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| And you thought your billboards were annoying... |
Now we come to an episode of
Sliders that I've been both excited for and fearful of. Excited because of the new ideas and concepts that it brings to the table...and fearful of those concepts being thrown to the wayside for cheap pathos and action schlock in the later seasons. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, let's focus on the episode before us.
We open on the TARDIS evading a missile shot from the Moon. The Doctor manages to land with his two companions, Jamie McCrimmon and Zoe Hariot, in late twentieth century England where...
[EDIT: Apologies. The intern responsible for making sure I have the right notes for this has been sacked.]
We open on the Sliders falling out of the vortex into an urban area. There's some banter about Remmy using some pads to avoid the worse aspects of falling onto the pavement while sliding before they notice that the world around them is...quiet. Very quiet. There's a definite feeling of emptiness as they walk through a San Francisco that looks, for all intents and purposes, to be completely deserted and barren, only graffiti and the garbage blowing in the wind seem to be their company as they try to discern what happened.
It's
really a rather chilling scene straight out of an apocalypse film like
On the Beach. The Sliders begin to poke around, Quinn realizing that something is interfering with their timer, making it impossible to get a fix on the next window. Somehow, Quinn is able to pick up the location of the disturbance on a cell phone screen - this, I remind you, being 1996 - and the group heads off to investigate. As they head toward the source of the disturbance, they reason that whatever happened here must have done so only recently, signs of mass looting of only a short while ago are all over the place.
As they find themselves in an amusement park, an ominous hum cuts the air. Everyone wants to run away, but Quinn tells them that if they don't find the source of the disturbance, then they're likely never to get off this world. Then Arturo points to the sky as we see...a decidedly better special effect than the Allosaurus back in "In Dino Veritas". A mysterious, sting ray-like craft is looming down toward them, and Quinn realizes that it and the timer have their energies in sync somehow. They attempt to flee, but it's clear that the ship has them...until Quinn prematurely activates the timer. The ship goes berseker at that point, losing all control and crashing not far off and safely with our heroes
not right under it, leading into the main title sequence...
Quinn explains some technobabble as to how the ship crashed thanks to him activating the timer, Arturo and Quinn taking the time to examine the ship. Arturo has determined by a sight examination that the ship is made of an organic metal...somehow. They're also met by a man in a tuxedo and overcoat, who tells them that the "Kromaggs" (a name that has been seen by the protagonists graffiti'd onto many surfaces) aren't going to like that and will retaliate.
He tells them that the Kromaggs are marauders, conquerors, who came to their world and will eat their eyes. However, he says that they're
not from space...they're from right
there. He walks off with his twin daughters (in reality two completely different looking women in garishly different dress), claiming that he does not wish to be here when the Kromaggs arrive.
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| "Do you read Sutter Cane?" |
Because Wade has an astounding bonus to her Spot check, she managed to notice the medical bracelet on the man's hand, apparently from a place called "Gatehaven". She mentions that her uncle worked at Gatehaven, on their world, a loony bin. Quinn theorizes that, when the Kromaggs invaded, the inmates were set free in the city while everyone else ran off. In spite of all of this, Arturo
still wants to pick apart the space ship.
Remmy and Wade not being complete idiots insist that they should leave well enough alone, but Arturo won't be dissuaded and Quinn says that someone or something might be hurt in there, tells the others to keep their eyes peeled for any other ships, and promising that they won't be long. Again, the music is very ominous and the environment is very dark and foreboding as they navigate their way through the wrecked spaceship. Quinn and Arturo begin to investigate the technology, Arturo apparently able to identify that they're breathing an oxygen and nitrogen mix almost immediately, thus theorizing that the Kromaggs must come from a planet similar to Earth.
Outside, however, Remmy and Wade are both less than pleased at the idea of sticking around. Remmy starts to rant about his backstory just before he was first picked up by the Sliders, but Wade - in a rare meta moment - tells him to stow it, since they all know how they ended up here. She laments being left out of things and we do a crossfade to reveal that it's now night. So much for "won't be long", eh, Quinn?
Back on the ship, having been there for at least a few hours, Quinn and Arturo finally find a shrouded body...it's the Master from
Buffy! Actually, it's a Kromagg - an ape-like creature in a ridiculous-looking flight suit. They determine that it's dead, Quinn lamenting that he caused it much like he did back in "The Good, the Bad, and the Wealthy", but Arturo cuts him off, claiming that - if he did cause this - then he's a hero. The Kromagg was an invading soldier, after all. Examining its arm, Arturo finds a strange device on the wrist that he begins to try and pull off...which activates a shrieking alarm that gets them both to turn tail and run from the ship.
