By that same token, by the time this review comes out, maybe he'll have been sacked and an actual showrunner will be put in place by the BBC, so let's cross our fingers, huh?
...as long as I'm wishing, I'd like to skip this episode, please?
...
...fine.
Voyage of the Damned is the Christmas special for 2007 and it's really not good. Picking up from the end of The Last of the Time Lords (or Time Crash if you wanna go there), the bow of the Titanic has found it's way into the TARDIS via Russell T. Davies not remembering how the TARDIS works. To refresh your memory, the inside of the TARDIS...isn't actually in the TARDIS. Here, I'll let Tom Baker explain:
See?
The inside and the outside aren't in the same place. If anything, the Titanic should have just broken through the wall of an empty police box floating through space.
Regardless, because of the Doctor is the Doctor, the Doctor throws a few switches and pushes the Tittanic right back out. Materializing onboard, he discovers what gives for the sudden intrusion. He's actually onboard the Titanic...in SPACE! Apparently, a bunch of aliens have modified a cruise liner to resemble the actual Titanic from Earth history and are in orbit around the planet for Christmas!
...y'know, because...sure...why not?
Immediately I have several questions, the first among them being: why? We find out later in the episode that the entire thing is a scheme to screw over the board of directors for the cruise company, which explains why the ship is here...but not...literally everything else about it. For example. Why the Titanic? Why does everyone (who are all supposedly aliens) among the crew talk and act like sailors from the actual era that the actual Titanic existed in? How do they know what brandy is? Why does the captain have a revolver instead of some kind of high-tech super weapon?
This is basically a cross-section of what it's like to be in my head, by the way. I remember when I used to be able to just enjoy things, I really do.
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| "It was just supposed to be a three hour tour! A three hour tour!" |
After a wardrobe change, the Doctor meets Astrid Peth, played by Australian pop star Kylie Minogue - who the Doctor quoted back in The Idiot's Lantern for the New Series' first shot at an Actor Paradox (as far as I know). He reveals that he's a stowaway and puts on the usual charm. She, in turn, tells the Doctor that they're there from the planet Sto and the rich passengers aboard have come to observe Christmas. She decides not to rat him out as a stowaway because he's David Tennant and, honestly, you wouldn't either and you know it.
In short order, the Doctor also meets the "iconic monster" for the episode - the Host. They're robotic angels...for some reason. I feel like this was almost an attempt by Russell to take a jab at Steven Moffat for the Weeping Angels and really not succeeding at all. It's not even that they're that bad of an idea, they're just fairly generic clearly evil robots with a mildly festive design. Naturally, as you'd expected, one of them malfunctions while speaking and has to be taken away for repairs. I'm sure the foreshadowing is so subtle right now that you would have never known had I not pointed it out.
Meanwhile, on the bridge, the captain excuses his men off for a drink...no, seriously, my complaint earlier actually does happen...and is joined by none other than George from Being Human! Yes, actor Russell Tovey plays Midshipman Alonzo Frame. He, having a strong sense of duty, reminds the captain that two men must be on deck at all times. The captain commends him for this, though it is very clear that something is very wrong with the man.
The Doctor befriends a couple who got tickets from a contest and show up in garish purple outfits that are "fancy dress" (according to what they were mockingly told). Again, seeing as they're all aliens, what do they know of Earth fancy dress? Also, just to go ahead and get this out of the way - the joke is that they're both obese.
That's it. Classy, Russell!
Regardless, the couple - husband and wife Morvin and Foon - are called up into one of the groups that will be going down to the Earth. The Doctor decides to join them, even bringing Astrid along via the use of the psychic paper because of her earlier expression of wanting to travel to new worlds. Here we find one of the few delights to be found in this episode - Mr. Copper, played by Clive Swift, one of the actors to appear in both Classic and Revived Doctor Who. Copper has a "first-class degree in Earthonomics", but every single detail he shares about Christmas and the traditions there-in is either heavily muddled or outright wrong and it is, incidentally, hilarious.
If we'd seen more of this, I might not have so many problems with how this episode is set up.
