From MadCap's Couch - "Sliders: In Dino Veritas"

With those tossed salads and scrambled raptor eggs...they're callin' again...

Who doesn't love a good dinosaur story? I remember the first Jurassic Park fondly from my childhood, growing up in the 90s being an awesome time for dinosaurs (see also: Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers).  And what with Jurassic World already out at the time of writing this (doesn't matter, had review), there couldn't be a better time for me to get back into the realm of the dinosaur.

...y'know...except a month ago. When Jurassic World actually came out...

...

...anyway, let's get the ball rolling.

We begin with Arturo and Quinn waiting in a park for Wade and Rembrandt. The Crying Man has hooked himself up with a foxy lady that he is apparently incapable of lying to - because everyone on this world is equipped with one of those bomb collars from The Running Man with a thankfully added difference, even the tiniest of white lies gets you an electric shock. This comes back to bite Wade, however, when her inability to lie brings up the greatest foe the Sliders have yet faced...the media! They roll up in a van, coming to witness the oncoming Slide and have intimate knowledge of the group thanks to Wade's electroshock therapy.

But leaving the snarky news reporter and his camera man behind, the group slide through the vortex...and Wade gets her hands into some scrambled eggs. Or rather she makes some as she falls right into a nest of them upon leaving the vortex. She's squicked, but they're quick to note that this is unlike any San Francisco they have been in yet. In fact, it's a forest that seemingly goes on forever. Quinn theorizes that it could be a park, backed up by the fact that they can hear no urban noise or see any cityscape.

The first look at a familiar dinosaur...sadly not our last...

Before they can ponder the meaning of the lack of a city further, they hear a beastial roar from within the foliage and decide to start running off in a random direction. Through the trees, we get our first glimpse of the Tyrannosaurus Rex just before the opening title sequence...and I'm sorry to say it's not our last, because this is going to be a very, very shameless low-budget ripoff of Jurassic Park.

While this won't become a thing until the third season, when producer David Peckinpah will be brought in by FOX to murder the show, this is really the first of the episodes of Sliders that is a shameless ripoff of another property just to use that popular movie or show's brand recognition in a way that skillfully avoids copyright infringement. This will move Sliders from being a more cerebral show about things like a world where Penicillin had never been invented, or posing questions about how intellectual superiority does not equate to ethical superiority into a more action oriented one that turned many viewers off and nearly killed the show.

...and then did kill the show.  But that dumpster fire awaits us going forward.

Escaping the woods with the Faux Rex's roars still being heard in the distance, the group seems to be getting far enough ahead...only for Arturo to fall and injure himself. Unable to continue alone, Quinn and Rembrandt assist him.  However, none of the Sliders noticed that they've left something behind...the Slide timer! They have a few more concerns, however, when the T-Rex first comes into view...and it's just...well, see for yourself...

Worst. CGI. EVER!

...I have no words. I'm aware it was 1996. I'm aware this was a fairly low-budget production. I'm aware that FOX goes with science-fiction like oil goes with water. But really? Was an attempt even made to make this thing look anything but absolutely ridiculous? Giving the main four actors credit, they do express their horror at seeing it...though I prefer to thing it was more a fear of having seen the effect and being shocked that such a thing could exist.

The T-Rex avoids them, because plot, and the group continue their way through the woods. They decide to head for a cave, Quinn asking Arturo to check for the time until they slide...and then they realize no one has the timer, Arturo must have lost it when he tripped.  Quinn decides to go after it, reasoning that they might only have a few minutes before the next slide. While Remmy stays to help Arturo, Wade goes to get some water from a nearby river. And once more, the T-Rex shows up to muck about and (I preumse was intended to) look menacing.

And of course, Wade doesn't sound remotely frightened by it as she runs off to tell Remmy and Arturo about it, the three running off to a cave with Wade saying that Quinn will find them. Thus, they settle in and start discussing before Wade decides to go look around...because she's not afraid of the crappy CGI T-Rex.

No, I'm not letting this go. Get over it.

As Wade is scoping out the cave, she notices a few items of interest - a cot, some large tusks, several crates with dino eggs and bones. When Remmy comes to check up on her, she brings to him her belief that there are other people here, which I'm sure they're all grateful for beyond belief. Around the campfire, they discuss who these people might be. Arturo mentions that sliding is never time travel, time in every universe remains consistent. So the question isn't why there are people here so much as it is why dinosaurs are here, seeing as dinosaurs and humans on their Earth are separated by about sixty five million years.

