MadCap's Game Reviews - "Final Fantasy XV"

So, I have danced with the Devil and committed the unbearable sin of playing a Final Fantasy game. Why? Because I was honestly feeling cocky and figured I could handle it. Alas, the game has changed and yet feels so much the same.

I spent a tutorial and then about five minutes learning that apparently anime Satan was a big threat to to Techno-Medieval Fantasy Kingdom #5306 before I spent about ten minutes pushing a car through a desert.

No, I'm serious. Pushing a car through a desert.



At the very least, I had my collection of My Chemical Romance roadies with me, who were filled to the brim with...actually, sitting down here, I'm having a hard time really remembering any of them that much. Needless to say, their blandness did not help me as I made my way down the highway...very, very slowly...pressing forward on the left joy stick for what felt like an eternity as I narrowly avoided other cars that swerved to avoid me, but then just decided to allow them to run me over in the vague hope that this would all be over shortly.  No such luck, alas.

And then, at the end of that road, I came to a gas station and received the gift of ripe, luscious breasts for my efforts. Shame then that I could not really enjoy said sex appeal (not that I would anyway, since animated) what with my incredible cramped hand. Seriously, Square, if you are going to do this to me, don't be an ass about it.

Combat is a little bit coconut and banana sandwich crazy as well. Not the turn-based system of older FF games, we're in full on real-time now, baby! Woohoo...except it just feels really out of place, being that most of the games before have used turn-based. I should be the last one to complain about this, given my own long-standing dislike of turn-based combat with one notable exception, but even I know when you don't mess with something that works.

Here, there's really no involvement in combat. Sure, the player can do blocks and the like, but it ultimately comes down to be better equipped and having reaction times that are a little bit better than that of a can of paint and you ought to be alright. You also don't control your boyband, though you can give them commands via certain options and use your combined strength to hit enemies.

Also, there's magic and summons. They work pretty much the same as they do in previous FF games with some tweaking. La de da.

Not much to say, in all honesty. I haven't completed it at the time of this writing (deadlines are hard, people), but I have basically seen enough to spew my irate opinions on the internet, so that counts for something. Or not. I don't care one way or another.

Now excuse me while I go get some Bengay.

...stop laughing!

Final Fantasy XV is now available on Playstation 4 and Xbox One from Square Enix.

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