault? But I digress.

Basically, the plot revolves around the Project Purity purifier, built in the old Jefferson Memorial.  The Enclave concocts a plan to introduce a virus that will kill all the “unclean” life in the Wasteland…(yep, just got Godwin’d) and the player cannot side with them…directly, at least.  When the final battle breaks out, the player actually has the option of either distributing the virus through the system or simply activating the purifier…either option kills you.

Yeah, no, really.  In vanilla Fallout 3, this brought the game to a screeching halt.  You’re given no prior warning before entering the endgame, something that I really think contributed to New Vegas with its nice – albeit immersion breaking – pop up menu warning you of the final quest playing out.  However, Fallout 3 has something that New Vegas does not, and that is post Main Questline content! In the form of DLC!

Of course, not all of Fallout 3’s DLC is post game, just the first one I’m going to cover here.  Broken Steel, no doubt made because of the massive backlash against the ending of the game.  In which…well, you can break steel…it’s not really broken, per se…yeah, so kind of a stupid title there, Bethesda…

But as it stands on its own, vanilla Fallout 3 stands as a very excellent game.  It has it’s gripes, but overall it’s playable, has a decent storyline for the Main Quest, and at least has an ending that doesn’t have me feeling like I worked so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter.

…come back next week while I try to clean the references out of my ears.

Fallout 3 is available from Bethesda Game Studios and Bethesda Softworks for Xbox 360, PS3, and PC.

MadCap's Mad Rantings - "PETA Member Traumatized by...ARE YOU SERIOUS?!"

Just...read here.

The sheer ignorance and stupidity of this singular woman, one Miranda Bryant - who is apparently a member of PETA, a group I've bit at the ankles of before - is just so breathtaking. Literally, I've got no words for this. At all. I can feel my faith in humanity being dragged out by the collar and beaten to death with the whiffleball bat.

So, I'm gonna go grab two girlies and a beer that's cold.

Except without the beer...

...or the girlies...

Ah, hell, forget the whole thing...

MadCap's Game Reviews - Halloween 2013 Special

"This is not your story..."

What if your life was nothing more than a script? A predetermined set of conflicts and resolutions to be played out to a final conclusion? What if you had no control over any of it? That you were meant to play these events out to the end regardless of any outside factors or interference?

And what if you were the only one in the entire world who didn’t know what was happening?

And worse…what if even that was something that was callously taken away from you?

The paint begins to chip...

Pokémon:  False Red is a ROM hack of the FireRed and LeafGreen versions for the GBA.  It plays out exactly as those games do in terms of mechanics…but it had had some alterations made to it that are not quite what one would expect from a game in this universe.  We enter into the life of a young boy named Fire (or a girl named Leaf, if you choose that option).  He’s ten years old and eager to begin an exciting journey in the world of Pokémon, specifically in the Kanto region of the Pokémon world where the original first generation games (Red, Blue, and Yellow) and some of the third generation (the aforementioned FireRed and LeafGreen) were largely set in.  However, we have not come back to the Kanto that was so beloved by fans of the series.

Starting in his room, the first thing that draws Fire’s eye is a SNES.  “This was his.”  How very strange…his, not mine.  Not some generic, chipper line about the SNES.  Just, “This was his.”  And a sign by the stairs stating only two words:

“Come home.”

Fire is haunted by these words, surely, but we get no visible reaction (as he’s in that tradition of silent protagonists) as he heads downstairs and sees on the TV a boy standing on a mountain, but who is he?  And then turning to his Mother…who claims that all boys leave home someday just like her son!  Bizarre…perplexing…even creepy, some might say.  After all, Fire is her son…right? RIGHT?!

It’s snowing outside…it’s always snowing.  No explanation, no mention, it’s not even a feature that gets discussed by the NPCs.  But it’s there.  A quick glance at the Pallet Town sign reveals that this is “His hometown”.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, this is something right out of creepypasta.  And a really effective one at that.  But so far as I have been able to find, this isn’t based on a creepypasta in the same vein as the “Creepy Black” or “Tarnished Gold” creepypastas.  In fact, the closest I could find to it was “Glitchy Red”, which – while similar – isn’t quite the same.  It doesn’t stop there with the unnerving atmosphere and the signs everywhere demanding the same thing – “Come home”.  This atmosphere is maintained throughout pretty much the entire game, which otherwise runs exactly as Pokémon FireRed does.  The exceptions being in the dialogue, which is fairly easy for a ROM hack to see changed, considering the original game had no voices for characters. Just text…and how chillingly well it is used.

This is no better demonstrated than with the Rival character, Gary.  Immediately upon meeting him in Oak’s Lab, he calls Fire out as not being Red…wonders why he looks so much like him, and claims that this is not Fire’s story.  Even after being defeated, he vows to stop Fire from stealing Red’s story, no matter the cost.  It seems that Professor Oak doesn’t even take notice of this…until you take a look at his computer and read the message “I’m sorry.  We couldn’t find him.”

And, outside of his rival, Fire finds himself blasted by others for having the same appearance and doing the same things as Red.  The Nurse Joys at every Pokémon Center drop their traditional farewell for “Please don’t come back.”  The posts in the Gyms all refer to the Winning Trainers as “RED” and “Green”.  The strange man in the Gyms encourages Fire to “give up” at every turn.  Characters will wonder why Fire’s bothering to catalogue Pokémon when someone else already did it.  Even some compliments that Fire gets are mean spirited and backhanded.