When they are joined by a diminutive red alien with spikes all over his head, the Doctor expresses some concerns about an alien wandering around London without a disguise. His worries are proven pointless when they teleport down and find the streets of London to be empty because paying extras costs money. Actually, we do find out an in-universe answer from one of the other few delights in to be found in this episode - Wilfred Mott, played by Bernard Cribbins. Wilfred is one of my favorite companions on the show, though he won't be a companion for quite some time. More on that a little bit later.
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| Kylie Minogue actually is pretty okay in this. |
In what I can only assume is Russell having a rare moment of self-awareness and taking the piss out of himself, Wilfred explains to the Doctor and company that people aren't in London because the last few years have proven that London at Christmas is a death trap. It's oddly meta for Russell's era if it isn't him poking fun at his writing and how every Christmas special thus far seems to be taking place in London and with an alien invasion. To this point, however, it seems that only Wilfred and the Queen herself remain to stand vigil over the city.
...I mean, it's not like London is particularly big and I'm sure everyone could manage to get away for Christmas regardless of financial situation.
Seems legit.
A power failure brings the crew back to the ship, because the plot needs to get going. Them disappearing in front of Wilfred is a great little bit, I will say. The Doctor does some poking around with the computer and finds that the shields are offline...and several meteors are heading straight for the ship. He attempts to warn the passengers and crew, but gets shuttled away by a steward. The commotion does get one passenger to look to the window just in time to see a small meteor coming through it...and the ship is almost immediately pummeled by a chorus of them.
This kills off most of the passengers and crew save for those already established and the newcomer, a businessman name of Rickston Slade. On the bridge, just before the strike, Midshipman Frame is shot by the captain. The captain had apparently already been dying and so took a job to crash the Titanic into Earth.
The Doctor has the Russell T. Davies requisite "I am so friggin' awesome" speech that seems awe-inspiring and neat until you think about it for more than five seconds, and the TARDIS falls to Earth because it apparently locks on to the nearest source of gravity...which should be the ship, but physics and Doctor Who are like oil and potato salad. In this time, by the way, the Host have gone haywire and are killing off all the remaining passengers...which also means our little band of misfits. The Doctor manages to get in touch with Frame and they make a plan to get to the bridge of the ship. We also get the reveal that Mr. Copper is a fraud in a very humanizing moment.
Also, Slade is a dick to Morvin and Foon. Because they're fat. Literally, again, that's the only joke.
Also also, we get the reveal that Bannakaflatta (the little red guy) is a cyborg. This will be important literally for one scene later on. It is also, ironically, his last one.
Morvin and Foon reactivate one of the Host that proceeds to pull a T-1000 on them. They manage to escape and Mr. Copper crushes it's head with rubble. Sadly, there are others. Morvin gets killed by gravity before they arrive, however, much to the distress of Foon. Just after this, we get the reveal that the Host can actually fly.
...again, I ask...why? They're information robots. Was programming in the ability to fly really that important? Regardless, they aren't a problem for too long, because Bannakaflatta uses an EMP that he has in his cyborg body (for some reason) to disable them. He dies, having Astrid take it to use as a weapon against the Host. However, to further the Terminator reference, a single Host survived the slaughter and prepares to kill the Doctor. After he manages to grill it for information by sheer dumb luck, he finds out the Host are being controlled from Deck 31. Foon then kills the Host by wrapping it up in a cable and falling into the nuclear engines with it.
So the two people who were used because "Heh heh, fat people are funny!" have literally burned to death in nuclear fire. Again, classy!
The Doctor, of course, heads off to finish this once and for all...and gets locked up in the kitchen for his trouble. Not the security kitchen, mind you...but that would have been a nice throwback. No, instead, he reveals his stowaway status to the Host and gets them to "take [him] to [their] leader". Anyway, we get the reveal here that Max Capricorn - the head of the cruise liner company who had been showing up in "cutesy" adverts with a twinkling tooth - wanted to crash the Titanic in order to get back at the board of directors. They'll be charged with mass murder and he'll retire to live in luxury for the rest of his apparently cyborg life seeing as he's essentially Mecha Hitler from Wolfenstein 3-D.
