MadCap's Game Reviews - "Polybius"

Oh, yes! It's time has finally come!

I mean, I'm assuming anyway. So, here's something that I'm pretty sure I've covered before - I wasn't around for the big heyday of the arcades. So, when the gas station near my home suddenly had an arcade cabinet pop up literally out of nowhere. Even the guy at the counter said it was here when he'd come in. Kinda weird, but whatever, I'm all about trying out something relatively new. After all, what's the worst that can happen, right?

So, you see the title screen there before you. Apparently this game is so friggin' old, but I haven't been able to find a single trace of it online, which I found odd. Usually, people who grew up in the 1980's can't stop talking about popular games that they enjoyed in their youth. What attracted me right away was the name of the company, which seems to be a lot of Quatsch, but is apparently actually a German word meaning [REDACTED].

I slipped in my four quarters (seriously $1.00 for a single round? It's not like I'm paying for gas or something) and got to work. Polybius wastes no time, getting you right in with a shooter sequence very similar to [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] (neither of which I've played, but I have seen people play and know of by reputation). Wave after wave of enemy starts after your small vessel, which only occupies like...1/26th of the screen at the very bottom with the images flickering in and out of existence to give the illusion of actual movement. The controls are reminiscent of [REDACTED], which is weird seeing as this supposedly came out before that did.

Remember these? Yeah, they sucked, didn't they?

It's like the old Tyger Electronic handhelds games, but like... good.

I know, right? It's a weird concept to muster.

Your ship, a small craft that looks like a reskinned ship from Galaga (which, since they supposedly came out in the same year, isn't too much of a surprise), only takes up like 1/26th of the screen at the very bottom and I could have sworn there was more to it than that, but... I can't seem to remember... oh, right, the level progression! Polybius seems to be split into at least four tiers, although I couldn't get past the third one. Early on, the enemy ships are generally pretty slow and their attacks are weak - in particular during the first stage where enemy shots are not only slow, but it takes three direct hits to blow up your ship - but they become progressively faster and more destructive as time goes on. By the third level, they're moving at surprising speed for something done in the 8-bit era, and their attacks start becoming burst explosions that are very difficult to avoid and kill you in one hit.

Honestly, I wish there was more I could tell you, but I've got nothing else on this one. Polybius is an absolutely insanely hard game... and I love it! I seriously have laid awake at night, knowing it's too early to head down to the gas station to take another stab at it. It's so simple and yet... yet...

...okay, I've gone far enough into this that I'm pretty sure that the government's software for searching won't hit on this right away. Spread it around, hopefully others can be warned. The Polybius cabinet is some kind of government psy op. I've seen people literally waste entire paychecks playing it, some of them very violently reacting to getting pulled away from the machine if someone tries. People who play it seem to exhibit increased levels of [REDACTED], [REDACTED], and [REDACTED]. [REDACTED] are very common among people who play it for prolonged periods of time.

The worst part is, some guys in black suits and sunglasses keep showing up and connecting some kind of device to the back of the box. There is something going on here, and I know it needs to be stopped. But I can't do it alone.

I'm sending this review out in the hope that someone will know something and can get the information to the proper authorities. Polybius is not what it appears to be. Something is very, very wrong. If you're reading this, then you must [REDACTED]. Contact me at [REDACTED]. I'm going dark, but hopefully you'll be able to do what needs to be done. I have to disappear.

... oh.

Oh, God.

They're knocking at my door!

THEY'VE FOUND ME!!!!

OH GO-[REDACTED]

... huh? What? Okay, that was weird. Polybius? What the hell is that? Why would I type out all this? And with so many redactions as well? I really ought to remember to delete this before it's set to post on April 1. I wouldn't want anyone to take this seriously, am I right?

APRIL FOOLS!