Now, anyone who has played the Second Generation games (Gold, Silver and Crystal) or has played their Fourth Generation remakes (HeartGold and SoulSilver) will know that the true final battle of the game is not the Elite Four, but is a mysterious trainer named Red who stands at the peak of Mount Silver awaiting any challenge brave enough to make their way up the mountain, a mountain where it snows quite often…and how very interesting it is that it seems to snow everywhere in Kanto in False Red.

This, in combination with how many NPCs tend to speak of Red, leads us to the implication that he has died at some point after defeating the Elite Four and travelling to Mount Silver, and was never found.  Is he missing? Is he dead? No one seems to know, but given Fire’s journey and his striking resemblance to their fallen hero, most of the people are very unhappy.  To them, he’s a copycat, but it’s more than just that in this world.

Again, the sign posts.  The strange flavor text about items and objects in the world.  And those two words, repeated again and again.  “Come home”.  And it is indeed everywhere.  Anyone playing the game would be hard pressed to find a sign that doesn’t have those two words. And what does Fire say about this? Nothing.  He’s a silent protagonist, nothing more, but that only leaves us to ponder the horror of the thing ourselves.  Just what is going on here?  Is Red dead? Is he missing? Is he the sinister hand behind all of this?  And if Fire’s not Red, then who or what is he?

Well, the short answer is that there is no answer.  No clue, no reason for any of this being.  At the end of the game, once Fire has stopped Gary in his insane tirade to stop him from “taking Red’s story”, Professor Oak arrives and announces that both he and Gary are done playing – “This is not a game.” And with that line, Oak takes Fire back to register his Pokémon for victory…and the save file is erased.  Fire’s journey for all it meant and didn’t mean, for all he achieved and all ground that was retreaded, comes to an end…with no record of it ever having happened at all.

So…what have we learned? What is this besides some mad hacker’s skill at editing a game’s graphics and dialogue?

My theory is that the game is a metaphor, a living avatar of the series of games and its relation to the fans.  Consider the Pokémon games in general.  Most players will substitute their own name for Red’s or Gold’s or any of the other protagonists.  In the end, though, it isn’t our story. Just as the original Red and Blue were Red’s story.  Not that anyone who plays a Pokémon game would ever have a second thought about slapping their name on the player character and playing through it.  To us, it’s just a game.
 

A game that, when you get down to it, has the same plot repeated again and again.

A young trainer journeys out into the world to become the best like no one ever was.

So it’s nothing more than a script…a predetermined set of conflicts and resolutions to be played out to a final conclusion, and with no real control of any of it.  But this time, the events don’t play out quite the same.  Outside factors and interference stop that, in the end.  The entire world knows it’s happening, and it stops it, forever.

Is Red dead? Missing? The story may never have really been his to begin with.  His image, everything he is, taken over and controlled by someone else.  The Player, as the game recognizes at the end…is responsible for it all.  The one who has taken Red’s face and his path in life and made it entirely their own for their own entertainment. It brings some weight to it all, leaves us to really ponder just how many lives have been overwritten in these games and in others we’ve played…how we have been the real monster the whole time.  Did the Warden really save all of Thedas from the Fifth Blight? Did Jack ever save Rapture? Did Link ever really defeat Gandorf? 

And did Red ever really become the best like no one ever was?

He may very well have never had the chance…because of every player out there who ever picked up a Pokémon cartridge. 

That may just be rampant speculation about the meaning of the game.  Crazed and unsubstantiated.  But as for False Red, I can’t say I dislike it.  The atmosphere is really good and with GBA graphics, no less. It’s chilling, unnerving, and did actually make me ponder a possibility – something which games rarely do.  I will say, though, that I was a little disappointed with the ending.  While I’m all for the breaking of the fourth wall, the ending seemed rather sudden and out of nowhere, and gave no real resolution, though that might just feed back into the game’s cruelty in general (after all, it’s not your story).  Apart from that, it’s a chilling walk that makes us wonder if the real antagonist in video games…is really…us?

MadCap's Mad Ranting - "ANOTHER Alien Game?"

Oh, dear, it seems that our dear friends at SEGA are at it again with the Alien franchise. This time, instead of making a grossly inadequate "sequel" to an all time classic...they're making a grossly inadequate "sequel" to an all time classic.  This time, instead of Aliens, they're going right back to Alien...with a plot line that is slightly less of gigantic plothole creator. Apparently developed by British studio The Creative Assembly (with nary a Gearbox in sight, and my opinion improves immensely) since some time in 2011, where Sega West boss Mike Hayes was quoted as saying:  "This is very much a triple-A project. We want this to be a peer with the likes of Dead Space 2."

So...over the top gory whilst taking itself way too seriously? Doesn't sound like Alien at all.

This time, instead of breaking canon in a way that makes fans of the films throw their controllers through their televisions in blind rage, we're getting a protagonist in the form of Amanda Ripley, the daughter of Ellen Ripley who passed away in the fifty seven years between Alien and Aliens.  This in theory can work, given that Wayland-Yutani is known for fabricating or outright suppressing the truth when it suits their needs, and they really wouldn't have had anything to gain from informing her mother of any of her exploits or - if it comes to it - her ultimate fate.  So point there.  From a storyline perspective, this could work.

