From MadCap's Couch - "Sliders: Luck of the Draw"

"There's no such thing as something for nothing, Mr. Brown..."

Imagine a world completely at peace. No poverty. No war. No racial strife. Not a single person in want of anything. It sounds like the idea utopia. However, like many Utopian societies in fiction, there is always a dark and twisted underside to allow the bread and circuses to keep running smoothly for the masses. It'd be something you'd expect to see crafted by a master of the written word such as Rod Serling in a Twilight Zone episode.

Unfortunately, I got stuck seeing it in an episode of Sliders - poor, poor bastard that I am.

We kick off the final episode of Season One with the Sliders sliding into a world just as I've described. Of course, in the beginning they don't know of the second part - otherwise we wouldn't have the very obvious twist that in the latter half of the episode. It's a picture of tranquility - prices are low, cars are available to anyone as public transportation, and a lottery machine that will just give out money! Wow! I can't believe there's really a world that...alright, fine, I'll stop with the sarcasm in regards to the very obvious plot twist that I already spoiled.

We get a voiceover from Wade as she's apparently keeping a journal of the group's experiences...that is never shown or mentioned after this episode...and they're all finding Super Happy Pleasant World to be super, happy, and pleasant. Go figure! And as I described above, the world is indeed a wonderful utopia. And to kick off the plot, the group finds a lottery machine which Arturo inquires about, learning that apparently it does indeed give free money and the more someone uses it  the more chances they have to win.

Arturo warns the group that there's no such thing as something for nothing, but they are not dissuaded. Nonetheless, Arturo takes measly five dollars while Wade gets one thousand dollars and Rembrandt pulls a cool 5K. As they leave, one of the pedestrians passing by notes how he admires those high rollers...maybe they rest in peace...

...because that's not ominous at all.

"What're you doing, Quinn?" "Looking for some cheese for your whine..."

So after the title sequence, the Sliders have gotten themselves a picnic basket and are enjoying the beautiful Rocking Horse world before it cracks and they see the rotten core within. In Golden Gate Park (or what is made up for us to believe as Golden Gate Park  because Canada), Quinn gets some exposition from a magazine about how there's only five hundred million people in the entire world, Arturo theorizing that having ten percent of the population of their Earth is likely why things are so idyllic on this Earth.

Ignoring the very first red flag that admittedly anyone could have missed seeing pop up, Quinn and Wade decide to go horseback riding while Arturo and Rembrandt take up the ancient and noble sport of fishing. The fishing is a bit of comedic filler while more depth and time is given to Wade and Quinn's horseback riding...where Quinn hits his head on a branch and gets knocked off his horse. Rather than, say, take Quinn to a hospital for the concussion he likely has, Wade decides to treat the wound and they have a little flirty moment while resting against a log.

In what is a rather good scene, Wade expresses the thought that they might stay here in this San Francisco since they may never truly get home and it would be better to be stuck somewhere they know is good instead of somewhere terrible like some of the worlds. While Quinn tries to refute this, saying that she can't just want to stay here after one day and some pretty scenery, but she just drops the subject out of irritation. It's very clear that, although she greatly misses home, she'll be happy to take something almost as good.

Later on, the Sliders gather around the Almighty TV of Exposition, with a news report about the President attending the reopening of the Thomas Malthus Center for Sexual Ethics and Education. Arturo gets a bit to explain who Thomas Malthus is and the man's theory on the relationship between population growth and available resources.

...go Google him, you can't expect me to do all the work for you.

We get a funny scene of Rembrandt and Arturo's catches having been made into dinner before the Lottery comes on and they go through the raffle of contestants, selecting twelve who will not only get a  five million dollar prize but will also get a "White Card" which apparently will get them anything their heart desires. And because the Sliders having a nice, leisurely time for the next two days would be rather boring and cost money - the plot kicks in and Wade is selected as one of the Big Winners.

And much like the winners of Silver Shamrock's big giveaway circa 1982, I'm sure that Wade will get everything her heart desires and more.

The group is taken by limo and are given an extended explanation of what Wade will be going through...minus the fact that they're going to kill her. Apparently, the White Card is a "Screw the rules, I have money!" card and Wade only has to show it to a shopkeeper and she can have anything her heart desires. Rather surprisingly, this raises a red flag for nobody for Quinn, who when told it is a "thank you" from merchants bothers to ask "for what?" And, of course - since the twist can't be revealed - he is told that it's simply for playing the Lottery.

