MadCap's Game Reviews - "Dungeons & Dragons: Daggerdale"

I know that this is going to shock a lot of people out there, but I feel that I need to be entirely and completely honest with you. After all, you're my audience and you've been with me for over 100 game reviews - not even getting into my television, comic, and film reviews that are also available here on my blog (click now and avoid the rush!). So, I have decided that I need to come clean with something about myself.

I love Dungeons & Dragons.

...

I'll give you all a moment to absorb that.

...

So, needless to say, you shouldn't be too shocked that I'm covering a Dungeons & Dragons game. Considering, you know, I've done a couple of reviews in that vein before now. Thus, Daggerdale, a hack and slash game set in the Forgotten Realms campaign setting of Dungeons & Dragons and I know I'm losing a lot of my more mainstream audience. You don't really need to worry all that much about the D&D settings - of which there are several - as playing this game doesn't actually require you to go into the specifics of the setting in order to enjoy it.

Basically a mage from a group of evil mages is trying to take over Daggerdale for Bane, the god of darkness and naughty black evil who he worships.  A former Banite priestess decides to craft four special rings and gives them to four special adventurers so that, with their powers combined, they can summon Toril's greatest champion - Captain Planet!

Actually the game immediately hits a wall before the cutscene that sets everything up when the player is given options for character creation - and I say "options" in the loosest sense of the word.  Whereas pen and paper Dungeons & Dragons and several of the video game adaptations give you a staggering amount of races and classes to choose from...Daggerdale only gives you eight.  And they're all locked by class and race so, really, only four - a human fighter, a dwarven cleric, an elven rogue, and a halfing wizard. And no, actually, you can't customize your character even within those limitations. At all.

Now I can understand that programming has its limitations, but this game originally came out in 2011. By comparison, Neverwinter Nights - which I already covered - came out in 2002, and allowed all Third Edition Core Classes and several Prestige classes on top of allowing several different races. And that was nine years before this came out. I've read that future DLC would add more, but that doesn't help the game here.

Not that the game here can be helped that much.  The game is listed as an action RPG, but is really not much more than a hack n' slash. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but this is D&D. It deserves to be more than a simple hack n' slash game that is third person and thankfully doesn't have a fixed camera angle. You have your four attacks, the inputs for the interface are fairly self-explanatory and you can very easily just pick it up and start hacking. Simple enough for a hack n' slash.

And as a hack n' slash, it's alright. It's even good.  As a Dungeons & Dragons game, though?  Not so much. And because it has the Dungeons & Dragons name slapped on the cover, I'm afraid I'm going to have to give this one a thumbs down.

Dungeons & Dragons: Daggerdale is now available from Bedlam Games and Atari for Xbox 360, Playstation 3, and PC.

For the latest from the MadCapMunchkin, be sure to follow him on Twitter @MadCapMunchkin.

From MadCap's Couch - "Sliders: Greatfellas"

"Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?"

Who doesn't love a good mafia story?

...eh, forget the intro, let's just get down to brass tacks.

We begin with Wade narrating that the Sliders are feeling more desperate than ever about finding their own Earth in spite of Quinn's continued insistence that Sliding isn't a journey from point A to point B.  As for the world they're on now, Quinn reads from the newspaper of exposition and reveals that even movie critics are afraid to be critical, citing a review of a Pauly Shore movie that is so neutral that it would seem a good color to redecorate my bathroom with.

Although, this is 1996, so the whole thing is likely a swipe at Biodome, a film staring Pauly Shore, which came out the same year as this episode. But that's a whole other can of worms.

Regardless, eighty-four percent of the American population has attended law school, which is further demonstrated when Arturo comes back in disgust after trying to order a hamburger.  Rembrandt, not to be dissuaded, heads up to the counter only to learn that he needs to have the right insurance and other paperwork. No insurance, no doctor's note, no ID, no burgers.  Luckily, they slide in a few minutes...but not before Rembrandt bumps into a woman and is approached by a lawyer offering to take the assault charge case he's just been slapped with...

...and is left to be traumatized as Rembrandt and the others slide to a new world.

Following the title sequence, and in a way that completely ignores the set rules about time being constant in all dimensions (but it's Sliders, so we can't fault them too much), we start up on a bright, sunny day facing a ritzy mansion where a shindig is occurring.  The men attired in wedding dress are walking up some steps to the mansion, the eldest - the head of a powerful crime family - is speaking to none other than...Mel Tormé?!

Bless my soul! Holy smokes! Gesundheit! It's the real live Mel Tormé!

Don't know who he is? Remember the Christmas Song? "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" etc.? That's the guy. And no, don't feel bad if you don't know him for anything else, I didn't even know he was famous for that before I did some research for this episode.

Oh, and he's Tracy's father. Funny, since that usually works the other way, doesn't it?

"Hey, did you hear the one about us?"

It seems that the Greenfelds and the DeBellos, an Italian and a Jewish family (who are, because plot, big crime families), coming together in a wedding. And Mel is going to be singing for the Don's daughter. So, the wedding march is played and the beautiful bride herself heads up the aisle to meet her fate.  As a priest and a rabbi (no, really) try to discern which of them goes first, we hear a familiar sound coming from not far off.  The vortex has opened and out pops...well, who do you expect? Rembrandt takes a fall into the shrubbery, and the wedding (which apparently has everyone up to and including the flower girl packing) recognizes Remmy and calls him and the other Sliders the "Incorruptibles".

Remmy tries to charm his way through the proceedings, shaking the proud father's hand and congratulating the bride on her special day before making a hasty retreat...but not before fingering Mel before Wade pulls him out...

While the other Sliders think that something must be up, Remmy just chalks it up to his fame and charisma, saying they're just stunned by it.  Later that evening, the San Francisco is lit up like a Christmas tree, very Las Vegas complete with neon signs and all sorts of mess.  Arturo theorizes that Bugsy Siegel decided to build up his gambling empire in California instead of Nevada on this world, explaining the very Las Vegas strip-esque feel of things.  They also pass a sign showing that Ronald Reagan is running for re-election as governor of California, apparently having been President on this Earth as well.

Before they could ponder this, they decide to get Remmy of the streets for fear of people coming up asking him for autographs.  At the Dominion, they find Will Sasso waiting for them...recognizing Rembrandt and calling him and his traveling companions the "Incorruptibles".  They work out trying to get a low-key stay, Will giving them their key...and then picking up the phone the call someone the second they went upstairs.

Back at the Mansion, the Don consults with the heads of both families to learn how Rembrandt and the others got past security.  No explanation could be given, they had all the exits cover.  Mr. DeBello inquires about Mel, stating that it's strange that the one outsider of the group at the wedding was a friend of Rembrandt's, but the Don Greenfeld's son insists that they'll find the informant...Mel or not...and...take care of him.

