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| Russell T. Davies pitching this script to the BBC (2006, Colorized) |
...yes. Yes, it is.
Dear, merciful God, it is.
We open on a man seemingly running for his life through a quarry...and given what we later learn of him, I'm a little confused as to why he's running through a quarry. We'll later learn that this is Elton and Elton finds, and apparently recognizes, the TARDIS. He approaches it, the Murray Gold score swelling behind the scene as he lays a hand upon it. He stands now before a portal into another world entirely, lorded over by a being so far beyond his understanding that the gap is unfathomable.
...and then Rose screams for the Doctor from somewhere else and completely ruins the moment.
Rose Tyler is Awful Count: 5,055,636,238
Elton rushes in to find the Doctor and Rose using the time honored Scooby-Doo doors to and from anywhere gambit to pursue and try to stop a creature called a Hoix. While this all would be great, it's intercut with Elton vlogging about his adventures...and he does this for the rest of the episode, with his vlogs as the framing device.
...I think I speak for everyone when I say "Ohhhh boy...".
The Doctor, at one point, stops and seems to recognize Elton...who bolts out of there as this is understandably just a few ticks over his head. He then spends some time catching us up on how exactly he became involved with the Doctor - namely that the Doctor, in his tenth incarnation, showed up in his house when he was a kid and - in David Tennant looking somber fashion - was looking somber in a fashion reminiscent of David Tennant.
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| "Hello, my name is Elton Pope and here's my review of Barry Gordy's The Last Dragon..." |
Some years beyond that passed and Elton became involved in the events of Rose, The Aliens of London, and The Christmas Invasion as an observer of whatever stock footage they could drum up. Now, you might think this would be a good opportunity to link to the Classic Show as well. Things like one of Elton's birthday parties being ruined by a Dalek invasion in 1963 or witnessing the Loch Ness Monster rising out of the Thames River in the 1970's (or was it 1980's?). Russell T. Davies apparently thought the same thing, and then cut those ideas out of the script, because he either believes that continuity is bad (as I've long held is a big problem with the first few years of New Who) or he believes the audience is too stupid to realize that things actually happened before 2005 for Doctor Who.
You decide.
In Elton's poking around, however, he sees a photograph of the Doctor as he saw him as a child. This takes him into the dark underbelly of the Doctor Who fandom-I mean, the internet - to meet up with three others. The first is Moaning Myrtle, here playing a woman named Ursula Blake, a woman named Bridget, a man named Colin Skinner, and another woman named Bliss. Together, they form a group known as "LINDA" (London Investigation 'n Detective Agency) and begin to look into the history of the Doctor, trying to hunt him down.
But, eventually, they get bored and realize that there is actually more to life than being enthusiastically involved in your fandom. Bridget cooks, Mr. Skinner reads the novel he's currently writing, and Bliss shows off her modern art. They all form a band. This is where the episode starts to lose a lot of people, but I really don't mind it all that much. Russell does excel in his real life dramas (or so I've been told, I've never watched myself) and does well at developing these people as real characters. Even if I don't tune into Doctor Who to see pastiches of members of the fandom like myself, I still can appreciate these characters for what they are.
...and then the villain shows up and puts two bullets through the head of that good will.
Victor Kennedy comes along, a man dressed flamboyantly and refusing to be touched, and takes over the group by redoubling their efforts to find the Doctor. This ends up with them working out who Rose is and Elton managing to become involved with Jackie through repair work in her flat, eventually with Jackie attempting to seduce him.
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| I'd say this is a reference to John Cleese's pretentious art critic character in City of Death, but we all know Russell's not that clever. |
Interestingly enough, during this, we get to see Camille Coduri really bring out the acting chops as (when she figures out what Elton is up to) she speechifies about how being left behind while her daughter wanders the cosmos is hard and that, even so, she will do anything she can to protect both her and the Doctor, no matter what.
Also that Rose being gone so long without too much contact or her just coming home already is putting an unnecessary strain on Jackie.
Rose Tyler is Awful Count: 5,055,636,239
...yes, I'm petty.
In between the bits of Elton pursuing the Doctor and later striking up a relationship with Jackie, Victor Kennedy will occasionally absorb someone from the group because he clearly did not read the Evil Overlord's List. Absorbing your own minions is a really, really stupid idea. And yes, Victor Kennedy is the much maligned Absorbaloff. I'm aware that the alien was designed by a child for a contest. I also really, really don't care. The problem isn't the design, even though I think the design is a little completely ridiculous this is Doctor Who. The problem is that the creature's methods and plans are immensely stupid.