What follows is a montage that is practically begging for "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" to be played over it as we get scenic shots of San Francisco shops (or rather, what we're supposed to think are San Francisco shops, because Canada) intercut with scenes of Wade and the gang at various shops before coming to a dress shop where several models - male and female - are modeling a collection for her. However Quinn is less than impressed  and one of the other winners has come to join their merry group, Rembrandt taking an out of nowhere shine to her.

Quinn gives up his chair to her and steps out to be pursued by Wade. He brings up the very rightful notion that none of this adds up - as Arturo put it in the beginning of the episode, there's no such thing as something for nothing. However, due to Wade (and everyone else who isn't Quinn having the Idiot Ball for this episode), she believes that Quinn's just worried that she'll stick around on this Earth...and for some stupid reason he doesn't try to talk sense to her.

That evening, the Winner's Ball is in full swing. Though Arturo notices that security is rather tight for such a gathering, nobody questions when Rembrandt's date - Julianne - claims it's to protect them from the "right to lifers", More on that later, but as for the current moment everyone heads out to dance save for Wade, who gets pulled aside by the Lottery Announcer to sign some forms that - in spite of being designated as "next of kin" and "beneficiaries" word for word - don't raise any alarm bells with Wade.

This afternoon, he abused Discount Kate Winslet, Wade. Seriously.

That could be, of course, because Wade falls for the charms of discount Billy Zane from Titanic. And yes, I'm aware he actually has a name, but I'm still going to call him Discount Billy Zane. Billy is another winner who Wade apparently falls right for the charms of and forgets all about her minor squabble with Quinn (for the moment) and goes to dance.

Rembrandt and Julianne share a moment on the dance floor. They're getting all lovey dovey when Julianne drops the bombshell that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him...Rembrandt thinking there's something more there and not knowing the fact that she'll be dead in the morning.

So yes, after one dance, Rembrandt has fallen in love. Because the plot says so.

Cue clip from Frozen here.

Back in the land of the not so ritzy, Quinn is loaded down with books when he's accosted by a priest who is one of the "Right to Lifers" mentioned earlier who gives him a pamphlet about stopping the Lottery...whereupon the writer finally allows Quinn to catch up with the big twist that the audience has already figured out by now. He rushes to go in and save Wade.

While Rembrandt gets himself a little of the strange just off the dance floor, Wade and Billy have discussion about poetry and their respective lives and the goals they wanted to achieve. Apparently, Billy - among other things - paddled the Amazon and climbed Mount Everest, deciding that there was nothing left but the Lottery after that. And, of course, Wade takes this to mean winning it on their world and so isn't remotely concerned about asking any questions in spite of his ominous tone.

"No, you don't understand, I'm on the list! ...Jerry O'Connell? I was in Stand By Me, damn it!"

Arturo and the Lottery Man have a discussion where Arturo waxes about the positives of this world, though the Lottery Man calls himself a hypocrite because he's afraid of death. Arturo doesn't quite catch his meaning but because the writers don't think the audience has caught onto their incredibly subtle foreshadowing, Quinn rushes in to spill the beans after dealing with security.

And the beans he does spill telling Arturo that the Lottery is indeed not all sunshine and rainbows as they've been told - it's a form of population control. Also - Soylent Green is people, Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze, and Rosebud was his sled. But the fact remains that Wade will die the next morning unless they're able to get her out of there on the Slide.

They inform Rembrandt and Wade as well, the former of which suggesting that the Right to Lifers are maybe just crackpots and the whole thing isn't a mass genocide. Quinn brings up that they're all Nobel prize winners and philosophers...and I'm almost sure we had an episode this very season about intellectualism and good morals not necessarily being in the same camp, though in this particular episode Quinn happens to be right.

Quinn plans to jailbreak Wade and run to the hills (and for her life), but they can't - Wade's every move is being shadowed until the party later that night. As she heads off to dance with Billy, Rembrandt asks if he can bring someone along. Quinn explains that bringing someone else might put a strain on the already on the fritz timer, but he'll see what he can do.

"I know what you are." "Say it...say it out loud." "...a Slider..."

Afterwards, Quinn and Arturo share a drink at the hotel lounge and wax philosophic about the Lottery. Quinn sees it as barbaric, as does Arturo from a moralistic standpoint. However, he notes that millions die every year on their Earth through war, famine, and disease caused in part by a lack of population control. Here, people can volunteer to die and their beneficiaries will be richly compensated for it. Morally it's highly questionable, but one can't argue with the results: a generally happy and safe populace.