"Wait, wait, don't tell me...you're Inspector Gadget!"

At the hotel, Wade marvels at the choices of entertainment on this world. "Goodfellas", "Casino", "Return of Goodfellas"...on the Disney channel. Arturo notes, in a more plot-related manner, that there's no booze in the mini-fridge. Quinn heads out to find a newstand, hoping to get some exposition.  While he's out, Will gets a hold of him and points him toward the stairwell, saying someone wants a word...and it turns out to be Mel, who is actually a friend of the Rembrandt of this world...or, at least, a working associate of.

Mel thinks they're trying to get him killed for the jig being up too early, and we go through the same wacky misunderstandings that the Sliders go through on many worlds where Quinn insists they're not who he thinks they are.  Mel drops some exposition about the Greenfelds and the DeBellos merging to create the world's biggest gambling paradise and the FBI wanting to take it out.  As it turns out, they did actually out Mel as an informant...to every criminal within about a hundred miles.

Umm...oops?

Mel tells Quinn to tell Remmy to wait for his signal or they'll all just be nothing more than obituaries.  Quinn heads back, stopping at the door to see a well-dressed man leaving the hotel room before he goes himself, learning from Remmy that the families apparently bankrolled the group one hundred thousand dollars, nobody getting that they just accepted a one hundred thousand dollar bribe on behalf of his counterpart on this Earth.

Mo' money, mo' problems indeed.

The group then knuckles down and tries to decide what to do.  Arturo brings up that the best that they can do is to lay low and wait for the slide, arguing that no matter how long the arm of the mob is that they can't follow them to the next world. However, if that happens, then we have no plot...I mean, it would be morally wrong to leave such a black mark on the career of the Rembrandt Brown of this Earth.  Even though Arturo argues they have no responsibilities or ties to this world, but is ignored by the other three Sliders.

Quinn in particular takes the money to the Doubloon, where Mel will be performing that night, to try and get him to get them in touch with the real Incorruptibles.  He hits the casino floor where doesn't find Mel...but he does find a man hustling a woman and Quinn, being the heroic fellow he is, steps in to save her.  Outside, the woman thanks him and gives him a kiss as such...then leaves in a taxi...leaving Quinn to realize moment's later that the woman just made off with the envelop containing the one hundred thousand dollars.

Back at the Hotel, the group is watching television - complete with a campaign ad for one Joe Biacchi, who is running for Governor against Reagan. Arturo finally reads far enough ahead in the script to reveal that, on this world, Prohibition was never repealed as it was on Earth Prime.  Al Capone and other crime bosses in America grew rich on bootleg whiskey and eventually chopped the country up into crime empires that exist into the present.  Thus, they realize that they stopped the merge of two families in the only way they could be merged - a wedding.

Mel performs some hits (I presume), before giving Quinn the riot act for being pickpocketed.  Apparently, Quinn has revealed the whole story and Mel says he'll make a call to Washington and will do the best he can if the story checks out.  Quinn walks him out to his car, Mel warning him to keep his head down because San Fran is about to go boom...and so is Mel, once he gets into his car.

They set Mel up the bomb!

Quinn gets his big "NOOOO!!!" as we've come to expect every so often, looking utterly horrified at what he has seen.  After the commercial break,  however, we see Rembrandt at a train station...only to quickly realize that he is not the Remmy we know and love.  Rather, he is Deputy Director Rembrandt Brown of the FBI.  Filled in by an Agent Reed, he learns that he apparently broke Mel's cover...even though he was in Toronto.  Rembrandt the Crusader is just nettled about the death of Mel and he's determined to see things done right.

Quinn makes a quick call to Wade, apparently having to wait until morning to do so.  The fact that no news has come out about Mel's death despite his fame, so they can't trust that to make any traction.  Despite Arturo's protests that they have no plan and should just leave it to the authorities, Wade suggests they go to the FBI.  Then, it seems the Blushing Bride wants to stop by and speak to Remmy, mistaking him for the Deputy Director.  She brings a disk containing every politician that's been paid off by the mob, and asks for protective custody in exchange.  Remmy reveals that...they're not exactly who she thinks they are.  Cue massive awkwardness.

Especially since the wedding has been rescheduled to tomorrow night...and the mob will kill her for what she's done.

Arturo and Wade decide to go to the FBI, leaving instructions to not open the door or answer the phone for Remmy and the Bride.  On the casino floor, Quinn goes looking for the woman who conned him -  having to bribe the bartender to do so.  Pointed to the casino floor, he finds the woman...but learns that she lost all the money via gambling.  One hundred thousand dollars in total...down now only to five grand. And because the writers remembered that Quinn is a freaking genius, Quinn takes to the table to perform a little Rain Man and earn the money back.

At a warehouse, Arturo and Wade find the FBI offices...heavily downsized it would seem, and end up speaking to Deputy Director Rembrandt.  The eeriness of running into another Rembrandt is quickly gotten rid of as Arturo lays out what he believes to be the plan - merge the two families to have total control over California and Nevada so that they might secede from the United States virtually unopposed, even handing over the disk to the Director.

He seems nonplussed by the news, claiming that Witness Protection ran out of funds years ago and there's nothing they can do.  Wade assumes he's on the take, the Director threatening her with deep imprisonment if she accuses him of corruption one more time.  He also warns the pair of them to be careful - they're messing in the Devil's Playground here.

...an apt, if incredibly heartbreaking name for Seasons 3 to 5, but we haven't quite gotten there yet, so let's move on.

Back on the casino floor, Quinn has had a much better run of luck, attracting quite a crowd as he prepares to make the house go bust.  He succeeds, having won back a great deal of money before being forced to cash out by the casino management...who have caught on to his card counting scheme.  The woman as well, looks rather despondent and asks Quinn how he can just walk away from all this...but he simply replies with the fact that he has to go, asking her to pick up his last chips as he goes to cash out.

The Don Greenfeld, meanwhile, meets with Mr. DeBello, who reveals that the disk was taken by his daughter.

Elsewhere, Wade and Arturo go with Plan B, meeting up with Joe Biacchi and giving him the Disk, explaining most of the situation to him.  He feeds them the line about how grateful he is that there are some honest people in California, and even arranges for some of his men to come and pick them up at the Dominion Hotel.