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| "I wouldn't worry, Mr. Mallory, he's only mostly dead..." |
Meeting up with Wade and Remmy outside, they take off running with two Kromaggs in pursuit having apparently come from...
somewhere. It's here that we get our first good look at the Kromaggs and...well, to be frank, they look ridiculous. The creature design is fairly solid with the appearance, very ape-like and beastial. But where it gets killed is their outfits - black or dark blue jump suits with red stripes all about.
And given what we will see of the Kromaggs in later seasons, this outfit and appearance are null and void anyway, so...let's move on before I go cross eyed.
The Sliders run through the abandoned amusement park in the shadow of a roller coaster, where they hide as the Kromaggs actually managed to pass them. With twenty-three seconds until the next slide, Quinn gets ready to open the vortex...and the Kromaggs turn up the lights. Of course, panic at being discovered doesn't keep the Sliders from having a moment together where they discuss it, Wade being freaked out by the ape-man look of the Kromaggs. Arturo points out an even more chilling revelations - the thing in it that's disturbing isn't the ape, it's the
man.
Unsettling as it is, Quinn activates the timer and the vortex is opened. Remmy and Arturo head through, Wade preparing to do so as well before they both hear the sound of a vortex opening and gaze up into the sky. Instead of the calming blue-silvery appearance of their vortex, a portal of crimson red and dark black tears open in the night sky...and a Kromagg vessel pours out from it.
The Kromaggs are
Sliders!!!!
Full disclosure, the first time I ever watched this, my jaw actually dropped at that, so kudos there.
Nevertheless, with the Kromaggs on their tail, Quinn nudges Wade toward the vortex and likewise follows, leaving the two Kromaggs looking just nettled. Through the vortex, we find an enthusiastic crowd applauding as the Sliders come through - apparently Arturo landed in a bread cart upon arrival and the people found this most amusing. Arturo has learned from that interaction that they are in Versailles West on the continent of New France. And, as the Englishman that he is, Arturo is just nettled.
Super nettled.
We get some visual gags and later some snarky French waiter before there's some serious discussion about the Kromaggs, Quinn and Wade apparently having gotten Remmy and Arturo caught up onscreen. From his studies on the ship, Arturo has determined that the Kromaggs actually
aren't alien, they're just as human as we are - just from a different parallel Earth where a different kind of ape evolved instead of those that became humans as we know them. But with the Kromaggs being sliders, it's determined that they need now more than ever to get back to their world and warn them. In fact, Wade goes so far as to say that they should warn every world - starting with this one. Arturo brings up the fact that they've got no way
of doing that.
We get some more snark with the waiter because...funny? Then we come back to the downed Kromagg ship on the previous world. Kromaggs have perfected the art of convenient closed circuit television and watch a replay of Quinn and Arturo's entrance into ship, thus having a positive ID on them.
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| "YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP!!!! OH, GODDAMN YOU!!!" |
Back in New France, Arturo has to sell off his watch due to Remmy having lost his wallet. Arturo has a rant about French stereotypes that the others are amused by until Remmy notices something in Arturo's pocket and he's forced to pull out the Kromagg wrist device. They are naturally a little shocked that he would do this, but Arturo points out that it is the only thing that would corroborate their story about the Kromaggs should they ever return to their Earth.
A good idea, in theory, though given that tampering with it was what got them into trouble in the first place...yeah, no, Professor. That's...really rather stupid of you. Especially when you notice that it's flashing and you can't
imagine why.
Needless to say, the Kromaggs show up and scoop them up before Quinn can shoot the ship down with the timer. The four of them awaken paralyzed to four sections of wall, a woman telling them that the Kromaggs have mastered gravitational science. She introduces herself as Mary, saying they are "prisoners of...
guests...of the Kromagg Dynasty". They try to talk their way out of it, but Mary and her masters are having none of it. The Kromaggs apparently refuse to learn any human tongue, so they psychically project their words to Mary so she can interpret.
This, again, goes against almost
everything we see in later seasons, but that's a bridge we've yet to cross.