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| "SHE TRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIED TO KILL ME WITH A FORKLIFT!" |
Astrid shows up and uses a forklift to knock Max Capricorn off and into the nuclear engines...apparently forgetting that the momentum would carry the forklift over the side with Max and forgetting to jump off. Also, she's Kylie Minogue and wasn't going to be a companion anyway. She dies. The Doctor then...
...sorry, I have to prepare myself for what I'm about to type here.
...
...
...
...
. . .yeah, sorry, one second.
...okay. . .
...okay, I think I can do this.
The Doctor...snaps his fingers, and the Host somehow come under his control. They raise him up from Deck 31 all the way to the bridge with no stops...somehow...despite that there clearly supposed to be at least thirty decks between the engine room and the bridge (it's in the name Deck 31) and crashes right into the bridge to meet Frame in person for the first time.
Why did this happen? Because the Doctor is now the highest authority on the ship. As someone who is a computer science student at the time of this writing...what the hell were the robots coded in that the Doctor could take control of them? Stupid++? Or are they just running Windows 10? Sure, let's go with that.
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| Oh, look! Psychic Jesus has Angels! |
And, incidentally, a Happy Christmas to all of you at home!
. . .sorry. Force of habit.
In the end, with the ship back in space, only the Doctor, Mr. Copper, Slade, and Frame remain alive. The Doctor realizes that Astrid was wearing a teleport bracelet and tries to use it to bring her back, but it's not enough. After kissing her (yes, they kissed earlier, but it's the usual Russell forced romantic nonsense that is really only for the trailer), the Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to send what remains of her consciousness out into the universe to explore it...forever. I'm kind of iffy on this one, as she did express a desire to go travel and see the universe...but it's kind of a monkey's paw and the Doctor's sort of a dick for not asking her...not that he really could at this point.
Slade goes off to be rich, Mr. Copper having a short speech to the Doctor about not being the one who decides who lives and who dies, and the Doctor takes him to Earth. It appears that the ship's expense card, which Copper had from earlier, is overloaded with a million pounds. I don't understand British currency, but I assume that's a lot and the Doctor agrees. Mr. Copper is happy to finally be able to have a little house and a garden. He bids the Doctor a fond farewell, and the Doctor departs for parts unknown.
As you can see from my carefully reasoned critique, Voyage of the Damned is a bit of a mess. It really exemplifies some of the greatest non-Rose related excesses of the Russell T. Davies era, with flair and flash put front and center without even the slightest thought towards function or practicality. The plot is ridiculous, there is literally no reason for Max Capricorn to be there besides giving the Doctor a physical villain to fight, and I've mentioned the logic problems with the aliens and how much they do or don't know about Earth culture.
There's also a rather astounding scene where Russell T. Davies makes JESUS CHRIST canon in the world of Doctor Who. Although, knowing the Doctor Who, he's probably going to end up having been some sort of alien despot seeking to return to his home.
...I might still have Highlander II on the brain. This shares the same level of just not getting it.
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| "Joke's on you, I get to get a name drop later!" |
It's really only good if you lose enough of your IQ points to get down to "ooooh, pretty colors!" level. It's engaging, sure, but you'll forget about it almost immediately after you view it. I know I certainly did.
Next time we return to Doctor Who, we'll see the (re-)emergence of my favorite female companion of the Russell T. Davies era. We'll also see people made of fat...and the return of Rose Tyler.
Series 4! It's on!
However, as we move into 2021 (and let us hope that indeed this year will be better than the last!), we will be leaving the TARDIS to hop back into the Impala with the brothers Winchester. After six years...it's time to finally finish what I began and bring Season 1 of Supernatural to a close.
See you then!
Doctor Who is the property of the British Broadcasting Corporation.
For the latest from the MadCapMunchkin, be sure to follow him on Twitter @MadCapMunchkin.
Doctor Who is the property of the British Broadcasting Corporation.
For the latest from the MadCapMunchkin, be sure to follow him on Twitter @MadCapMunchkin.
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