...yeah, I know, it's skipping ahead a bit, but I marvel at how the physics professor and the otherwise rather smart college student don't see this coming when the corrupt government official practically has "I am an evil douchebag" stamped across his forehead.  Back at the hotel, Quinn arrives with the won money...and finds some well-dressed gentlemen with guns waiting for him.  Later, Wade and Arturo are in the back of an armored car being taken to the not-trap and talk a bit.  Arturo assures Wade that, under the circumstances, they have done the best they could.  When they Slide next, provided they survive for it, they can slide with a clear conscience.

The touching moment is immediately juxtaposed by the two being pulled out of the truck at gun point.  Dumbasses.

They are brought into a room and tied to chairs, where Quinn and Remmy have likewise been tied up because we're in the last seven minutes of the episode and any remaining plot threads have to be tied up as much as our protagonists are.  The Don Greenfeld comes in, asking for the location of his daughter...and Arturo comes up with the politest way of saying "Up yours!"  Not far off, the Director, Reed, and the Bride are all listening in...and the Director mentions he has to get in as they only have a few min-wait, Remmy?!

Yes, it seems the Director and Rembrandt have swapped places for this little exercise. And so...

Times The Sliders Have Run Into Their Doubles: 9

Back in the warehouse, the Director taunts the Don about the disk that's now in the possession of Joe Biaachi...only for the District Attorney himself to walk in and reveal that he's been on the mob payroll for years.  With his vocal admission, however, the FBI moves in.  The Don has payback on his mind...but the fuzz gets onscene, Wade and then Arturo trying to stall for just long enough...and a shootout takes place.  The Don gets arrested, Biaachi puts a face to the whole thing, and the Incorruptibles are cleared of any accusations of...well, corruption.

And on the third day, He rises again! Forgive me, Lord! I did not believe!!!!

Quinn asks the Bride to go find that woman we don't care about and give her five grand to perhaps start a new life somewhere else.  As Arturo opens the vortex, Rembrandt and the Deputy Director have a chat - where the Director affirms his belief that all it takes for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing.  They wish one another good luck before Remmy heads into the vortex.  As Quinn prepares to follow, a shadowy figure asks him the time...and it's revealed to be Mel, apparently far, far less explode-y than when he last appeared!  He tells Quinn to keep his nose clean and, with a little renewed optimism in his heart, Quinn heads to the vortex, turning back once to see...

...that Mel is gone.

...um...how awkward.

He leaps in and we fade to black, but not to the end title sequence.  Instead, we return to the bar where the Woman who hustled Quinn earlier is speaking with the bartender and the man who was hassling her earlier in the episode. Apparently, all three are in cahoots and enjoying their prize of not only the original one hundred grand...but also the five thousand she was sent by Quinn.  While the men laugh and plot what to do, the camera focuses on her lost in thought...

...shame we don't have any reason to care, seeing as we won't be seeing her again after this episode.

I'll be honest.  I have given this episode a fair amount of grief, but it's actually one of my favorites thus far and a high contender for one of my favorites overall.  One of the strengths Sliders has is in telling good stories, because of and in spite of the setting.  Y'know, when it's actually set on telling good stories and not on just creating a big mess that makes me cry ugly, ugly tears.  "Greatfellas" is a love letter to gangster movies like The Godfather and mafia films in general, the opening with the wedding being a particular tribute.  It's beautifully done and without any evidenced irony or sarcasm about the setting involved.  Everything is played straight, which works very well.

Another reason I will praise this episode is because it features a scene where Arturo and Wade are alone together, something which rarely happens, and it doesn't result in the two bickering themselves into a pissing match over their ideologies.  It's really rather nice to see them agreeing and getting along, especially after so much of the writer's strong-arming their "messages of the day" that the two will quarrel about.  It really shows how far they've both come since the beginning and how, in a pinch, the Sliders will be there to look out for each other.

Also of note is Rembrandt, or rather the Deputy Director.  Whereas Remmy is theatrical - lively and egotistical to outrageous lengths - his counterpart on this world is more down to Earth.  He is a champion of all that is good and right, but it's easy to tell that he's far more subdued, bitter and jaded from his years fighting criminals all over America. He has a reputation for doing just that, and being a lawman who is truly incorruptible.   He even seems to take this personally, feeling that it's his duty to help, even saying that if good men do nothing, evil wins.

Sadly, we get no scenes of him dealing out some Ezekiel 25:17 on the mob, but that would have just made an already good episode even more awesome.

But his character goes to speak to what Rembrandt will become in later seasons. Remmy has proven a few times, even now, that he's a good man beyond just taking care of the Sliders. Wanting to get involved, wanting to help, and so on, even risking his own neck many a time for the right cause.  Seeing what he becomes in later seasons...and seeing what his counterpart in this episode is almost heartbreaking.

Then, of course, there are the negatives of this episode.  First off...Mel.  Look, Tracy, I understand you wanted to give your father the bump and I am totally for that, don't get me wrong.  Besides needing to pad out some of the time and give the Sliders a vague in for the plot...I just don't see why he was there for plot reasons, since Rembrandt's counterpart on this world provided more than enough of an in.  If Mel had "lived" to explain things to the Director, maybe it would have made sense, but he never even gets to make that call to Washington so he can do so.  So, besides for the sake of nepotism...I got nothing.

Also, the woman in the casino.  An even more egregious example of chewing up the episode's time.  In fact, in rewatching the episode, I don't believe they even bothered to give her a name, which is odd for a character given at least four scenes, including the closing one of the episode.  And while she does have a bit of what I praised Quinn for in Gillian of the Spirits, that is Quinn inspiring people to do better simply by being encouraging and kind...that's a trait of him, not of her.  I don't know anything besides the woman besides the fact that she's a con artist.  And while I don't need to know any more than that for the sake of the episode, I really just wish they had bothered to try and fill in those gaps.

Those minor issues aside, as I said before, this is one of my favorite episodes of the series.  I just like the feel, I like how the main characters are (mostly) not saddled with the Idiot Ball to keep the plot from progressing too quickly, and that it has a resolution  that actually doesn't feel too rushed...which is more than you can ask for most days with Sliders.

For the latest from the MadCapMunchkin, be sure to follow him on Twitter @MadCapMunchkin.

MadCap's Game Reviews - "The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind - Tribunal"

Y'know how messing with the established social order isn't a good thing? Yeah, it's not a good thing. I mean, most works of fiction don't often show that.  You get a D&D campaign where you save the land from the evil wizard, you're not going to often see a campaign dealing with the consequences of taking down his tyrannical regime that nonetheless brought stability afterwards. Tribunal is an expansion pack for Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind that ends up dealing with the consequences of killing of the Devil of a False Religion and destroying the ultimate power source for a trio of deities that were considered the personifications of good in said religion.

...yeah, some people are going to be pissed about you mucking around with their beliefs, Hero!