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| I've heard of sticking around, but this is ridiculous... |
Mary explains they're being taken to Earth 113, with Arturo spelling out the revelation that the Kromaggs can control sliding, something that they are still unable to do. The Kromaggs, it seems, want to know how they disabled the Kromagg ship. The Kromaggs, according to Mary, did not invade but were called in to settle a dispute, in which the Sliders intervened.
Which brings up a very interesting idea...but we'll cross the bridge when we come to it.
Mary also explains a bit as to how she became a mouthpiece for the Kromaggs, and that her world had basically accepted the Kromaggs as their superiors and the world prospered and so on. Mary tells them that they will be debriefed on Earth 113, and their willingness to cooperate with the Kromaggs will determine their fate.
On Earth 113, Remmy laments not having food or knowing what the time is. Quinn agrees, not knowing the same given their predicament - being in a room with no windows or clocks. Quinn notes that the four of them have never been together since they arrived, the Kromaggs trying to divide and conquer them. Remmy is called out of the cell, Quinn demanding to come along, but the Kromaggs refusing him and likewise refusing to answer Remmy's questions. Quinn urges him to stay strong, not tell them anything.
In a large chamber, Remmy encounters an older gentleman, who he identifies as his father. Mr. Brown tells Remmy that the Kromaggs now control Earth Prime, thought apparently - as on Mary's Earth - they were welcomed. Remmy's suspicious, noting how nervous that Mr. Brown is, but he goes on to say how much the Kromaggs have benefited their world and that dozens are going to the Kromagg homeworld - a paradise to outdo Eden itself.
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| "No, Remmy...I am your father..." |
The Crying Man, naturally not being an idiot, does not buy any of this. When Mr. Brown tries to get him to let the Kromaggs cross-check the coordinates, claiming that the Kromaggs might even let him come live on the Kromagg homeworld with him...and his kid sister. Thus, the jig is up, as Remmy didn't have a sister on Earth Prime.
We cut to Arturo returning to his cell, Remmy meeting him there. Apparently, they've been brown-nosing Arturo if he just reveals the whereabouts of their Earth. Another prison knocks on the wall and talks a bit about how the Kromaggs are keeping prisoners...some for slave labor and some for food. Arturo claims that from all he's heard, the Kromaggs are supposed to be a civilized people. The other prisoner tells him about the black market price on human eyes, echoing what the crazy man said earlier.
Apparently, though, the sliders are protected...provided they tell the Kromaggs what they want to know. Arturo reaffirms with Remmy that they keep their secrets to themselves...and then turns to see Remmy entering the cell, the one he had been speaking to gone!
...no, I already used the "What a Twist" gif.
Nevertheless, it seems the Kromaggs have more abilities than they were led to believe. In an interrogation chamber, Wade is being...interrogated...for the location of her Earth, which Wade insists she doesn't know. They also are not the advance scouts of a Sliding army. Of course, Wade tells them that even if she did know, she wouldn't tell them...at least until Quinn is brought up and they pull a Bond villain on her.
Back in the cell afterwards, Wade tells Arturo and Remmy that she told the Kromaggs about some of the worlds they had visited to try and buy them time. They realize that they're all off balance because of the Kromagg techniques, Arturo coming up with the revolutionary plan of a jailbreak. Wade brings up that they need to find Quinn, though both Remmy and Arturo point out that he may already be dead thanks to the Kromaggs.
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| Looks like Wade's a little blue.......stop booing me! |
Quinn Mallory however - who did
not die - is in an arboretum with Mary. Mary tells him that this is her private sanctuary outside of the Kromaggs' watch, that she was only able to arrange for Quinn to be here. Mary reveals that the Kromaggs have been testing them, being that they're the first homo sapiens who knew of the secrets of sliding.
...besides Quinn's double from the pilot episode who was the one who...oh, wait...wait...nevermind. Bridge crossing to be determined...
Mary explains that Quinn that the Kromaggs were a tribal people who warred endlessly until they discovered sliding and found world after world inhabited and dominated by homo sapiens who were even worse than they. Hence, the Kromaggs formed into a Dynasty and set about conquering Earths for their own good. Quinn asks why Mary would take the risk to tell him this, and she tells him that she knows his time is numbered - the Kromaggs will put him to death - and she does not want him to die, seeing as she has never seen someone resist the Kromaggs so.
Quinn urges her to get the timer so that he and the others can escape, even offering to bring her along, but Mary says it's too late - tomorrow, the others will be killed and Quinn will be carted back off to the Kromagg homeworld for interrogation of a higher caliber. Quinn vows to resist 'til the bitter end, Mary saying that there's nothing she can do...but she passes him a plastic card with Kromagg markings on it.
