Madcap's Game Reviews - "Pokemon Red, White, and Blue (An Unofficial PETA Parody)"

Brought to you by "Dear God, please pay attention to us!"

I won’t lie, sometimes it’s a joy to watch something collapse in on itself.  Like flan in a cupboard, like a dilapidated building dropping into a sinkhole piece by piece, we have PETA’s newest jab at not only the Pokémon series but at McDonald’s as well.  I’ll just go ahead and say that if they were trying to appeal to the demographic that Pokémon is intended for, they failed miserably.  I’ll also just go ahead and say that if they were trying to appeal to any other demographic besides the one that Pokémon is intended for, they failed miserably.  So, besides their own clique, I’m not really sure who this is supposed to be for besides stroking their own egos about what good little animal-friendly, environmentally conscious people they put on airs about being.

There’s a level of preachy like an After School Special, and then there’s this.  Some would call this a parody or a satire, but there’s nothing really satirical about it.  It’s very much boldfaced and quite happily demonizing both franchises with absolutely no subtly about it.

Or, y’know, humor.

But getting into the actual plot of the game, we are first asked a question.  If Pokémon were to come to the real world and see how we treat all those poor, innocent animals, would they love us as much as we’ve claimed to love them over the years?  They also take a few shots at how much the series hasn’t changed over the years, which I find rather humorous - and by that, I mean, not at all.  Join the club, PETA, we’ve all waiting for some distinctive change in the series since 1996.  Oh, and free tip, stay away from the Genwunners, they can really be spiteful.

Well, I'd advise them not the play anvilicious pieces of shit like this...

The story picks up with a Miltank being attacked by the Hamburglar bloodied up and wielding a crowbar.

…let me just let you process that while I go and get myself some more crazy pills.

The fight carries on for a bit, Hamburglar slurring angrily about how Miltank is owned by them and has no choice, and therefore has the right to beat her ferociously and then slaughter her for meat.  This is doubly hilarious because the Pokémon games and show have never depicted violence so graphically as this game does.  Miltank looks cut up and has dried blood across her body, the Hamburglar is similarly bloodied (heavily implied to be blood splatter from Miltank, obviously), and then Pikachu when he shows up he’s bandaged, collared, and has apparently had a large bite taken out of his ear!

It’s so over the top and ridiculous that I’m not really sure how anyone at PETA could see this as being taken seriously, at all. I certainly can't, no matter how hard I don't try...and believe me, I didn't even begin to try. This transitions into the player taking control of Pikachu (ha, see, PETA? I’m controlling an animal in your game!), where the four attacks that Pikachu gets are Slam, Charge Beam, “Protest”, and “Group Hug”, the latter two of which serve as your “Growl” and “Tail Whip” attacks.  The cheesiness continues with the flavor text for the battle, with such gems as “Pikachu beat down on the Mysterious Stranger with some powerful words” and “Pikachu smothered the Mysterious Stranger with a hug”.  No, really, I can’t make this up!

They also incredulously state that the main point of the Pokémon games is to teach children that Pokémon are property and that we have the right to force them to do whatever we want, which really couldn’t be more from the truth.  The only time any such ideas come up in any of the media are from groups like Team Rocket, i.e. the villains, who treat Pokémon in such a way and are defeated by the Player Character.  The main theme of Pokémon is that they’re supposed to be our friends and partners first and foremost.  It is with them that trainers achieve victory, working together to bring out the potential in both parties, human and Pokémon.

This game, however, makes it out to seem like Pokémon’s message – and a rather blatant message at that – is merely a sinister smokescreen over a vicious and evil plot to corrupt the minds of children into having no empathy for animals...while, all the while using a similiar medium in order to corrupt the minds of children into their own anvilicious belief system...

Huh. Irony.

Now you might ask is this is just stupidity? Not caring about the source material? Or PETA just trying to grasp at straws where the straws are made of the cocaine they've been snorting? The answer is yes.

But, after Pikachu cuddles the Hamburglar to death, he tells Pikachu of a horrifying world where animals are turned into people food! OH, THE HORROR!  Not believing that such a place could exist, Pikachu teams up with Miltank – who apparently can be named, something one does to a pet, right PETA? – to follow in the wake of their attacker through a magic portal.  But not before you can unlike a delightfully graphic video about the absolute horrors of animal farming.

Seriously, PETA, you made this for children?!