The plot picks up as soon as you install it...or rather, as soon as you sleep.  More often than not, your player will be attacked by a Dark Brotherhood assassin! But because you're the goddamn Batma-err, Nereverarine (if you've completed the Main Quest, as you should have by this point), you kick his ass and get a journal entry saying that you should probably tell a guard about the attack.  Not that it tells you which guard and it can be anyone from an Imperial soldier in Seyda Neen to a Telvanni guard and they will - because plot convenience - all point you to the same guy in Ebonheart.

Like in Oblivion, all the guards on Vvardenfell are somehow psychic.

But afterwards, you are transported to Mournhold, the capital of the Morrowind province to investigate further, leading into an interesting story with political intrigue, with more of the vanilla game's themes of how much holding fate and destiny have upon the course of one's life.

Y'know besides being the way they marked essential NPCs before just making them unkillable.

 While you don't have to have played Morrowind's Main Quest, it actually makes far, far more sense if you do given that you're adding more to the legend of the Nerevarine, such as working for his former wife and reforging his sword.

Oh, yes, for completing the Main Quest, you get a flaming sword.

A sword that is on fire.

That. Is. AWESOME!

But beyond that, it's actually a good story, even if the final citadel is a bit of a slog to get through. Don't be ashamed of having to use the Console to get through some rooms (one of the rooms in Sotha Sil's Clockwork City seems specially made for you to use it, because I've never been able to figure out how otherwise without severe magic use). And eventually, you will face the hardest fight that Morrowind and its expansion have to offer.  I'm not exaggerating. Even with plenty of potions and other buffs, I've never managed to get through it on just one shot. And even the almighty EpicApathy was brought down to a single hit point by the end of the fight.

But yes. Tribunal builds on pretty much everything Morrowind did, once more bringing the player into an alien environment and telling an interesting and engaging story. It's not overly long, but it doesn't need to be.

Also, with that final fight, we get an answer to the question "What's more awesome than one flaming sword?"

The answer is two.

Two. Flaming. Swords.

Awesome.

Tribunal is now available from Bethesda Softworks for PC and Xbox.

For the latest from the MadCapMunchkin, be sure to follow him on Twitter @MadCapMunchkin.

MadCap's Tabletop Tales - "Promote Synergy, You Jerk!"

One of the biggest problems you can have in playing just about any tabletop game is conflicts within the party. This is probably the biggest problem in Dungeons & Dragons, what with alignments conflicting and all.  Generally, a house rule is that nobody plays an evil character - largely because all of one of the evil alignments (Lawful Evil) can even work with good or neutral characters with any success.  But even those of good and neutral alignments can, and often do, conflict in their methods and ideology. To me, that's one of the great things about certain tabletop games, particularly D&D itself.

However...

It can be a real pain in the butt to both DM and Player alike.  What's one to do?  In D&D, this can be solved by setting limits on which alignments characters can play. In my experience, this generally doesn't cause a great deal of problems with players. Most I play with will happy make a character within the confines given them by the DM.  Ripley, as a DM, generally doesn't make any restrictions on alignment, but is rather cautious about accepting evil characters, particularly after she allowed them for one campaign and it went...well, less than wonderful (a tale for another time).

But then you have games like Vampire The Masquerade and Shadowrun, that don't really have a system of alignments. Sure, they have Humanity and Essence, but there's nothing that really restricts the player to a single moral code.  In fact, particularly in Masquerade, you have a game where not only is disruption between the players allowed...but is sometimes encouraged depending on the situation.  So again, the question is, what's one to do?

As a DM...I have no idea, because I've rarely been the man behind the shield.  As a player, work with the others in your group.  Try to work on having a mix that won't be clashing on every single issue. Don't make a character that is there to be your expy of the badass that you want to be. That doesn't mean you can't be a badass, but you're not that one anime character. You know the one. The one with the deep and intricate backstory who's lived forever and become the greatest warrior alive, etc. etc. all those clichés.

And again, that's not to say that you can't be a complete badass. But don't be that complete badass who's going to be that way for the sake of being that way. Don't be the guy who's going to keep things from the party simply because "it's in character" for you to do so. For the first couple of adventures, I could see this being the case. But after that...why are you with this group still if you don't trust them? Why do you stick around if you don't want to work together as a team?

Granted, of course, things like that are house rules - there's not a rule that says the players have to work together (even in D&D), just that it's a great idea if you do. And it is, because that's how the game should be played. There is literally no reason for you to go around not working together as a team, because if you're all working against each other then there's literally no reason for the team to trust you or work with you and, if you go so far as betraying the team, there's no reason for them to not just kill you and hang you in a tree.

So yes, summation. Work with other PCs, not against them, regardless of the game. And if you're just itching for PvP, go play an MMO.

For the latest from the MadCapMunchkin, be sure to follow him on Twitter @MadCapMunchkin.

MadCap's Comic Reviews - "X-Men '92 #2"

Last time, in X-Men '92 - the X-Men (consisting of the Cyclops, Jean Grey, Wolverine, Storm, Gambit, Rogue, Beast, and Jubilee and being led by the esteemed Professor X) were introduced as the heroes of the Battleworld province of Westchester, who defeated Magneto and his Brotherhood of Mutants as well as a Sentinel uprising...mostly, at least.  However, the emergence of a facility known as Clear Mountain as an evil mutant rehabilitation center gets the attention of the team.  Led by the enigmatic and definitely not-villain Cassandra Nova, the place seemed entirely legit...until she locked all of the X-Men besides Jubilee into chairs and used psychic mindscrewery.

Oh, and possibly telepathically erased Professor Xavier's brain. And is borne out of the Shadow King.

Y'know, just in case you didn't know who Cassandra Nova was from the 616 continuity and thought that maybe she was just a misguided soul.

And I'm aware that I spelled out the entire plot word for word, but in the interest of being concise, I'll hit the high notes.  Cassandra does a brief analysis of the X-Men Wolverine, Storm, Gambit, and Rogue, trying to figure out ways to deal with them using the images conjured by the Mind Field. Wolverine, she breaks down by having him fight illusory versions of himself from various points along his timeline (with various different costumes being put into the 90s series art style in a really cool way) to show him that no matter how hard it fights, it gets him nowhere and only begets more violence...his claws being reduced to roses as his will being broken as he and the other versions of him hug it out, a caption telling us he's "BSP Approved".

Storm she taunts with insecurities that she lives in Cyclops's shadow, as well as her claustrophobia, deeming that she will be the leader of the "new" X-Men because of her kind and selfless heart. Of course Ororo Munroe, being a complete badass, begins to see through the illusions and realizes that Cassandra is the Shadow King returned. Just when it seems she's breaking down, she breaks out of the slowly shrinking cube of psychic energy, declaring "I am lightning! I am Wind! I. Am. Storm. And I say -- NEVER!"