Arturo also brings up the theory that dinosaurs might not have been cold-blooded, saying that there's no conclusive evidence that they were - except, y'know, there has - so they could potentially have lived in any environment.  Before they can make science cry some more, however, a woman comes into the cave. A Dinosaur Perservation Ranger, she is here to arrested them all for poaching. All of San Francisco on this world is a gigantic biological preserve for dinosaurs.  Some might call it a...park? Heh heh.

They protest their innocence, saying they've got a friend who ought to be able to corroborate their story, but the Ranger tells them they don't anymore - she found a man's body not too far off. Arturo tries to get them not to panic, but Wade pulls a Tea Leoni and runs out to call for Quinn...only for Remmy to stop her and talk her down.

Back in the cave, the Ranger and Arturo talk - the Ranger identifying the dinosaur that has been pursuing the group as an Allosaurus, not a Tyrannosaurus...because just barely avoiding completely being a rip-off. Arturo begins to explain, but she tells him to save it for the trial - an arrest team is already on the way. Remmy tries to grab her to talk some sense into her, but his hand passes right through her...she's a hologram! Arturo tries to use this to their advantage, bringing up that they have never seen a holographic guard before. And thus, he gives the outline of the series thus far.

Because Hologram Ranger is firmly on the sanity train, she doesn't believe them. And she claims that she's been seeing them for weeks and seen the trouble they've caused...which puts me into mind of her seeing their doubles from this world, but it's not quite time to revive that counter gag yet. For the time being, Wade tries to use the fact that they're wearing the True Collars as proof that they're not lying, and even allows herself to get shocked several times to prove their innocence.

We get a bit of the "humans are genocidal monsters" talk from the Ranger - and shockingly not from Wade - before they discuss that Quinn is still missing and needs to be found. Remmy moves to head out, wanting to identify the body and see if it's Quinn. The Ranger assures them that they will not be able to escape and she can track them anywhere. In one of the redeeming moments of this episode, Arturo, Remmy, and Wade all share a laugh over that statement before Remmy heads out to find Quinn.

In the woods, he calls out for him, looking about as we hear the ominous roaring the Allosaurus in the distance. Back at the campfire, Arturo and Wade talk about the naked folks world from the end of "Gillian of the Spirits", and Wade talks about her crush on Quinn from before and admits for the first time that she unconditionally loves Quinn, even to the point of giving her life for him.

Remember that. It's going to hurt later.

Arturo reminiscences about the first time he ever met Quinn. He looks upon Quinn as a first class mind, He's certain that he's well, completely and utterly believes it to the point where his Truth Collar doesn't even go off when he makes the statement. And from the smile that Wade gives as a result of realizing that, it seems she believes it, too.

Don't move...can't see you if you don't move...

Back in the woods, Remmy's still looking around in what is clearly not night for Quinn. The Allosaurus catches him and he holds perfectly still, thinking that that will save him. Back in the cave, Arturo and Wade hear two whooshes that they believe are gunshots. Remmy, in the meanwhile, uses the gunshots as a distraction to pull a Usain Bolt and run run run! Wade runs out to him, but they both head back toward the cave and decide not to stick around to find out what caused the gunshots...until they get back to the cave and find that the real poacher has returned.

They get Arturo's leg in a splint and the Ranger and the Poacher have an argument with raptors being brought up that we are unfortunately not going to see...presumably because there was only enough money in the budget for the CGI-Rex. The Poacher wants to cut a deal with the Sliders, seeing that his partner was killed. They help him haul his goods out of the park, he gets them out of the park and gets Arturo help for his leg before he has to lose it. The Ranger insists that he's lying, though he retorts that he's been able to run around in the park and the poaching that he's doing is bringing in a lot of help to various medical applications.

Their bickering back and forth goes nowhere and the Ranger begs them for help. The Poacher refutes it, though, saying that they would never bring the helicopter out to the park before he uses a device to disrupt her hologram projection.  Remmy, Arturo, and Wade discuss the deal and Arturo's state, which has only improved marginally. They have three options before them - the Ranger, the Poacher, or the timer. There are all in agreement that they cannot leave until they learn of Quinn's fate.

