Like...really bad.
Like seriously, this is as bad as bad gets and adding another suitcase full of bad. And I've reviewed Rob Zombie's Nonsensical Band Product Placement And Pretentious Story-Telling Movie, so I know bad. This is almost universally considered the worst of the worst as far as Star Wars goes - unless you're George Lucas, and then it's the Holiday Special - but does it really deserve the reputation that it holds? Is it really an irredeemable pile of waste that should have been laughed off of any writer's table? Does it have a script that the people who make Syfy Original Movies would be utterly ashamed to wipe their asses with, much less even greenlight? Is it a terrible waste of the talents of Ewan McGregor and Natalie Portman, as well as countless others in a sea of mediocre directing?
...um, yes...yes it is. To be so completely succinct about it.
To get to the plot, such as it is, it's ten years since the not as bad but still pretty bad film and there is some more politics we don't care about that basically equate to a civil war in the Galaxy...kind of like that thing they did in the original trilogy, but without all the boring talking and debating about it before it actually happened. Now-Senator Padme Amidala (a returning Natalie Portman) is nearly assassinated and is assigned two Jedi protectors: Obi-Wan Kenobi (McGregor) and his padawan a now 19 year old Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen).
And boy, let's talk about what a bad choice this was. I've heard that he's improved since and has done better in better films with better direction (Lucas is the root cause of virtually every problem with the prequels) but good lord he should have been laughed out from the screen test if this was him bringing his A-Game. And not to short change the guy, he's actually pretty good when he keeps his mouth shut (see Episode III next week), but the problem in this film is that he never shuts up!
Seriously, the guy's got the cheese and ham to go with the whine.
But as the plot goes on, we learn that the Separatist movement in the galaxy is headed up by Count Dooku (Christopher Lee, whose talents are wasted here among many others), a former Jedi who has fallen in with the Sith Lord Sidious/Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid) who is very clearly still evil but nobody can tell because they're complete morons. And also, clones got involved at some point because Sidious wanted an army.
And I could go on for days about how it doesn't really make sense and how if it were remotely realistic that Palpatine would have been shut down so hard by this. But then, government is corrupt anyway as we know and he never would have been able to do any of it without the help of his good friend Jar Jar Binks.
That's right. The freaking Gungan happily handed over emergency powers to Palpatine and thus allowed the Clone Wars to happen. So every single death that happened in the Clone Wars, the Great Jedi Purge, and in the Galactic Civil War that followed them lies squarely on his fish man shoulders.
Nice job fixing it, dumbass.
But that's not really what people take issue with. Oh, no...it's the romance. Ah, yes, romance. When it's done well, you have a sweeping epic that pulls at the heartstrings and takes the viewer from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. When it's done poorly, you have the Doctor and Rose Tyler. And when it's done really, really poorly, you have Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala.
Now, this may just be chalked up to the direction of Lucas and I know it had to be done at some point, but Christensen and Portman have no chemistry. At all. Whatsoever. It's just absolutely atrocious and the worst part is that it's not even the relationship of Anakin's that we should be focusing on. Rather than focus on the bond between Anakin and Obi-Wan, it focuses on the forbidden love between Anakin and Padme that is supposed to be deep and tragic and hopeless but, because of the aforementioned (lack of) chemistry, just makes us all want to vomit from the sheer unlikeability of it.
Which, again, is not helped by either Portman (who is wasted in this and the other prequel films) or Christensen (with his aforementioned whiny voice in need of cheese to go with it). They are given bad direction with it, and dialogue that is to this day still being mocked by everyone from moviegoers to film critics. When first year film students are able to write better dialogue than you, George, it's time to stop and hand the reins over to someone who knows what in the hell they were doing.
And if you want a good comparison, just wait until we get to Empire Strikes Back. I'll have a tirade to go on.
So in summation: yes, this is one of the worst things related to Star Wars that has ever been produced, if not the worst. George Lucas has said before that he's personally ashamed of the Star Wars Holiday Special of 1978. The fact is this should be something you're wholly and completely ashamed of, George. Bad writing, bad acting, bad direction. Just all around bad.
Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones is now available from Lucasfilms and 20th Century Fox.
For the latest from the MadCapMunchkin, be sure to follow him on Twitter @MadCapMunchkin.
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