Work far better than - say - the surface of a planet that should by all rights be uninhabitable being the setting, a not only improbable but completely impossible return of a character from the end of Aliens that only gets a throwaway line that actually doesn't explain anything, and a crappy cliffhanger that really drives home just how much time we wasted on the steaming pile of crap.

Where I have a problem is in concept. Apparently, there's only one of the Xenomorphs running around for most of the game.  This make sense, much like the original Alien, where there was only one such creature running about the Nostromo.  Being within the confined space with such a creature only added to the tension, which Alien played with very well.  Now, this could theoretically work for this game...

...except it's an FPS.

...and the developers have dropped the words "clones and soldiers".

If you remember, one of my criticisms for the game that must not be named was that SEGA and Gearbox decided to juxtapose fighting the titular Alien menace...with Wayland-Yutani soldiers that really didn't have much of a place in a Survival Horror game.  Then again, there really was nothing horrific about that game besides the fact that it was so much as greenlit, so nevermind that.

I just really hope that this game doesn't turn into Colonial Marines 2:  Electric Boogaloo, because after that abysmal mess of a game, we really deserve a lot better.  It seems, though, that SEGA is at least trying to learn from the mistakes of the past - and I say more power to them. Not having Randy Pitchford anywhere near it is a good first step.  The next good step is the first party studio working on the game to "ensure it hits a higher quality bar".

Really, guys, when your latest competition is still under the floor of Satan's wine cellar, you don't have too far to shoot for.

Just make a game that's not a walking reference, an enemy AI that's actually halfway competent, and drop the whole "clones and soldiers" crap for a real survival horror game.  Y'know, like the one that we were promised earlier this year? Please? And put the funding where it belongs, though with a first-party developer, I won't imagine we'll have that problem.

MadCap's Game Reviews - "Halloween 2013 Teaser"