Wade goes to tell the Poacher, but he's not having any of it. Because of them, he's potentially going to become the most wanted man in America, so they owe him as he sees it. They all head to get some rest...more or less at gunpoint thanks to the Poacher threatening them with his hair trigger. While Remmy is able to get some sleep, Arturo and Wade aren't and stay up and prepare to hatch a plan to turn the tables on the Poacher.

Wade sneaks over and removes the device he used to jam the Hologram. They activate it, but she does not reappear. Going with Plan B, Wade heads out after being shocked by her collar for insisting that she knows what she's doing. In the woods, we hear the sounds of nature but alas see no dinosaurs as she skulks around searching for Quinn. The Poacher catches up to her, insist that Quinn is as good as dead if he is out here. The Allosaurus finds them...though we don't see it this time because I presume the budget ran out. And suddenly, Quinn arrives after having spent nearly the entire episode offscreen and pulls a George McFly before fling rocks to distract it.

Quinn and Wade escape as the Poacher readies his gun...only to realize, what do you know, no more bullwets! The Allosaurus has a tasty snack as Quinn and Wade watch with apathy. Back at the cave, Quinn explains where he's been and Quinn gets their collars off again. Quinn also reveals that in all the time he was gone...he still didn't miss the timer, so they very well could have missed the Slide.

That's right...we're in the last five minutes of the episode mode.

Remmy starts digging around for anything that would be useful against the Allosaurus and the Ranger reappears. Apparently, she's been trying to get them to authorize a helicopter...but it's apparently a no-go because of dinosaur mating season. She did, however, find the timer - they have about an hour and a half left. They being frantically looking through the Poacher's belongings, finding attractants and repellents but they're not labeled. They also find a flare gun, a rope...and a grappling hook, noticing the hole in the roof of the cave they could climb out of.

The Sliders set their plan into motion, Wade climbing out while the others go through the front door. Quinn heads out with the Ranger to get the timer while Remmy and Arturo give commentary from the doorway. On Quinn's signal, Wade fires the flare gun to distract. By the time Quinn gets the timer and finds out the Ranger was wrong - they now have only two minutes.  The Ranger pops back to the cave to warn Remmy and Arturo, who take off running. Wade, likewise, is also running for it. At the foot of the hill, Quinn opens the vortex as the other Sliders and the Allosaurus all make their way to it.

Nope, still dumb...

Quinn gives another signal, Wade shatters the tube of repellent, which distracts the Allosaurus long enough for everyone to make the Slide just in the nick of time and Quinn narrowly avoiding being eaten before he jumps in. We cut away to an archaeological dig, where one of the people on site says that they've unearthed the best Allosaurus skeleton he's ever seen just before the Sliders fall in from their vortex, Quinn getting a jump scare as he falls right toward the skeleton's mouth..and then accidentally steps on and shatters a bone...earning him an irate look from the archaeologist. So we can presumably have one more laugh before the credits roll...

This is one of those episode that I don't like (go figure), but not for the usual reasons. It's not a terrible episode, in all honesty. The pacing is a little wonky, but its Sliders, and complaining about pacing in Sliders is kind of like complaining at the sky for being blue. The message of "humans are genocidal maniacs" is a drum that is far too often beat on, and doesn't really work in this situation. The Sliders are not a group of hubris-driven maniacs out to play God or kill dinosaurs for profit, they're a bunch of people that go lost in a biological preserve with creatures that want to eat them. Now for the Poacher, yes, but he ends up getting his just desserts anyway. So...who exactly is that message for?

Even the Poacher is using some of the gains from the hunts to help with various medical applications such as skin grafts and heart surgery (even if he makes a profit with some of it - after all, he says, he's no saint). So, that message doesn't really work here except for just being one of two generic ones that one uses in a "man meets dinosaur" story.

Quinn's absence during this episode is also rather confusing, and I would attribute it to other dinosaurs becoming involved...except that we don't see any. Some other species get mentioned, but otherwise there's no appearance by anything but the Allosaurus in a biological preserve of some creatures. And of course, I do understand the limitations of budget, but not seeing any others in an entire park devoted to them is just depressing.

We do get some good character moments, particularly the scene with Arturo and Wade in the cave when talking about Quinn. But this is really one of those situations where if they couldn't bring their A-Game to the table, then the they shouldn't have made the attempt.

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