Meanwhile, the winners have their toast and both Wade and Rembrandt meet with their respective love interests to tell them about the potential escape plan. Rembrandt tells Julianne that he sees a future with her, but she takes it to mean he wants to die with her. After their discussion that apparently takes place offscreen, he calls up Quinn in their room to tell him that she's apparently completely onboard with the plan of leaving. She claims to have gone upstairs to pack...and if you're seeing where this is going, then you don't need eyeglasses.

Meanwhile, Wade and Billy take a stroll through the garden and discuss her relationship with Quinn and share an awkward kiss before Wade decides to go for broke and tell him about the Slide. As it turns out, however, subverting the Lottery gets you a slow, painful death. There's also a Lottery Police that enforces things, and sirens dictate that they're on their way. Though Wade offers to take him along with them on the slide, Billy - as predicted - wants nothing to do with any of this and heads off as the cops arrive.

Up at Julianne's room, Rembrandt learns the harsh lesson that evil will always triumph because good is dumb as he walks into a trap set by the fuzz. Julianne has apparently called the cops who are none too happy with him even talking of subverting. Apparently, Julianne believes he's off his nut and thinks he needs help. Which, admittedly, is one of the first times we've seen someone have a rational reaction to what the Sliders have told them. But instead of dragging him away to a dark, cold cell somewhere, Julianne wants the pair of them to die together.

...Death is not a form of psychological therapy, lady! What are you, a Scientologist?!

Quinn and Arturo are just now hearing the sirens with the plot needing to go into the "Last Ten Minutes" mode. With the Slide getting closer, they decide to go out and retrieve Wade and Rembrandt.

Meanwhile, Julianne is prepared for another slide - this time into the Great Beyond. Rembrandt is brought in by the cops at her request and she speaks about how Rembrandt is afraid of death and she wants him to not be afraid. Apparently "fear is what kills, love is forever."

Wow...all the depth of Twilight.

To emphasize her point, Julianne downs a vial of poison and dies with Rembrandt holding her hand. It's a scene that's supposed to be dramatic and sad and it just doesn't come across as that for reasons I'll get into in a minute. Needless to say, before her corpse is even cold the cops drag him off to be processed - that is tortured until death for subverting the system.

"I didn't break the law! I AM THE LAW!!!!"

Now firmly past the ten minutes to go mark, Wade returns to the room telling Arturo that they "need to walk the dog" (the first creature they encountered was a dog at the beginning of the episode that Wade took a liking to) and gestures that the room might be bugged. Outside, they learn of Rembrandt's arrest and arrive in time to see him dragged out. Surprisingly, Wade doesn't try to use her status as a Winner in order to protect him for just a bit longer because...reasons?

Quinn arrives and thinks Billy Zane sold them out, but Quinn knows where they're taking Rembrandt so he and Arturo go - reasoning that Wade needs to stay so they don't think she's trying to escape.

Rembrandt gets a scene in the back of a prison van going off on a video recording. Apparently the man on the recording somehow knows what happens right before reaching the Great Beyond but not what the end result is. If they know more on this world, why don't they know more? What sort of religion exists on this world? Arturo's comments earlier Thomas Malthus point to their being at least some form of Christianity, but what of other religions? And what is the dominate religion here? These questions are neither explained nor approached and it doesn't matter because we have the last five minutes to go.

At the Processing Center, the Right to Lifers have gathered en masse to protest. Quinn and Arturo show up and Quinn's fortune cookie quotations from "The Prince of Wails" help to stir the already enraged crowd to attack the van and Rembrandt is freed, their escape cut short in their vehicle presumably because of budget (presumably the same reason why a SWAT team doesn't show up to deal with the protesters) and they crash into another car. Miraculously, none of them are phased by it and hightail it out of there on their unmolested limbs.

Back at Casa di Killin' Folk, Wade is hiding in the ballroom with the dog when its barking attracts the Lottery Man and one of the guards who somehow immediately know that Wade is hiding in there. Rather than doing the smart thing and letting the dog go so that they might think the dog had just been trapped in there by mistake, Wade lets herself get captured. However, it's Billy to the rescue as he takes out the guard and then the Announcer with a fire extinguisher to the face!