I know you've all been marking your calendars for the long-awaited holiday of Halloween. More important, I know you've been waiting patiently for this year's Halloween special after my last one. Well, don't worry. While I might not have acquired a game as awesome as Symphony of the Night, I have gotten a hold of a particular game that I think will  A̴͚͈̤̫͔̮ͯ͒̅̂̇ͯ̅͢l̝̮̙̮͍̱̳ͣ̈͡͞͝l̷̖̜͍͕̟̜̪ͦͦ̃̿ͨ͛ͩ͛́ ̸̨̦̘̯̫̔ͭ͋ͫ̿ͩ̎Iͫ͐̒ͪ͐ͦ҉̖͎̮ ̡͇̱͕̩̔̆w̷̴̡̥̝͗a̧ͥ̒̚҉̵͍̮̝ͅn̯̩͎̱̩͖͍͇ͩ̉̐͛̆ͭ̿͊͢t̫̻̬̒͌ͥ̔̎ ̰͇͖̗͙͙̙̞̘̏̐̈̆̅̍͟į̸̸̬͖̠̤̗͙͉̭̒̂̅͂́̒͑s̡͉̤̗͚̝̘̃͐̐͆̂ ̡̡̻͎̠͖͓̪̽͛͂͐ͪͭ͂ͅͅm̬͉͍̘̍͊͋y͗ͦ̈́̒ͭ͏͡҉̭͖͍̙͓͍ ̜̲̣̩̜͈̇ͣ̽͐̕f̆̽҉̼̜͔̜̻̥̜r̻̗͌͢͝i̭͔̮͕͖̦̎̀ͯ̓̎́̋̄ȅ̶̟̥͉̙̞̝̕ͅn̢͇̥̝͔̏ͣ͢d̴̺̳̹̣͚ͩ̽̀̓ͧ͑ͥ̕,͔̖̬̤͖̠̣ͬ͛́ ̻̠̮̜͇̝̜̘ͬ̌̉̿͌͟m̶̞̫͓̭͊̃̀ͥ̆͒̆́́ͅỷ̺͓̰̦͌͢ ̖͕͎̲̲̈̿ͫ͝ͅr̗̹̞̩̠̟̝ͫ͊ͭͬ̽ͦî̧̝̩͉̭̥̥̗͉̊͌̕͘v̯̻̭̎ͬͨͨ͟a͙̰̬̎͛͑ͦͯ̌͘l̷̢͙̊̒ͦ͘ ̤̬̯̺̬̔͂̒͒̋ͦ͡b̘͈͚͓̮̟͈ͭ̿ͩa͍͚ͬ͑ͤ̈́̚c͔̠ͬ̉ͬ̎͟k̜̬̑̆ͤ̑.ͥ̍ͮ̊̽͏҉̠͓̫̰̠͍͜.͕͎̄̏ͭ.̷̤̯̬̬̭̻͈̉̎ up everyone's alley and will be very P̟̙̜͉͔͔̔ͧ̄ͩ̓́ͭ̀̚͠l̶̼̱̗̤̣̩͇̈́̾̐̃̑̊̿͊ȅ̸͍̰͗̃ͧ̿̄ͦ́͞a̧̻̝͓͖͖͔̖̟̍̄ͫ́͡s̤͈̼̒ͫ́̓̔e̲̣͖͉̟ͯ́͒̂̾̈ͪ͐͜ ̈͑̈́͐ͨ͋̉̎̂́̕͏͓̥̼͖͍͍ͅd͇̲̰͒̿ͫͭͨͣ̾ͫ̾͡ö̩̣͈̘͈̙̪̎̂ͭͨͧ̿ͤn̶̵͔͕͔̬͍̠̋ͯ̍ͨ̒͡'̢̘̠͈̐͒̏̕t̬̱̉ͬ ̳̱̬ͮ͝c͓̪̼͙̖̙͐̅̑́o̱̭̭̜̟̭̿̽ͯ͐̀ͅm̸̜͎̻̳̓ͮ̑ͩ͗͌̃e̜̮̰̤͖̭͛͛ͅ ̡̝̝ͫ͐̇ͤͦ̋ͣ̚͟͝b̭̞̰̖̳͌̍̊ͯͭ̿̒ǎ̢̫̯̞̮͓̦̹̘͉ͬ̀̕c̡̦̞̈́̀̔̃͋̄̂͜k͖͓̯̳͖͎̒͗̇̍̑̿͜͡ͅ.͈̬̻̖̱̪͇͐͆̄̇͑̉ͅ. So I hope you're all going to enjoy a very chilling tale about a young man on his T̛̘̜̲̏͗͊̂̿̓ͧ̚h̛̦͇͔̘͑̂͢i̭͎̙̳̞̰ͭ̾̌̓ͬs̮̯͍̖͙͆ͪ͑̃̂͘ ̪̦̤̝̦̬͕͚̗̉̑̋͌͟͜͠ḭ̢̓ͬͫͬͪ̋ͅs̷̥̟̟̼̟̽͂̀ͥ ̧̛̘͚̞̦̼̯̈́̄̓̀̃̕ṅ̸͈͐o̦̜ͦ̿̍ͬ͋͂ͥͣt̡͍̔ͭ̾̒̐ͧ͟ ̷̢̥̼ͫ̋͑̏̔̈̅̐ȳ̬̠͈͓͂̍o̧̼̮̫̪̱̰̅̔̈̅̂͆u͌ͭ͢҉̻̫̼̬̦ŗ͚̙̭̳̞͑̍͆ͥ̏̓̌ͬ͟͜ͅ ̧̙̙ͧͮ͞͡ͅs̶̲̱͙̻̞͎͂ͧ̃t͒̇ͣ̓̍ͭ̋ͫ̄҉̳͔̜̦̘̥͍̹o̞̓ͩ̆͜r̶͕͎̝̱̥̗ͪ̀̇̄͛ͥͅy̷̢̻͆ͥ̏ͤ̈́̆.̜̞̱͈̱̳̘̪̽ͧ̈ͫͬ̅ͭ master.  So I hope you will all join me on October 25, 2013 for the Y̭͎̗̣̆́̀̀ȫ͖̘͖ͯ̊͟͟u̲̘̳ͨͥͧͩ͐͌̔'͙̬ͫ̀͆ͯ͗rͮͧ̔̔ͨ̚̚҉̷̥e̘͖̹͉͖̝͉̋̓ͭ̑̔͜ͅ ̭̪͉͖̱͓̪̜ͧͮ̅̌̿̀̇͘͢n͖͎͍̹̤̫̭̰̔͠ǫ̛̥͈̭̩͕̟̏̌ͥ̓͌͊͆́t̬̖͍̦̥̜̞͑̆̈͗̄̈́͂͂̔͜͢͠ ̷̛̘͙͉̄̏ͥh̏͛͞҉̳̝̥̠̹̼͔i̴̠̺̫̓ͫmͭͯ̈́̍̒̆҉̧̼.̡̥͈͚̮͚͖ͯ̊̔͡ on the Mouth of the Munchkin!

 "̡͕͉ͫ̃͑̔̆ͫ̈́͟I̱̜̝̎̊̀ͣ̕͢'̍̉̉̔ͬ̌͛͏͍̞̝m̦͎̹͋̓ͅ ̨̙̦̳̜͍̫͚̹ͬ̏̓̄̾ͮ̀s̶̙̦̪̺̯͓̻̊̓ͭ̓̓͛̎̚ͅo̮̤̗ͧ̓̏ͮ̅͆͑̑r̶̜̲̪͓͇͔͒̋͋̎̎͒ͫ͛r̟͙͔̜͔̻̻ͤͩy̷͖ͧ̇̉̍̚͡,̴̶̹̥̬̫̮͚͓͑͊̎̆̒ͦ̍͠ͅ ̵̼̘̫̗ͥ̃͑͐͋͑̽͘w̻̦̣͔̩̫͉̳̿̌̀̕͜e̟͎͕͔̼̯͓̾̄̊ͥͨͥ̇̏͆͘͟ ͓̼̖̖̯̭͖̉͗̃̌̈́̅̍c̼̞͚̆͊̑ͣͭ̂̒̚o̫͕͎̮͇͍̗ͬͭͥ̂̓̍͗̚̕͡ủ̼̳͇̝̘̣͎̿̎͒͗͋͟l̗̲̟̤͍̜̮͓ͨͧͬ̂̀ͩ̽̈͠d̤̹̆̄̈̋̉͂͜͟ṉ̷̪̦̬̳ͪ͗ͣ͟͝ͅ'̥͇̮̮̝ͪ͊͑̌ͤͧ̽̇͜t̪̤͑̍̈͛́̌̓ ̛͓̥̆̾f͉̰͇ͪ͗̅͗͞i͇͎͓̱̎ͅn̢͔̖ͤ̅͂͌̓̐ͩͩ͟͠ḓ̞̦̞̦̪͔̳͒̇ͫ̿́͞ ̢̾ͬ͐͆͂҉̳̟͈h̺ͨ̓ͤ̃ͩ̈́͗̍i̧̻̾͋̆͐͡ͅm̳̘̠̰̐͌ͭ̑ͥͭ͐͝.͐ͦ̈͟҉̶̠̳.