Seriously, real badass moment.

Shame that she gets taken down on the next page and gets a "BSP Rejected" stamp over the panel.

Gambit and Rogue, meanwhile, have been grouped together and wangst about their respective backstories and how they can never be together, despite Gambit declaring that he loves her...the two resolve to take that chance together, it's romantic and sweet and about to be sealed with a kiss...and then Cassandra shows up looking like her eyes are about to rocket out of their sockets and chides them for having sexual tension so thick you can cut it with air.

For them, she chides them for not being good role models for children (demonstrated with a chibi group of Dazzler, Colossus, Nightcrawler, and others) before leading them into a smackdown fight where she kicks both their asses...including beating down Rogue wearing...Carol Danvers' iconic Ms. Marvel outfit.

Ewwwwwwwww!!!!

But basically, more wills are broken and they're puppeted (literally) into having a vow to wait until marriage, and also being BSP Approved.

Beast, finally, only gets one page where he gets rejected for not being a person.  Because that isn't hilariously racist at all.

Oh, and then Beast reunites with Jubilee, who's had a subplot of finding an astral projection and eventually being led to the "Rejects", mutants that for one reason or another didn't pass Cassandra's test in the Mind Field and were sent below to serve as forced labor stripping Sentinels for the "X-Sentinel" project.

Including Caliban. Anyone remember Caliban? I remember Caliban.

Back at the Mansion, however, the X-Force '92 have arrived.  Cable, Psylocke, Archangel, Bishop, Deadpool, and Domino.  Although the description caption for Deadpool is actually closer to Bishop, and vice-versa, which I think would cause some confusion for new readers...but then everyone knows who Deadpool is by now anyway.

Having gotten a psychic summons from Xavier, they burst down the door of the Mansion and find...Professor Xavier is dead! ...which we knew from the end of Issue #1, but I'll give it a pass since it's new knowledge to the characters.

Like Issue #1, I have no complaints. This is still a pretty good idea overall, I think, and a nice way to get people in on the franchise without burying it in years and years of continuity that would drive someone to Lovecraftian insanity.  Cassandra is a hell of a villain and I actually found myself really enjoying as she deconstructs the flaws of Wolverine and Storm, though I found the approach to dealing with Gambit and Rogue a little ridiculous...but they had to make good on the cover, so I suppose I can't hate it all that much.

I will say, they do have me hooked. I've still got the same interest to see what happens in the next issue, as well as how the entrance of the X-Force will shake things up.  So once again, the MadCap stamp of approval on thi-OH, GOD, WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO MS. MARVEL'S OUTFIT?! WHY?! WHY?!

WHY, MARVEL?! WHY?! MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!!!!

X-Men '92 #2 is now available from Marvel wherever comic books are sold.

For the latest from the MadCapMunchkin, be sure to follow him on Twitter @MadCapMunchkin.

From MadCap's Couch - "Sliders: Obsession"

Meanwhile, in a flashback of Duncan Macleod...

'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

Or so I hear, anyway. When you go into fiction and can do things like past lives and psychic ability, you end up with the joy and sorrow that is known as this episode of Sliders.

We begin with two figures riding on horseback while wearing Colonial Era dress. The woman, it seems, is...Wade! But with a completely different set of mannerisms.  Apparently her loverboy is Dick Roman from Supernatural, which immediately ups the nightmare fuel to 9001.

I'm not kidding, I absolutely hate the Leviathans, but Dick Roman was the only one who was remotely frightening in the entire sho-oh, crap...

MadCap Crossed The Streams: 3

It seems there's a star-crossed lovers thing going on between Wade and Dick, Dick's father apparently not wanting him to take up with the scullery maid, but they make plans to wed in spite of the madness that would surely follow from their mismatched union...and then we hear the drone of the alarm clock. Wade awakens in a far more modern setting. It seems the Sliders have had to get up early for their slide this morning. After taking one last big whiff of New India, they slide.

The vortex deposits them by a lake and the customary falling and banter therein occurs before Wade notices a figure in the distance approaching, parking his motorcycle nearby and coming over to greet them. He introduces himself as Derek Bond, but because I'm immature, I'm still gonna call him Dick, so there. Dick tells Wade that he's been waiting for her...after the title sequence, he explains that he's a seer. Not the Seer, of course, because then this show would be over and I might be the happier for it. But he sees things before they happen and expresses some intimate knowledge of the Sliders, including their names.

He also, quite out of the blue, invites Wade to dinner and even says when and where he'll pick her up - the Dominion Hotel, seven o'clock. Wade also tells the others that, among other things that were strange, she was dreaming about Dick when they woke up for the slide this morning.

...okay, yeah, nevermind, I'll go with Derek.

"Wade! The car! It's a DOOOOOOOOODGE!"

Quinn and Arturo discuss how he could possibly know about their identities, when suddenly a black car with the license plate of "Oracle 1" attempts to run Wade over, only for her to be saved by the epic rescuing skills of the Crying Man. They could just write this and the incident with Derek earlier off and just bunker down until the Slide happens...but then we'd have no plot.

But Remmy has injured his foot and they muse on the fact that the car did actually stop, so they got the plate before it drove off. In a hospital waiting room while Remmy fills out paperwork, Arturo reads from a newspaper that JFK died...at the ripe old age of 78, two months ago.  Apparently with attendees at his funeral being his brother Robert and Martin Luther King. They weren't assassinated on this world.

In the exam room, Remmy gets some quality time with a foxy lady who apparently can diagnose and aid in his treatment without him taking off his sock and shoe or the use of x-rays (not knowing what those are, in fact), calling herself a Fifth Degree Psychic and saying that they must be hiding something about where they've come from, not believing the usual cover story.  So, they're forced to tell her. Remmy also points out a compound fracture that he had as a child that the woman knew about, something she couldn't have possibly known unless she were actually psychic. It seems that ten percent of this world's people have psychic ability, and are trained in various fields using their abilities.

At the elevator, Quinn and Wade exchange some words about her going on the date with Derek just before the group is heckled by a pair of policeman carrying sketches of Remmy and Arturo. They are promptly placed under arrest - a Police Oracle says they're going to kill someone. So they haven't done anything yet, but they can still be arrested. Naturally, Arturo demands to know who they're being accused of wanting to kill, the policeman tells him - Wade Welles.

Welcome to Minority Report Earth, everybody!

"Mr. Jackson wants you brought in for not agreeing to be in the Hobbit trilogy..."

