From MadCap's Couch - Supernatural: "Family Remains"

"Daddy, where is my Pantene?"

Remember when Supernatural had so many episodes in the first season that I started cracking jokes about it?

Don't know why that came up.

Anyway, here's Family Remains.

After the previously on segment that details Dean's trauma dump to Sam, we cut to a house in the country where an old man is watching television when the lights flicker and the power goes out. As he attempts to get the power back on, he is assaulted by a dirty-looking young woman that attacks him, splattering his blood all over a "Home Sweet Home" sign.

Sometime later, Sam and Dean are in the Impala and Sam is lying out right where Dean was going to town on Anna in the last episode.

...eww!

Dean is up looking for jobs and has been keeping them running for a month now on case after case after case. Sam calls him out on deflecting, but Dean keeps to the job - specifically, one in Nebraska concerning the man we saw in the cold open.

Arriving there, they find the place has been completely emptied but are unable to effectively determine if it's a ghost due to EMF-interference from powerlines. Their troubles are compounded by something in the walls that's watching them (they find a sealed over dumbwaiter) and a creepy doll head in the closet. Also, a new family arrives to move into the house - a father, mother, uncle, and two kids. The mother is played by Helen Slater, which clearly means we're getting that Supernatural and Supergirl crossover we've all clearly wanted!

Sam and Dean do a bit of fast-talking while posing as County Officials to get the family to stay out of the house for a night.

After this, the boys question the cleaner of the victim - Mr. Gibson - and she mentions that the man's wife died in childbirth and his daughter later hung herself in his attic. She even has pictures! However, she doesn't know why the daughter hung herself. She gets the usual spectrum of questions about ghosts, but says none of that happened. However, she does mention rustling in the walls, though says she never saw any rats.

Also, Mrs. Gibson and her daughter were both cremated.

Back at the house, the uncle has checked the house and - with a background in construction - calls BS on Sam and Dean's ploy, the family moving in. The daughter, Kate, sees a girl in an upstairs window. When she looks away and looks back, the girl is gone. Later that night the son - Danny - encounters the girl by her opening his closet door and playing with a ball with him.

"...you didn't have sex here, right?"
"Oh, I've had sex everywhere in here, Sammy."

Downstairs, Kara Zor-El and her husband talk about a bunch of background information that we don't care about.

Sam and Dean roll up to find the house occupied. Sam suggests, jokingly, that they tell the family the truth.

The uncle, while unpacking, discovers "GO" written hastily in crayon on the wall. The family tries to blame Danny for this, but he insist that it isn't him. The girl in the walls wants the adults to leave and for him to stay there. Because adults are stupid, they keep pushing the issue despite the fact that he's actually telling them the truth.

That night, Kate thinks she's petting the family dog - Buster - but discovers that her hand is being licked by... something else that escapes into her closet... needless to say, she runs out of the room screaming "GHOST!", which is the second-most rational thing someone in this family has done. Having heard the screams, Sam and Dean bust in and Sam finally tells them the truth - they have a ghost. Just after the explanation is given, the lights go out and they hear the dog whimpering they follow a trail only to find another crayon drawn message of "TOO LATE".

This is punctuated by them finding the tires of all the vehicles - including the Impala - have been slashed. Somehow, Sam and Dean's arsenal was discovered in the trunk of the Impala.

...how they found out about the trunk, much less got into it, is something the episode skillfully avoids. Badly.

They get the family in the living room and put up a salt circle. Kate is able to identify the girl in the pictures from the cleaner, though she claims the girl was a lot paler and a lot dirtier. The uncle attempts to leave and Dean intimidates him into staying by bluffing about the gun that he doesn't have. When Sam calls him on this, Dean is adamant that he's not letting anyone else die tonight.

A reluctant Sam goes to check the attic.

As the uncle keeps antagonizing Dean regardless, a door creaks open and the ghost girl enters. As Dean brandishes an iron poker, he instructs the family to stay in the salt circle... which the girl just steps over with no negative consequences. She is, as you'd know if you were paying attention up until now, not a ghost. The family books it while Dean gives her a fight. Sam puts an end to it with his flashlight, which scares her back into her hiding hole. Sam did find the daughter's diary, but has nothing else to report. When the family gets together again, they can't find Danny... he's still in the house, somewhere.

"Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and savior, Papa Jupiter?"

The father tries to get Helen Slater to leave with their daughter, but Dean insists that everyone stay and get into the nearby shed for protection. Sam and the father, Dean and the uncle break into teams to check out the area. In the house, Dean and the uncle find a secret passageway behind a cabinet and move through the narrow space until Dean finds an ominous hole that he works his way down and discovers the remains of Buster (RIP forever, sweet prince) and some other failed taxidermy projects.

The uncle is slain by the girl shortly thereafter, Dean being unable to get up through the hole in time to save him. Getting back to the shed, Dean is forced to relay the bad news to the family and Jensen Ackles does not in any way downplay how much disappointment and shame Dean clearly feels at being unable to save the uncle, even apologizing. After a dissolve, Sam is reading the daughter's diary while the family tries to comfort each other.

Oh, and someone named "Andy" died, apparently the oldest son of the family. I'd like to care except I don't.

Dean promises to the father that he will be getting Danny back. The father asks him why he cares so much, Sam interjecting before he can answer. Sam's finished the diary and found out that the girl in the walls... is the grandaughter, both the daughter and the granddaughter of Mr. Gibson.

...ewwwwww!

But yes, she's a feral child that has been kept trapped in the house her entire life. Dean points out that Gibson had to have fed her, which gives him an idea. We cut to Danny in the basement apparently with nightvision on the camera. He's been bound and gagged and the girl in the walls comes over to him and tries to feed him a live rat. When he protests, she snaps its neck and digs in herself.

As Danny contemplates the therapy he will need, Dean hacks open the dumbwaiter and heads down into the darkness to save Danny. In the basement, Dean finds a bits and pieces of their hunting kit - including his trusty 1911!

Still wanna know how they knew to look for those in the trunk...

"Mom, quick! Call Melissa Benoist!"
"That show doesn't even exist yet!"
"Aww, damn it!"

Oh, the mother and daughter also get attacked when the wall of the shed gets slammed into by something, namely the girl. Intercut with the next paragraph, the two have to fight her off. They fail (no doubt Helen isn't about to take her out due to kryptonite poisoning) and it seems like it's the end for them. However, something drags her out before she can do too much damage - that something being revealed to be the father, who killed her to save his wife and daughter.

Dean finds Danny and unties him, Danny telling him that they have to leave before "he" gets back. Apparently, the girl has a brother and he and Dean square off while Danny runs to get pulled up by Sam and his father. Dean eventually plugs the guy full of lead, ending him.

Respect to the guy who's name I didn't bother to learn on going full Papa Wolf.

We get the wrap up, the Impala is fixed up and their gear restocked. The family thanks them and they in turn thank them letting them get a headstart on any police that might come in.

Later, at an underpass somewhere, Sam and Dean share a burger and we get the blunt-force version of the parallel the episode was trying to make - Dean in Hell vs. the house kids being similiar. However, Dean drops a bomb that makes things even worse: he liked what he did in Hell. No matter how many people he saves, he can't change that. There's a hole in him now that he will never be able to fill.

...ending the episode on a more depressing note.

...no, seriously, but how did they know to look in the trunk for the-

Family Remains isn't a great episode, but we've also had a string of pretty good ones. It's not bad per se, just an average one. The big twist in it is supposed to be that the girl isn't a ghost... but that doesn't really work seeing as she doesn't do anything ghost-like as we've seen on the show. It's really just a lot of effort for not any real payoff on it. They're just full on Flowers in the Attic: Cannibal Edition.

Also, the addition of a brother for the girl in the walls is odd, too and comes right out of nowhere with no real set up beyond maybe a boy and girl stickfigure drawn in blood on a wall at one point. It felt like an excuse to have two action climaxes, which was ultimately kind of unnecessary.

Next week, we'll be closing up Horror Month 2024's TV reviews with magic, leather, and ominous tides of things to come. Next time, Criss Angel is a Douchebag.

Be there!