Happy Halloween, everyone!

"̧̱̹̲̬̮̘ͣͮ̈́̀̐̄͝W̴̬̝̝̪̪̦ͬͮ̇ͧͨ͂̈ͩ͠ḩ̟̉ͨ̀̆ͩͧ́̚y̸̡̭̤̳̲͍͚̙̐̎̎͆̏̄̚ ̶̡̞̭̗ͣ̅ͮ͛ͦ͂̃a̸̰͇̜̲͈̪͎̎ͧͣ̀́̈͢r̷̢̧̘̤̲̘̜̗̲̳ͧ̇̏e̴̱̬͖̝̮̻̅̉̽̓ͦ̋ͮ̋ ̧ͯ̀̈҉͓̘̮̖̼̦y̫̺̔̇͒̓̓o̴̦̞̖͌ͭu̬͈͙̹͇̤̐ͥͨͪͯ̉̂̇͡ͅͅ ̮̝͓̘̝͙͕̲̘͆ͨ͊ͯ̆͛ḥ̡͆̆eͭͭ͂́ͪ̉̌̓̄҉҉̰͎͇͍̪̻̞̞̕rͨͨ́͛͏̢̠͉̼́e̠̘̘͚̓̓ͫͩͦ̂͊̆̚͘͜ ̴̱͈̣ͬ̐̋͑͗̽̆͜w͈͕͙̌̿̈̐̐͊̄͟͜h͚̠͈̘͓́͋̊ͭͫ̌̇ͫ̀͘e͎̰͉͎̹͊̉̍̃ͪ͑ͨn̐ͫ̐̏̐͂̄̚͏̤̗̕ ͨ̏͒̈̐҉̗̪̦̭͍̰h̵͈̣̥͙̠ͤ̋̔̀̕e̢͓͉̳͓̥͍͐'̢̟̮̭̺̮̘͈̙̊ͧͪ̉ͬͧ̏͂s͉̼̼̦̥̗̬̍ͩ͂͟ ̳̥̟̞̰̻̻̤͂̾͂͋̓̚g͉̒͂̍͐̅̽̂́̚͜o̱̝͙̎̓̔̑̏̍͗͜͢ņ͓̩̽̾͊͑͑͌͛͡e̹̠̦̼̱̞͒ͥͦ̄̀̃͒̀̚?̵ͨ͐ͮ̉҉̜̖̯̠̪ͅ