As you could expect, the two are hauled to an interrogation chamber and profess their innocence, bringing up that Remy even saved Wade's life earlier from the mysterious car. When they tell them the plate number, the police tell them that if the Prime Oracle was trying to run over Wade Welles, then it was likely a matter of national security.  The pair are given their "Miranda Warning" and are released, apparently they don't actually make the arrest until after the crime is committed.

Okay, so not Minority Report, just really stupid.

Regardless, it's time for the "Why This Earth Is Different" part of the episode, Arturo reading from a book and speaking of a historical account where a psychic saved President Abraham Lincoln from assassination by John Wilkes Booth. Lincoln, so impressed, created a special cabinet post - Prime Oracle. The rest of the nation fell into line with the idea, and psychic abilities are now a mainstream thing. Indeed, psychics have been able to predict and thus help avert many of the most terrible assassinations and natural disasters of the last century.

Of course, Quinn brings up that they shouldn't sing the praises of the Prime Oracle too quickly - he did try to kill Wade. And in a rare moment of not holding the Idiot Ball, Quinn pretty much laser strikes the main thing that's wrong with the society - namely putting all their faith and trust into one man is pretty much a bad idea no matter what abilities he may have.

Meanwhile, Derek and another woman, Melanie, are waiting to meet the Prime Oracle. She is nervous about this day, though Derek claims he's been ready for years - having seen it coming long ago. She calls him cold and that the anger he holds from a past life will only poison this one. He protests, but they step down to meet them. The Prime Oracle tells them what they fear, he will be dead by this time tomorrow. He speaks some mentor-y words to them, and then tells them he must choose his Successor. His aid tells them each to present themselves.

Long story short, Melanie's caring and disciplined but not all that powerful. Derek's powerful, but uncaring and not compassionate. The Oracle decides that compassion and discipline can be learned, but power is hard to come by. Derek will be his successor, because Wade can teach him.

Bye, Melanie! Thank you for having no point in this episode whatsoever! Bye!!!

Back at the hospital, Wade, Remmy, and the Nurse head out - the Nurse crushing on that Crying Man charm as all the womenfolk are wont to do. There's shopping to be done, however, and Wade's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" montage is skipped over for her to just get the red dress. And finally, she can have it without having to worry about death by Kool-Aid. Everyone thinks she's ravishing except for Quinn, who is too busy moping and fiddling with a Rubik's Cube. Greeted at the door by Derek, she tells the others not to wait up, making Quinn absolutely nettled.

Wade and Derek have their dinner in an abandoned restaurant. He is just vague enough about his promotion to Prime Oracle, but goes on to talk about his love for her and how he's had it for many years. Wade asks what happened to them in their previous life following their marriage, but Derek is confused that she doesn't know, disturbed by the fact that she woke up for the Slide and missed the rest of the dream. However, he is kept from being disturbed by that by being disturbed by something else - the Prime Oracle has just died.

In the Lamplighter Pub, Quinn is drinking away his sorrows. Arturo comes in to try and reassure him that they won't be on this world for long enough for Wade to form a bond with Derek, but Quinn's not having it - saying he knows Wade better than that. Arturo does say, however, that there's no way she'd jeopardize their chances of going home. The two see the TV of Exposition reporting the death of the Prime Oracle and that Derek will be taking his place.

"MY PRECIOUS!!!!!"

Arturo notes the connection between the former Prime Oracle, Derek, and Wade and believes the attempt on her life must have been connected somehow. He theorizes that the Oracle could set events in motion by his actions, effectively creating the futures he saw to be true.  A neat idea, and very Frank Herbert-esque.  Unfortunately, Wade has to come in and ruin it with plot, namely showing off her new rock because she's getting herself hitched to Derek.

And once more, Quinn looks just nettled.  Super nettled.

We get another Highlander-esque flashback where Wade or rather "Kate" is warned by a messenger from Derek - that is "Richard" - that his father has found out their plans and Kate should head to the bridge at Hamstead to meet him. She agrees...and then wakes up to the phone ringing.  Derek has called to ask her for her choice, which she has apparently not made yet.  Remmy, meanwhile, is getting briefed by Arturo and Quinn on the situation and says when the woman puts the ring on her finger, it's all over.

Wade comes in on the tail end and tells the others her plan to talk to Derek, though Quinn allows that green-eyed monster to cloud his judgment on the subject.  They have an argument, ending in Wade leaving on her own to tackle Derek at her own insistence. She goes over to Derek's place, and he turns on the charm and smiles over breakfast.  She tries to give him back the ring, insisting that she can't marry him in spite of feeling a connection. She won't base her life on a dream she had.  He tells her that the former Prime Oracle said that she would be the most important influence in his life. She retorts with the fact that the Prime Oracle tried to kill her, and Derek re-retorts that there must have been some plan involved to bring them closer together.

He begs her to give him a day and a half, the time until the next slide, to choose...

Quinn, aferwards, converses with Wade about Derek and gets hung up on.  Remmy consoles him, telling him that trying to manipulate her into dealing with Derek manipulating her won't solve anything. Despite Quinn telling him that they're really the only family that Wade has, Remmy tells her they can't really do anything until she asks for help.  Quinn doesn't take it well, but seems to relent all the same.

Back at the Casa di Leviathan, Derek shows Wade...her room, perfectly recreated from her childhood down to the very last detail.  She asks how he did this...and realizes he read her mind. She's shocked and outraged and what not and tries to leave...though Derek shows some of his true nature by bullying her into staying. She agrees to stay the night...in this room alone, and that they can talk in the morning.

ESCAPE IN THE NIGHT, WADE! HE'S GOING TO EAT YOU!!!

...ahem, sorry.  After he leaves, Wade makes a phone call.  The other three Sliders and Remmy's Nurse Lady Friend are then waiting outside somewhere in a car.  Quinn is all kinds of ready to kick down the door, and go in guns blazing, but Arturo talks him down.  They don't have to wait long, however, before Wade makes her escape and they assist.  But, because it was predicted, the cops arrive in record time as does Derek. He is angry that Wade violated his trust  which I would be all too happy to agree with except for all the BULLYING AND MIND RAPE he pulled just now...and threatens that she will never see her friends again.

Then we get another flashback of Kate milling about through the woods. She's shot whilst on horseback, and Richard arrives just in time to reveal that the messenger she met was not from him, but from his father who tricked them.  But alas, its too late. Kate warns that Richard's father is an evil man, and that attaining power to defeat him will only serve to corrupt Richard.  Richard gets his big "NOOOOOOOOO!" to the sky in somehow a less hammy fashion than Wade did at the end of "Luck of the Draw".