Quinn comes back giving us some details about Mary that we won't care about after this episode - spoiler alert - and Quinn uses it to open their cell and let them out. The four resolve, trick or no, to get through...getting the attention of the prisoner (who might be Bennish, it's hard to tell) from earlier. Wade goes over with the card, resolving to get him out...with us seeing that his eyes have been torn out by the Kromaggs. He tells them that it's too late for him...and for them.
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| "You don't need eyes where we're going!!!!" |
He screams for the guards and the others take off down the corridor. They fight and run through the few they run into, Quinn destroying some sliding equipment of the Kromaggs along the way to see that they can't use it. This time, however, sees that the Kromaggs catch up to and corner them...
...and then Mary shows up with a laser gun to cover their escape. With the timer back, they can slide but it has to be on the world that they came from. Conveniently, Mary has set the slide device to take them right back there! The others head through, but Quinn remains behind as Mary is shot, dying on the floor as she says that the Kromaggs had taught her more than they ever knew...never knowing she'd do something like this. She urges him toward his freedom, Quinn telling her that the Kromaggs were wrong concerning her backstory...etc., etc.
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| "I never took...the Kobayashi Maru test...until now. What do you think...of my solution?" |
She dies, and Quinn goes through the gate. The Sliders return to New France, where Arturo decides that it isn't
so bad after the Kromagg prison world. Wade and Remmy chuckle at this, but Quinn is still somber after Mary's death.
EXCEPT SHE'S TOTALLY NOT! OH, MY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD!
We return to Earth 113, a Kromagg is debriefing her on the events - speaking aloud in English. They have come to the conclusion that Quinn and company really don't have any idea where their world is and have actually been sliding at random this whole time. However, the Kromaggs have implanted a tracking device into one of the Sliders that will allow the Kromaggs to track their journeys.
Got all that? Good. Now forget about it, because it has almost nothing to do with what happens in Season 3. At all.
No, I'm not joking. I don't even think they get so much as a vague mention until the end of Season 3.
Mary is allowed one hour of freedom in the garden before she returns to her cage, which she tearfully thanks her Masters for...bringing into question just how much of an act she was performing.
So, let's get down to brass tacks - is this episode good or bad? Definitely a good one in my mind. The beginning is rather dark and foreboding with all the hinting of what Kromaggs are. It's very clear that there was a lot of thought put into them, rather than just making them a sort of villain of the week. It's also clear they were intended to be recurring foes, though likely
not at the volume they were used in Seasons 4 and 5.
Really the idea of an enemy that not only has access to sliding technology but has more control over it than the heroes do really builds up the Kromaggs as a really, really tough and frightening force. With such power at their disposal, the Kromaggs would always be a looming threat as the Sliders traveled from world to world - the sword of Damocles hanging over their heads through every encounter with the knowledge firmly in their minds that the Kromaggs merely
existed to continue conquering parallel worlds. They could show up anywhere, at any time, and the Sliders would be almost powerless to fight them or even warn other parallel worlds about them.
The keyword in that last sentence being "
could" show up, not "
should show up every freaking episode".
Thanks, David Peckinpah. Thanks a lot.
The other idea that this episode brings up a little more overtly is the fact that, in new worlds, Sliders have no idea whether or not their inventions are actually doing good. Granted, this idea has been brought up before like in "El Sid", but the fact is that the Sliders generally have no idea of the history or current events of the places that they land until a little bit later in any given episode. This has most recently been demonstrated in "Greatfellas" when Remmy took the one hundred thousand dollar bribe meant for his double.
Of course, the Kromaggs are pretty irredeemably evil and bloodthirsty, so I'm more than willing to give the group a pass this time around.
Also, this is a minor note, but I actually prefer how the Kromaggs look in this episode as opposed to the later appearances where they look like Sontarans in S.S. uniforms, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Now, with all of this out of the way, you'd probably think we're done with Season Two. This feels like a season finale, am I right? A new threat established, the heroes escaping just in the nick of time, but with the promise that we'll see the enemies once again due to the tracking device implanted in one of the Sliders - all of it seems indicative of wrapping up the season. But, nope, we've got ourselves one more episode before all is said and done for Season Two.
"Knock-knock!" "Who's there?" "A completely pointless and needless complicated episode!"
Stay tuned for the end of Season 2!
Sliders and all related materials are the property of Universal.
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