T̡̍ͨ̎́͊͗ͪ͊̎ͫ̽ͫͯ̇ͤ͟͏̺̖̬͈̠̼̦͇̗̝H̶̛̛͍̜̖͍̜̠̳͍̭͇̼̻̏̆̊̎͑̉ͥ̏ͩͪ̽̂ͥ̚͘͞I̵ͮ̏ͯ̍̾̓̀͏̷̭̲̳̜̝̟̪͕̬̟͎̞̜͓͜S̸̢̛̲̣̳̬͔̳̣͖̠̘̫̪̭̟͎̝̻͚͚̄̾ͧͤͦͪ̔̄̀̒ͣ́̾̎̀̚͟ ̶̵̦̩̳̥̫͎̭͖̭̹͕̳͊̆̓̈̾̋͒̇ͧ̆́̾̄̽ͤ̋̃̃ͫ́͜͢Ḭ̴̗͕͕̲̯͉̘̤͍͎͉͙̯͓͇ͩ̀̊͋̆ͯ̀̅ͩ̀͘͞͡Ş̷͈͓͉̪̔͊̍̾̂͐͌͋̒ͬ̊ͫͨ̍̿ͣ̿́̚̕ͅ ̧̘̫͇̠͎̤͇͖͎͙̬̬̮̙͇̫̥̭͎ͥ̇͐̒̓͗ͣ͌̂ͩ̒̌̃͂͒͆̅ͨN̏ͬͬ̓͊̃̓ͪ̃̈́҉͈͖̱̙̜̻̙̱̫̗̞͓͍̜͇̕͟͢Ŏ̷̧̢̳̤̟̣̲̱̻̤̯̺̭͕̖̜̖̋̀ͩ͊̆̿̅͒̀́͜T̢̟͈͓͎̗̺̓̉̔ͬ͒̀ ̷͈̠̣̖͔̣͖͔̤̥̬͙̤̘̤͈̈́̽ͤ̀ͦ͒ͤ̃ͫ́ͣ̉̄ͧ̐ͣ̊̚͢A̯̟̤͓̠̞̍̿̌ͪ̽̋̉́́͟ ̞̠͙͍̺̩̼͉ͣ̈̿͊͊͋̎ͦ̓̒ͦ̑̄ͧ́́͜͞ͅͅG̶̡̧̧͚̗͔͔̝̪͕̖̳̺͎̲̬̥͉̟͉̮̎ͧ̃̌̌̄̓͂̑ͤ̀Ä̶̸̢̢́̈͊̊͊ͤ̋̎͒̀͏̰̥͖̱̺Mͭ̽ͮ̆͌ͬ̓̈͗́͝͏͖̹̖̬̮̤̟Ēͮͨͣ̐ͦ̒͗̆̾͋ͪ҉͠͏̢̭̩̲̱̝̹̳͈̤̀!̊̐ͫͩͧ͊͊̐ͧ̏̄͑͊ͨ̾͞͏̵͚͚̹̱̲̣͉̬̫̗̯̯̜̟̣̤͕̼ T̡̍ͨ̎́͊͗ͪ͊̎ͫ̽ͫͯ̇ͤ͟͏̺̖̬͈̠̼̦͇̗̝H̶̛̛͍̜̖͍̜̠̳͍̭͇̼̻̏̆̊̎͑̉ͥ̏ͩͪ̽̂ͥ̚͘͞I̵ͮ̏ͯ̍̾̓̀͏̷̭̲̳̜̝̟̪͕̬̟͎̞̜͓͜S̸̢̛̲̣̳̬͔̳̣͖̠̘̫̪̭̟͎̝̻͚͚̄̾ͧͤͦͪ̔̄̀̒ͣ́̾̎̀̚͟ ̶̵̦̩̳̥̫͎̭͖̭̹͕̳͊̆̓̈̾̋͒̇ͧ̆́̾̄̽ͤ̋̃̃ͫ́͜͢Ḭ̴̗͕͕̲̯͉̘̤͍͎͉͙̯͓͇ͩ̀̊͋̆ͯ̀̅ͩ̀͘͞͡Ş̷͈͓͉̪̔͊̍̾̂͐͌͋̒ͬ̊ͫͨ̍̿ͣ̿́̚̕ͅ ̧̘̫͇̠͎̤͇͖͎͙̬̬̮̙͇̫̥̭͎ͥ̇͐̒̓͗ͣ͌̂ͩ̒̌̃͂͒͆̅ͨN̏ͬͬ̓͊̃̓ͪ̃̈́҉͈͖̱̙̜̻̙̱̫̗̞͓͍̜͇̕͟͢Ŏ̷̧̢̳̤̟̣̲̱̻̤̯̺̭͕̖̜̖̋̀ͩ͊̆̿̅͒̀́͜T̢̟͈͓͎̗̺̓̉̔ͬ͒̀ ̷͈̠̣̖͔̣͖͔̤̥̬͙̤̘̤͈̈́̽ͤ̀ͦ͒ͤ̃ͫ́ͣ̉̄ͧ̐ͣ̊̚͢A̯̟̤͓̠̞̍̿̌ͪ̽̋̉́́͟ ̞̠͙͍̺̩̼͉ͣ̈̿͊͊͋̎ͦ̓̒ͦ̑̄ͧ́́͜͞ͅͅG̶̡̧̧͚̗͔͔̝̪͕̖̳̺͎̲̬̥͉̟͉̮̎ͧ̃̌̌̄̓͂̑ͤ̀Ä̶̸̢̢́̈͊̊͊ͤ̋̎͒̀͏̰̥͖̱̺Mͭ̽ͮ̆͌ͬ̓̈͗́͝͏͖̹̖̬̮̤̟Ēͮͨͣ̐ͦ̒͗̆̾͋ͪ҉͠͏̢̭̩̲̱̝̹̳͈̤̀!̊̐ͫͩͧ͊͊̐ͧ̏̄͑͊ͨ̾͞͏̵͚͚̹̱̲̣͉̬̫̗̯̯̜̟̣̤͕̼ T̡̍ͨ̎́͊͗ͪ͊̎ͫ̽ͫͯ̇ͤ͟͏̺̖̬͈̠̼̦͇̗̝H̶̛̛͍̜̖͍̜̠̳͍̭͇̼̻̏̆̊̎͑̉ͥ̏ͩͪ̽̂ͥ̚͘͞I̵ͮ̏ͯ̍̾̓̀͏̷̭̲̳̜̝̟̪͕̬̟͎̞̜͓͜S̸̢̛̲̣̳̬͔̳̣͖̠̘̫̪̭̟͎̝̻͚͚̄̾ͧͤͦͪ̔̄̀̒ͣ́̾̎̀̚͟ ̶̵̦̩̳̥̫͎̭͖̭̹͕̳͊̆̓̈̾̋͒̇ͧ̆́̾̄̽ͤ̋̃̃ͫ́͜͢Ḭ̴̗͕͕̲̯͉̘̤͍͎͉͙̯͓͇ͩ̀̊͋̆ͯ̀̅ͩ̀͘͞͡Ş̷͈͓͉̪̔͊̍̾̂͐͌͋̒ͬ̊ͫͨ̍̿ͣ̿́̚̕ͅ ̧̘̫͇̠͎̤͇͖͎͙̬̬̮̙͇̫̥̭͎ͥ̇͐̒̓͗ͣ͌̂ͩ̒̌̃͂͒͆̅ͨN̏ͬͬ̓͊̃̓ͪ̃̈́҉͈͖̱̙̜̻̙̱̫̗̞͓͍̜͇̕͟͢Ŏ̷̧̢̳̤̟̣̲̱̻̤̯̺̭͕̖̜̖̋̀ͩ͊̆̿̅͒̀́͜T̢̟͈͓͎̗̺̓̉̔ͬ͒̀ ̷͈̠̣̖͔̣͖͔̤̥̬͙̤̘̤͈̈́̽ͤ̀ͦ͒ͤ̃ͫ́ͣ̉̄ͧ̐ͣ̊̚͢A̯̟̤͓̠̞̍̿̌ͪ̽̋̉́́͟ ̞̠͙͍̺̩̼͉ͣ̈̿͊͊͋̎ͦ̓̒ͦ̑̄ͧ́́͜͞ͅͅG̶̡̧̧͚̗͔͔̝̪͕̖̳̺͎̲̬̥͉̟͉̮̎ͧ̃̌̌̄̓͂̑ͤ̀Ä̶̸̢̢́̈͊̊͊ͤ̋̎͒̀͏̰̥͖̱̺Mͭ̽ͮ̆͌ͬ̓̈͗́͝͏͖̹̖̬̮̤̟Ēͮͨͣ̐ͦ̒͗̆̾͋ͪ҉͠͏̢̭̩̲̱̝̹̳͈̤̀!̊̐ͫͩͧ͊͊̐ͧ̏̄͑͊ͨ̾͞͏̵͚͚̹̱̲̣͉̬̫̗̯̯̜̟̣̤͕̼