Wade, apparently having had this as a dream, tells Derek this over breakfast.  Derek insists that he's not a sociopathic mindraping bully, but Wade isn't having it.  She insists that no one can make someone love them, even with all the power he has.  He puts it off for a meeting with the President.  Back at the bar, Quinn and Arturo are discussing the use of Dominique, saying she's connected and maybe she and Remmy had some luck in getting help. The TV of Exposition tells them about the President coming in to meet the new Prime Oracle, Remmy and the Nurse turn up empty handed, and while Quinn mentions that Wade phoned to say she'll talk with the Regent, there's nothing much they can do...at least until Dominique overhears the report on the President landing in San Francisco and mentions she has an old friend in the President's entourage.

...what a remarkable coincidence!

Quinn immediately jumps up at the words that there's even a chance that she might get them in to see the President, but Arturo insists that Quinn stay in case Wade calls. He protests lightly, but is eventually convinced to remain in spite of his better judgment.  Back at Derek's, Wade sits in her room and meets with the Regent...who can't help her, because he - like everyone else it seems - has his full stock in the Prime Oracle and isn't even going to question why he's keeping a woman in his home against her will.  As the Regent leaves, however, a man arrives telling Wade that her prescription has arrived...and giving her a white paper bag. The opens it, finding a bottle that she then opens to read a note from.

Back at the ranch, Quinn reads that they've got an hour and ten minutes left before the slide.  The phone rings and Wade is on the other end - apparently having swallowed the bottle of pills. She asks Quinn to remember her and he runs off to go and save her.  He tries to get the cops to help, insisting that the Prime Oracle's bride to be is dying. When that doesn't help, he just shoulders his way in to find Derek weeping over her body.  Quinn tells him exactly what orifice he can stick his "love" up and takes Wade out for the slim chance that he might save her life. Derek is planning to go with...but is then told that he must go to his inauguration.

[Oscar Clip]

Wade gets wheeled into an ambulance and Quinn hops in as well, taking off.  And once again, Jerry O'Connell's acting shines through with brilliance as Quinn laments having taken Wade with him, seeing as this and all things that have happened to her since they left their own Earth has been all his fault due to his invention of sliding.  Much like Derek, who had no idea what he was doing, neither did he and now they're both going to lose her forever.

Back at his inauguration, Derek is completely distraught that he's abused his power and thinks he's not fit to be Prime Oracle.  Elsewhere, the ambulance stops not at a hospital but near the Golden Gate Bridge.  Poking his head out, Quinn finds Arturo, Remmy, and Dominique.  This is just in time for Derek to sense that Wade is alive and he heads off after her with a police escort.  Back at the ambulance, Remmy insists to a distraught Quinn that they couldn't tell him anything or they'd risk Derek reading his mind and learning the ruse.  Apparently, the Police Oracles saying they were going to kill  Wade gave Remmy the idea...and the rest is history.

The cops arrive with Derek and it seems all is lost...with only two minutes to go before the Slide....but then Derek says he comes to say goodbye, and asks for forgiveness.  He says that the previous Prime Oracle had set up events for Wade to meet Dominique, which would eventually result in Derek learning the lesson he needed to in order to become a better Prime Oracle, and now they're both free. Wade expresses the belief that they might meet again in another lifetime, and Derek agrees and asks Quinn to take good care of her.  Then the slide happens, Remmy giving Dominique a goodbye before he joins the other three sliders in going through.

At the last, to close out the episode, Derek gets a worried expression on his face and - when Dominique asks what's wrong - says that he's seen where they're going, ending this episode not on a joke...but a rather ominous note.

I have no doubt that he saw Season 3-5 and knows that this ain't gonna be pretty.

I also have no doubt that this is not one of my favorite episodes.  And not for the reasons one might think.  It's actually fairly evenly paced (for a Sliders episode), the acting isn't too hokey, and it wraps itself up fairly nicely.  My problem is in the character of Derek, who is a remorselessly evil bully who has no qualms about mindraping people. And yes, I'm sure that Mind Reading seems like a minor thing in the grand scheme, but I will just point at the scene where the Prime Oracle is choosing his successor and Derek mentions continually expanding his abilities and just wonder what else he had at his disposal or what he might have done to Wade otherwise.

And while I have often maligned Wade as being nothing more than Sabrina Lloyd being forced to regurgitate upon us the social messages that the writers want to push with absolutely no subtlety, I have to admit that I actually agree with Wade.  Even if Derek did it for "love", he still violated Wade's mind, and I doubt that he just did some surface skimming to figure out what her childhood room looked like, seeing as that would be something deep in Wade's memories and not on the forefront of her thoughts given what she's been through over the past year and some change.

For all the world is for being so close to a utopia, it's a climate of fear run pretty much on the whims of a man who has the most magical of the magical powers.  It's like in the Star Wars prequel trilogy if Palpatine were openly a Sith Lord and the Jedi Council just went along with it because they feared anything his prophecies might foretell.  And Derek is a perfect fit for it, basically bullying others into getting what he wants and abusing his power as such. This is not a good guy.

And yes, he gets his change of heart at the end, but he never really pays for the fact that he kidnapped a woman and then mentally violated her, because I guess that's just common on this world.

Of note on a more positive side is Quinn, who is the light mirror to Derek's dark.  It has been built up since "Pilot" and its abundantly clear that Quinn has feelings for Wade and vice versa. This is played  on a great deal in this episode, Quinn showing traits of jealousy that had never really come up before, and protectiveness over Wade.  Yes, he's a dick quite often, but he is not so pig-headed as to not listen to reason...even if he doesn't like it.

This is a character, ladies and gentlemen.

Quinn is made more three-dimensional by showing that he does indeed have feelings like jealousy, negative emotions of that nature, but that he's also working to overcome them. He does eventually relent to Wade's choices, only intervening at the last when Wade is seemingly dying, actively trying to save her with what little time she might have left.

Also, kudos to the writers of this episode for giving me a genuine twist that I really should have seen coming seeing that Wade was reading "Romeo & Juliet" at the beginning of the story.  Good themeing that I really should have caught.  Bad Madcap is bad.

This episode, though? Not all bad.  As I say, I've said more good about it than bad, but the fact that Derek is essentially a brazen bully who gets a Karma Houdini kind of puts a cloud over the whole thing.  Still, there have been and there shall be far, far worse episodes ahead as Derek himself predicted.

On the next world, the Sliders had best be careful, or they may end up sleeping with the fishes...

For the latest from the MadCapMunchkin, be sure to follow him on Twitter @MadCapMunchkin.

MadCap's Reel Thoughts - "Dragonball Evolution" (2009)

This movie sucks.