Apparently, he is actually completely on board with getting the hell out of here.

With less than a minute to go, Quinn and company arrive and Quinn pulls a The Graduate on a door to aid in their escape. Wade opens the vortex and they head through one by one until only Quinn and Billy remain. He urges Billy through just as the door gets broken one. A guard manages to fire off a shot at Quinn before he escapes into the vortex and it seals behind him...leading to the group emerging in a bright, sunny field. All seems well...until Quinn collapses. Touching his back, Wade withdraws her hands to reveal there's blood on them...despite the fact we saw a shot of him from behind as he left the Vortex and there was not a single sign of an entry wound.

The episode, and season one, closes out with Wade getting a big, hammy "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" and the credits roll.

I won't sugar coat it, this really isn't a great episode. It's not even a good episode. It's certainly not the worse we've seen yet - and trust me there are plenty, plenty more to come - but as an individual unit it has way too many glaring flaws.

"HACK THE PLANET! HACK THE PLANET!"

The first, and probably the biggest one is the liberal use of the Idiot Ball. The Idiot Ball, for the uninitiated, is a plot device where a character is stupid or ignorant of something for the sake of a plot and is very, very rarely ever used in any way that makes sense. The Sliders are not familiar with this world and, while they don't want to draw too much attention to themselves by seeming out of place, they don't even ask the most rudimentary questions about where they are and how things work.

This in particular comes up with the Lottery. The only person to have any suspicions aroused before the big twist is Quinn. Now, I would make a joke that it doesn't take a physics student to see when something is not okay with the utopia, but one of the people here is a Nobel laureate physics professor. But even Wade and Rembrandt could have very easily asked basic questions in certain situations. A big example of this is that no one, and I mean no one (even Quinn), bothers to ask who the Right to Lifers are or what they stand for.

When they ask about the Lottery and why the White Card can get Wade anything she wants, apparently being told "it's a thank you for playing the lottery" has an ever-so-sinister edge to it but nobody calls the Lottery Man out on it or does any follow up questions that a normal person would do just out of habit. Even though Arturo did say in the beginning that there's no such thing as something for nothing (word for word, in fact), he says nothing either and is as shocked as everyone but the audience when the twist comes up.

Now does that mean I expect the people of the Earth their on to just come out and tell them everything? Of course not, because they believe the Sliders to be from their world and so they'd assume that that would be common knowledge to them. But the point is that the Sliders are supposed to be observing and learning about the cultures that they visit whilst trying to get home, and that involves being curious and asking questions...which they don't really do here. And the only reason that they don't is because the writers think their being so incredibly clever with their "subtlety" and don't realize that the audience can pick up context clues.

I also heavily criticize Rembrandt's "romance" with Julianne. I also criticized his romance in "The Weaker Sex", but that was played for comedy (or, at least, that's what was intended) whereas this is supposed to be completely serious and dramatic. Giving Cleavant Derricks his due, scenes where Rembrandt puts aside his want of fame and fortune and actually has some moments with gravitas are awesome. The problem is that there's no real reason for this. Sadness at a human life's loss? Sure. But proclaiming your love for a woman after dancing with her once and thinking you have some sort of future together? He's known her for all of one day. One. Day. Completely ridiculous, even for this show.

And while it doesn't have to do with Rembrandt, this is something that I will be heavily criticizing in later seasons...but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I also still have so many questions about how religions work on this Earth. Being that the Lottery is a form of population control and we know that Christianity existed in some form on this world, I wonder that - if that religion still exists (which it does seeing as one of the Right to Lifers is dressed as a priest) - is "thou shall not kill" restricted more to a vague guideline than an actual commandment. And what about other religions? It's clear that the people of this Earth believe in an afterlife - but do the volunteers get a free pass into Heaven for their sacrifice or what?

And I'm sure there are plenty of other questions that could be brought up about this entire thing. But the episode doesn't even dip a toe into the pool of addressing them.

If you wanna see this story done way way better, read "The Lottery" by Shirley Jackson. It's a story that's very similar to this one, but lacking in any of the extra baggage or pretentiousness that this episode drowns itself in. Not a good episode and, even with the cliffhanging bringing in a nice bookend for the cliffhanger in the Pilot episode's first part, not a great place to end the first Season. Of course, this was a season of only nine episodes. It's still early days for the fledgling series, so perhaps they need a little more time.

Come back soon when we see if they improve in Season Two...

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