Madcap's Game Reviews - "Pokemon Red, White, and Blue (An Unofficial PETA Parody)"

Brought to you by "Dear God, please pay attention to us!"

I won’t lie, sometimes it’s a joy to watch something collapse in on itself.  Like flan in a cupboard, like a dilapidated building dropping into a sinkhole piece by piece, we have PETA’s newest jab at not only the Pokémon series but at McDonald’s as well.  I’ll just go ahead and say that if they were trying to appeal to the demographic that Pokémon is intended for, they failed miserably.  I’ll also just go ahead and say that if they were trying to appeal to any other demographic besides the one that Pokémon is intended for, they failed miserably.  So, besides their own clique, I’m not really sure who this is supposed to be for besides stroking their own egos about what good little animal-friendly, environmentally conscious people they put on airs about being.

There’s a level of preachy like an After School Special, and then there’s this.  Some would call this a parody or a satire, but there’s nothing really satirical about it.  It’s very much boldfaced and quite happily demonizing both franchises with absolutely no subtly about it.

Or, y’know, humor.

But getting into the actual plot of the game, we are first asked a question.  If Pokémon were to come to the real world and see how we treat all those poor, innocent animals, would they love us as much as we’ve claimed to love them over the years?  They also take a few shots at how much the series hasn’t changed over the years, which I find rather humorous - and by that, I mean, not at all.  Join the club, PETA, we’ve all waiting for some distinctive change in the series since 1996.  Oh, and free tip, stay away from the Genwunners, they can really be spiteful.

Well, I'd advise them not the play anvilicious pieces of shit like this...

The story picks up with a Miltank being attacked by the Hamburglar bloodied up and wielding a crowbar.

…let me just let you process that while I go and get myself some more crazy pills.

The fight carries on for a bit, Hamburglar slurring angrily about how Miltank is owned by them and has no choice, and therefore has the right to beat her ferociously and then slaughter her for meat.  This is doubly hilarious because the Pokémon games and show have never depicted violence so graphically as this game does.  Miltank looks cut up and has dried blood across her body, the Hamburglar is similarly bloodied (heavily implied to be blood splatter from Miltank, obviously), and then Pikachu when he shows up he’s bandaged, collared, and has apparently had a large bite taken out of his ear!

It’s so over the top and ridiculous that I’m not really sure how anyone at PETA could see this as being taken seriously, at all. I certainly can't, no matter how hard I don't try...and believe me, I didn't even begin to try. This transitions into the player taking control of Pikachu (ha, see, PETA? I’m controlling an animal in your game!), where the four attacks that Pikachu gets are Slam, Charge Beam, “Protest”, and “Group Hug”, the latter two of which serve as your “Growl” and “Tail Whip” attacks.  The cheesiness continues with the flavor text for the battle, with such gems as “Pikachu beat down on the Mysterious Stranger with some powerful words” and “Pikachu smothered the Mysterious Stranger with a hug”.  No, really, I can’t make this up!

They also incredulously state that the main point of the Pokémon games is to teach children that Pokémon are property and that we have the right to force them to do whatever we want, which really couldn’t be more from the truth.  The only time any such ideas come up in any of the media are from groups like Team Rocket, i.e. the villains, who treat Pokémon in such a way and are defeated by the Player Character.  The main theme of Pokémon is that they’re supposed to be our friends and partners first and foremost.  It is with them that trainers achieve victory, working together to bring out the potential in both parties, human and Pokémon.