They arrive in that horrific land to a McDonald’s, complete with advertisements in the window from the Pokémon world, and Pikachu laments that McDonald’s is using his adorable image to sell their “death burgers”…and as I facepalm, he claims to want a lawyer…and I find myself wondering if it’s actually possible to facepalm all the way through one’s own head.

And at the McDonald’s, they meet a customer outside who rattles off my unfunny shots at the Pokémon franchise as though marketing and merchandising is some great evil that Nintendo is a perpetrator of.  Insert obvious EA joke here.  And then, he attacks the pair after somehow jumping to the conclusion that if we can farm animals, why not Pokémon? Insert long-running joke in the fandom about trainers eating Pokémon, even though we’re pretty sure that doesn’t happen…right? Right! … right?

Damn, that is subtle!

After being defeated, the Customer laments his lost childhood.  And, of course, gets a rant on how he’s just being overly dramatic about it.  He’s not, PETA is just staffed by crazy people who believe that all people who don’t share their views think that way.  And then, the Pokémon team (joined by a Jigglypuff that literally comes right out of nowhere) meets members of PETA, who they mistake for Team Plasma from the beginning.

Okay, at you guys can recognize satire, so one point to you there.

And we continue on by attacking a slaughterhouse, where we seem just as justified when Jesse and James…oh, I’m sorry, “Slaughterhouse Workers” attack.  Another fight, and then we’re joined by “Grimace”, who is apparently a mutated Pokémon in this version that was made by McDonald’s to eat food made of tortured animals.  They claim this happened decades ago, which I call BS on.  My earliest memories of Pokémon shamelessly advertising with a fast food franchises were strictly a Burger King affair…and Grimace has been in the McDonald’s franchise since 1971…so…yeah, I’d call it bizarre, but then there would have to be something founded in logic here, so nevermind that.

Oh, and the final boss battle is Ronald McDonald, apparently having been distorted by the powers of Satan…or some very heavy-handed, preachy propaganda.  And defeating him with the combined power of all your self-righteous might reveals Ronald to be – in a Scooby-Doo-esque manner – to be nothing more than a man who cares for nothing more than the exploitation of Pokémon (wistfully remembering the efforts of Team Rocket in the original games…do you feel the anvil yet?), and the team decides to share their knowledge with the world about the injustice and cruelty suffered by animals and Pokémon alike.

And after playing this game, I really don’t want to go to an all vegan diet – but a stiff drink seems like a not at all terrible idea.

I won’t get into the moral debate about whether or not animals share the same level of sentience that humans do, that’s not what I’m here for.  As for whether or not this is a good game – well, obviously, it isn’t, is it?  It’s boring, preachy, and is pretty much how a Pokémon is but without any of the charm of the thing it’s claiming to be doing a parody of.  This isn’t a satire, I’m even tempted to say it’s not a parody so much as it is taking the vague visual trappings of something, giving it an Eli Roth makeover and screaming “LOOK, DEAR SWEET BABY JESUS, IT’S SO WRONG!!!” over and over again at the top of your lungs.  By contrast, the Pokémon and PETA are all apparently completely justified in assault, destruction of property, and theft.  Because, y’know…it’s for the animals and thus doesn’t hurt people who work in those industries and are just trying to earn a living, clearly.  We’re only attacking the EVIL CORPORATIONS!

 

After playing through this game – which, to its credit, can be done in about twenty minutes without issue (this, by the way, is not a compliment) – I can really only say that at its best, I roll my eyes at how stupidly over the top it is, and at its worst, I’m kind of offended by it.  It’s clear in several cases that someone at PETA has played some of the Pokémon games (or knows of the “Whitney’s Miltank” and “Top Percentage Rattata” memes), because of some of the in jokes in it, but they managed to comically miss the entire creed that Pokémon teaches, which I just handily explained a little bit ago.  And regardless, referencing things that are popular within the community of Pokémon fans isn’t going to get us all jumping over to your side of the fence, not with this steaming pile of Flash animation you’ve thrown out.

And by the way, PETA (in case someone who works with/for them reads this, and I know they won't), I typed this review after eating nachos.  Nachos that had cheese on them! FROM COWS!!! Maybe I'll stop once you look up what fun means (you know I won't).

Here is where you can play this rather tasteless, anvilicious abomination of a game.  Why anyone would want to is beyond me...