It's the same problem I'll have with A Good Man Goes to War in a few Series. Villains who don't know the Doctor or can't know the Doctor, for whatever reason, I can completely understand not knowing or caring about who the Doctor is. But the Absorbaloff has apparently been intensely studying the Doctor for some time, enough to adapt to Earth customs and blend in (at least somewhat), and has read up on the myths and legends surrounding the man.
WHY DO YOU THINK IT'S A GOOD IDEA TO GO MESSING WITH THIS GUY?!?!
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| "GET IN MAH BELLY!!!!" |
Unfortunately, Elton appears to be akin to me in that he's a sprinter but not a marathon runner. A few streets over, he gives into despair and falls to his knees before the Absorbaloff. Everything he ever wanted has been absorbed into the alien...and Elton's ready to give up. Just before it can touch him, though, they hear that sound. That sound of the universe. Of adventure and excitement. A sound that, as Amy Pond would put it in a few seasons, comes from "something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue".
...no, there's not a wedding in this episode. We don't need that much cheese.
But yes, the Doctor has arrived and tells Elton that someone wants a word. Out comes Rose, who immediately berates Elton for upsetting her mother. Rose, who has done far, far worse than Elton did in this episode and will continue to do even worse as we go on.
Rose Tyler is Awful Count: 5,055,636,278
Yep. Yep. Added on a cool 39 points just for the sheer hypocrisy and amazement at the universe not imploding because of it.
The Absorbaloff threatens Elton's life if the Doctor doesn't submit to it and be absorbed. The Doctor refuses, but mentions that the others might have a problem with it absorbing Elton. The rest of the members of LINDA unite and start pulling on the Absorbaloff, allowing Elton to steal the cane and break it. The Absorbaloff dissolves into the earth, as do the other members of LINDA.
In the aftermath, the Doctor explains why he was in Elton's house when he was a child - fighting an elemental shade and being, unfortunately, unable to save Elton's mother. Elton finishes up his video log with a quote from Stephen King about salvation and damnation being the same thing. Elton acknowledges that the Doctor is wonderful, but there's a price that comes with being involved with the Doctor. He saw his friends all taken away, and he worries about what might happen to Rose and Jackie in the future.
...mostly because Russell wants to remind us that the finale is coming and Billie Piper is going to be leaving the show during it, but nevermind that. It's a well-delivered scene by Marc Warren. Ursula tells him not to be so glum and Elton reveals that the Doctor did one last thing for Elton...namely use his sonic screwdriver to immortalize Ursula in a slab of concrete.
And then comes the blowjob joke.
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| Still a worse character than Elton Pope |
This is actually kind of a horrifying thing, imprisoning someone without their knowledge or consent into a place that they'll be stuck in for - as far as anyone knows - eternity. Ursula even mentions that she'll never age, meaning that Elton eventually will and then what? Eternity as a slab of concrete. Alone and unable to move.
Unlike say, Forest of the Dead in a few series, where you can make a far better argument for this being implemented. More on that much later.
But in the end, Elton decides that the real world is "so much darker, and so much madder, and so better" than anyone really knows.
Love & Monsters was meant to be a loving tribute to the fans. It fails in this respect. It actually fails in most respects. The monster design is iffy, its plan and methods of execution are ridiculous, and despite Rose not being in the episode for more than two scenes, she manages to be insufferable even when she's not on-screen. That last one in particular has to be some kind of record.
This episode was also largely done to fit the Christmas Special, in this case the Christmas Invasion, into the shooting schedule. That way, David Tennant and Billie Piper could film that and another episode while another crew worked on this one. A noble endeavor, really, and we're at least stuck with people we can get some enjoyment out of watching. I can, at the very least. I very much enjoyed the little group of LINDA and seeing them interacting both as real people and as friends. It made Elton's loss all the more tragic.
I was even onboard with Elton himself up until the blowjob concrete.
This episode has a nasty reputation as one of the worst episodes of Doctor Who in general - Old or New - and that's really not fair. A majority of it is horrifically not good, sure, but there worse episodes. Far, far worse ones. One of those, we'll be getting to next week. In the shadow of the 2012 London Olympics, people are going missing. Children and animals are snatched off the streets, and the reason is really, really stupid.
Doctor Who is the property of the British Broadcasting Corporation.
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