This game, however, makes it out to seem like Pokémon’s message – and a rather blatant message at that – is merely a sinister smokescreen over a vicious and evil plot to corrupt the minds of children into having no empathy for animals...while, all the while using a similiar medium in order to corrupt the minds of children into their own anvilicious belief system...

Huh. Irony.

Now you might ask is this is just stupidity? Not caring about the source material? Or PETA just trying to grasp at straws where the straws are made of the cocaine they've been snorting? The answer is yes.

But, after Pikachu cuddles the Hamburglar to death, he tells Pikachu of a horrifying world where animals are turned into people food! OH, THE HORROR!  Not believing that such a place could exist, Pikachu teams up with Miltank – who apparently can be named, something one does to a pet, right PETA? – to follow in the wake of their attacker through a magic portal.  But not before you can unlike a delightfully graphic video about the absolute horrors of animal farming.

Seriously, PETA, you made this for children?!

They arrive in that horrific land to a McDonald’s, complete with advertisements in the window from the Pokémon world, and Pikachu laments that McDonald’s is using his adorable image to sell their “death burgers”…and as I facepalm, he claims to want a lawyer…and I find myself wondering if it’s actually possible to facepalm all the way through one’s own head.

And at the McDonald’s, they meet a customer outside who rattles off my unfunny shots at the Pokémon franchise as though marketing and merchandising is some great evil that Nintendo is a perpetrator of.  Insert obvious EA joke here.  And then, he attacks the pair after somehow jumping to the conclusion that if we can farm animals, why not Pokémon? Insert long-running joke in the fandom about trainers eating Pokémon, even though we’re pretty sure that doesn’t happen…right? Right! … right?

Damn, that is subtle!

After being defeated, the Customer laments his lost childhood.  And, of course, gets a rant on how he’s just being overly dramatic about it.  He’s not, PETA is just staffed by crazy people who believe that all people who don’t share their views think that way.  And then, the Pokémon team (joined by a Jigglypuff that literally comes right out of nowhere) meets members of PETA, who they mistake for Team Plasma from the beginning.

Okay, at you guys can recognize satire, so one point to you there.

And we continue on by attacking a slaughterhouse, where we seem just as justified when Jesse and James…oh, I’m sorry, “Slaughterhouse Workers” attack.  Another fight, and then we’re joined by “Grimace”, who is apparently a mutated Pokémon in this version that was made by McDonald’s to eat food made of tortured animals.  They claim this happened decades ago, which I call BS on.  My earliest memories of Pokémon shamelessly advertising with a fast food franchises were strictly a Burger King affair…and Grimace has been in the McDonald’s franchise since 1971…so…yeah, I’d call it bizarre, but then there would have to be something founded in logic here, so nevermind that.

Oh, and the final boss battle is Ronald McDonald, apparently having been distorted by the powers of Satan…or some very heavy-handed, preachy propaganda.  And defeating him with the combined power of all your self-righteous might reveals Ronald to be – in a Scooby-Doo-esque manner – to be nothing more than a man who cares for nothing more than the exploitation of Pokémon (wistfully remembering the efforts of Team Rocket in the original games…do you feel the anvil yet?), and the team decides to share their knowledge with the world about the injustice and cruelty suffered by animals and Pokémon alike.

And after playing this game, I really don’t want to go to an all vegan diet – but a stiff drink seems like a not at all terrible idea.

I won’t get into the moral debate about whether or not animals share the same level of sentience that humans do, that’s not what I’m here for.  As for whether or not this is a good game – well, obviously, it isn’t, is it?  It’s boring, preachy, and is pretty much how a Pokémon is but without any of the charm of the thing it’s claiming to be doing a parody of.  This isn’t a satire, I’m even tempted to say it’s not a parody so much as it is taking the vague visual trappings of something, giving it an Eli Roth makeover and screaming “LOOK, DEAR SWEET BABY JESUS, IT’S SO WRONG!!!” over and over again at the top of your lungs.  By contrast, the Pokémon and PETA are all apparently completely justified in assault, destruction of property, and theft.  Because, y’know…it’s for the animals and thus doesn’t hurt people who work in those industries and are just trying to earn a living, clearly.  We’re only attacking the EVIL CORPORATIONS!

 

After playing through this game – which, to its credit, can be done in about twenty minutes without issue (this, by the way, is not a compliment) – I can really only say that at its best, I roll my eyes at how stupidly over the top it is, and at its worst, I’m kind of offended by it.  It’s clear in several cases that someone at PETA has played some of the Pokémon games (or knows of the “Whitney’s Miltank” and “Top Percentage Rattata” memes), because of some of the in jokes in it, but they managed to comically miss the entire creed that Pokémon teaches, which I just handily explained a little bit ago.  And regardless, referencing things that are popular within the community of Pokémon fans isn’t going to get us all jumping over to your side of the fence, not with this steaming pile of Flash animation you’ve thrown out.

And by the way, PETA (in case someone who works with/for them reads this, and I know they won't), I typed this review after eating nachos.  Nachos that had cheese on them! FROM COWS!!! Maybe I'll stop once you look up what fun means (you know I won't).

Here is where you can play this rather tasteless, anvilicious abomination of a game.  Why anyone would want to is beyond me...