...no, really. I don't even need to go any further than that, do I? Anyone who's at least heard of this film knows the stink of hilarious incompetence that comes from it. It should be put in the same breath as films like Highlander II: The Quickening and Wing Commander for the sheer level of "You dun goofed" that is packed into almost every single scene.  And I mean that when I say it. Every. Single. Scene. The failure level is way, way over 9000 and not even my Rule of Adaptation can save this one.

Based on the worldwide popularity of the original manga by Akira Toriyama, Dragonball Evolution is a film that gleefully drops trou and makes a big, steaming mess all over literally decades of work poured into it. This was not a faithful adaptation of the original Dragon Ball manga. This is a worse adaptation of that than the Resident Evil movies are to the games.  That's right, I am giving Paul Anderson at least credit that none of the Resident Evil movies are as bad and horrifically offensive to the senses as this.

"But hold on now, Madcap!" I hear you say, "Surely it's not as bad as all that! I mean, have you even read the original manga? There's some things that just wouldn't translate to screen!" Sure, I can agree to an extent. Things like the Demon King Piccolo being trapped in a rice cooker (it makes sense in context) wouldn't exactly fly with audiences in the modern day, But little bits of minutia aren't something I'm ragging about. What I'm ragging about is the broad reinventions of characters, the changing of major details about them, and the complete and utter disregard for the original source material at all.

To begin, we have narration about the Mafuba and Piccolo, as well as Oozaru (oddly not a giant monkey in this version) before being introduced to Goku (Justin Chatwin), being oddly very white and very emo. Yes, instead of Goku's rather naive, but good hearted persona, we're treated to a protagonist that cares more about winning the affections of fellow high school student Chi-Chi (Jaimie Chung) and being accepted at school than becoming the ultimate fighter as he was in the original source material.

And this may be a cheap shot (not that I have problems with those), but with his attitude he's about one Hot Topic visit away from being ready to be a Linkin Park roadie.

However, the plot kicks in when Goku is given a Dragon Ball (specifically the Four Star Dragon Ball), for his birthday by his grandfather, Gohan (Randall Dum Kim) who then comes up with a quick  case of dead. Not because Goku stepped on him as the Great Ape, but because Lord Piccolo (James Marsters) has come calling...after escaping the Mafuba...somehow...Pilaf doesn't show up in this movie (as in the manga and anime), so there's no explanation given for how Piccolo was set free...he just was, and the film skillfully avoids answering the question.

In his quest to master his ki and attain the power of the Glow, Goku meets Bulma (Emmy Rossum) and together they seek out Master Muten Roshi (Chow Yun-fat). They get involved in the search for the Dragon Balls and eventually make the acquaintance of Yamcha (Joon Park).

And, naturally, they're joined by Goku's best pal Krillin, a dynamic and interesting character who is one of the few humans to...oh, wait...he doesn't show up.  Oops!  And before anyone comments, no, I'm not going to complain that Tien, Chiatozu, Yajirobe, and others don't show up. Krillin, however, is an omission that's really just inexcusable - he's Goku's best friend! And one of the few characters that actually does something useful after the original Dragon Ball. He deserved just a little more respect than not being included in this film at all.

Then again, with how Yamcha and Bulma have been changed for this film...that might be for the better.

I could go on for days about how much they are changed from the anime and manga and for no discernable reason whatsoever. I've already mentioned Goku's complete one eighty of a personality change, but others too are subjected to the same troubles. Bulma is changed from an enterprising young woman who wants to find the Dragon Balls in order to wish for a perfect boyfriend into a trigger-happy scientist who wants to use the Dragon Ball (no, she doesn't know about the others in the movie) in order to cultivate a limitless source of energy. And Master Roshi, the loveable pervert who had a wealth of wisdom and power at his disposal?

He has his perversions dumbed down immensely and he doubts that Piccolo even exists, much less witnessed his imprisonment!

...okay, now let's talk about the one thing I do like - James Marsters as Piccolo. Having seen him play the very vocal and theatrical Spike on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, it is quite a different shade to see him as the very stern, dark and menacing character. He plays it very well, and it's clear that he's really enjoying what he's doing. In fact, he really seems like he's the only one who's enjoying what they're doing.

And that's not a jab at the other actors, I've seen most of them (particularly Emmy Rossum and Chow Yun-fat) in other films and productions and they've been good. I mean, really good. It's just a shame that James Marsters and every other actor in this production had this pile of crap to work with.  It's not just poor direction, it's not just poor writing, it's the fact that all of this was put together...all of it...with no regard for the source material.  For example...

Why is Oozaru an entity all its own instead of just being the Great Ape form of a Saiyan?

Why doesn't Goku have a tail?

Why did Oozaru decide to put himself inside a meteor after Piccolo's first downfall?

How did Oozaru not only do that, but also make sure that the meteor would land on Earth exactly 18 years before Piccolo could be released?

Why did Bulma create the Dragon Radar if she didn't know about the other Dragon Balls?

How did Piccolo get released?  I only ask because it's the impetus for the entire freaking plot!

Why do the Dragon Balls disappear after the wish is made, instead of just turning to stone and not being usable for a year?

Why does Piccolo have to wait until a solar eclipse to make a wish, but Goku can just do it willy nilly at the end of the movie, no problem?

Why does Goku use the Dragon Balls to resurrect a man who mentored him for all of a week, but otherwise barely knew, and allow his beloved grandfather to remain dead despite the fact there's no reason the Dragon Balls couldn't bring him back?

Where the hell are Kami and Mr. Popo? Kami in particular, considering he's the other half of King Piccolo and actually had a vital role to play in explaining his part in the story.  Didn't need him here, I guess.

Again, I'm willing to put the Rule of Adaptation into play...except this isn't an adaptation. It's taking the bare bones of  the original source material and then stripping those down to the marrow, injecting it into a rabbit that is then taken out behind a woodshed and beaten to death with a two by four.  Then taking that rabbit, disemboweling it, and then burying it under a tree that you then burn to the ground.

Of course, we see why when we finally discover the crowning jewel...the distributor of this madness...20th Century Fox.

And as we all know, Fox is just masterful at adaptations of popular comic properties.

But really, this movie is probably one of the worst I've ever reviewed. Ever. If not the worst.  And keep in mind, I reviewed Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, so I know the worst. But even that at least had some basis in the source material...even if it was poorly produced, poorly acted, and just...stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.  So, we should gather the Dragon Balls and make the wish that this film never existed.

I know I will...

Dragonball Evolution is brought to us by 20th Century Fox, Big Screen Productions, Dune Entertainment, Ingenious Film Partners, Star Overseas, and World Film Magic.

For the latest from the MadCapMunchkin, be sure to follow him on Twitter @MadCapMunchkin.