From MadCap's Couch - Doctor Who: "The Pandorica Opens"

Piscem hunc magnum quondam cepi!

And so, we come to it at last! The first part of the epic two part finale of Series 5!

Let's GOOOOOOOO!

The Pandorica Opens opens (see what I did there?) in 1890 France with our old friend Vincent Van Gogh, who is having a very, very bad time. His doctor is unable to console him, and he and one of the villagers from the episode look in confusion at Vincent's latest painting - which we do not clearly see.

Far and away in the War Cabinet of 1941 London, Professor Bracewell brings the painting to Winston Churchill. Again, we do not see it, but Churchill is basically told that they don't have to understand it - just deliver it.

We cut away again to the 51st century in the Stormcage prison facility, where Doctor River Song gets the longest of long distance calls from Prime Minister Churchill. The TARDIS, it seems, redirected the call to her. River concocts a daring escape from the facility using hallucinogenic lipstick. She escapes to The Royal Collection, where she encounters Liz X several centuries on from when we last saw her, the Queen putting her a gunpoint as River steals a particular painting, insisting that she needs to show the Doctor the painting.

Arriving at the Maldorium, River meets with Dorium - a Crespallion who will become a bit more important later - and blackmails him into giving her a vortex manipulator using a Calysto pulse device that can defuse the micro-explosives that River snuck into his wine.

Not the best way to clean your outhouse, but okay, Doc...

Meanwhile, on the TARDIS, Amy ponders the engagement ring. The Doctor distracts her with his usual brand of hijinks. In this case, the Doctor is taking Amy to the oldest planet in the universe where a particular phrase has been written that has never been translated. And just what could this message be that no one has ever translated before?

"Hello, Sweetie"

...also, some coordinates, which takes the Doctor and Amy to Britain at the time of one of the Roman invasions. Amy is quite well-versed in this - it was her favorite subject in school. Mostly because of hunky Italians. A Centurion mistakes the Doctor for Caesar and brings them to Cleopatra... River, hamming it up in her usual style. She chides the Doctor for not answering his phone and then unveils the painting - the TARDIS, exploding.

Intercut with the Doctor, Amy, and River riding through the countryside, we see the conversation that followed. River knew where to bring the Doctor due to the coordinates written on the TARDIS door panel. The painting's name? "The Pandorica Opens". The Doctor insists that it's a fairy tale, but River is adamant that something terrible is about to happen concerning it, or the Doctor's TARDIS, or both. The place that the three are riding to? Stonehenge, which is apparently soaked in particles from energy weapons discharge. Deciding to peek in further, the three rig up a device that opens a secret passage down beneath the Earth... all of them having missed a Cyberman head lying out in the grass by the rocks, bereft of a body, which twitches menacingly...

In a cavern that would fit quite well in an Indiana Jones flick, the three explore and find... a perfect cube, the Pandorica. It is there that they find a Cyberman arm as well, a clear sign that someone else has been here in the recent past. The Doctor waxes philosophic about what such a creature that could be trapped in such a box. River laments the fact that good wizards in fairy tales always turn out to be the Doctor, and Amy mentions the comparisons to Pandora's Box. The Doctor notes the strange coincidences - Amy's favorite subject and now Amy's favorite book as she mentions Pandora's Box is.

Whatever the case may be, the Pandorica is opening and it is transmitting a signal out to the universe. The Doctor and River attempt to stop the signal, but they find it's too late. The Daleks, the Cybermen, the Draconians, and a gaggle of other races from across the Doctor's history have arrived and their fleets are surrounding the Earth. Faced with such odds, the Doctor decides to enact a cunning plan to use the Romans... who are basically fighting with spitballs and chewed gum. River gets captured almost immediately by the Romans, who have seen through their ruse, but manages to convince them to assist the Doctor with the cunning use of higher technology.

A lone Centurion whispers to the commander, his face obscured, and River is told that she has a volunteer...

...oh, hey! I remember that guy!

While the Doctor pokes and prods at the Pandorica, Amy pulls out the engagement ring and confronts the Doctor about it. She feels some sort of strange connection to it that she cannot explain and, despite the Doctor encouraging her... Amy still can't remember Rory.

The Doctor admits that he didn't take Amy along with him just because... her life makes absolutely no sense even down to her house with too many rooms and not enough people.

The Cyber Arm ends up bringing a short end to their conversation, Amy acting as a distraction as the Doctor sonics the arm to death... and Amy getting pulled back by the decapitated head via the use of tentacle cables. With the Doctor shocked into unconsciousness, it attempts to clamp itself around Amy's head and she casts it aside... only to be hit in the neck by a tranquilizer dart. The rest of the Cyber body reveals itself, claiming its head and lumbering toward Amy as her vision begins to blur and distort. Luckily, she falls into a small room with closed doors. Calling out for the Doctor, a sword slides into the door and it opens to reveal a very dead Cyberman... and Rory!

Rory, the Lone Centurion! He's alive!

I mean, he's in 102 AD, but he's alive!

He also catches Amy as she falls unconscious. We get a comedy moment where the Doctor calls Rory by name several times as he tries to work out a plan... and then comes back when his neurons finally fire off in the right direction. So how is Rory back? He has no idea, only having fuzzy memories of his death followed by waking up as a Roman, apparently with all of his memories intact. Rory asks the Doctor if Amy missed him, but before he can answer, hijinks occur!

The Pandorica is in the final stage of opening and the fleets are massing over Stonehenge. The Doctor sends River out to get the TARDIS. He also begins what is unquestionably the definitive monologue of the Matt Smith era, which I will transcribe here...

Now, the question for the hour is, "Who's got the Pandorica?" Answer: I do. Next question: "Who's coming to take it from me?" Come on, look at me! No plan, no backup, no weapons worth a damn, oh, and something else I don't have: anything to lose! So, if you're sitting up there in your silly little space ships with all your silly little guns, and you've got any plans on taking the Pandorica tonight, just remember who's standing in your way! Remember every black day I ever stopped you, and then, and then, do the smart thing!

....let somebody else try first!"

...badass, unfortunately to get twisted hard. More on that in a minute. The speech seemingly works and the alien ships all back off.

In the TARDIS, River prepares to bring it along. It dematerializes... but the sound is all wrong. River wonders what's wrong.

And then there's these assholes!

Rory gets some heartbreak as Amy does not recognize him - though thanks him for saving her from the Cyberman.

River has some trouble flying the TARDIS, plummeting through the vortex.

The Doctor catches Rory up on what he's figured out - an explosion on the 26 of June, 2010 that is happening everywhere at once... or will be... or has...

Rory laments how Amy doesn't remember him... but the Doctor tosses him the engagement ring and tells him to stop his whining. How is Rory back despite having been erased from time? Sometimes, wonderfully impossible things happen and they are called miracles. Or so the Doctor says, anyway.

Back on the TARDIS, River misses that the TARDIS had landed on Earth on 26 June 2010... as a crack appears in the monitor and a sinister voice claims that "SILENCE WILL FALL!". She appears in Leadworth at Amy's house, finding it in shambles. Marks are burned into the grass. In Amy's bedroom, she finds the Raggedy Man doll and other assorted items including a book on Roman Britain and one on Pandora's Box, realizing that something has gone horribly wrong.

Outside, Rory approaches Amy. After some initial chatting, Rory notices that Amy is crying. As he attempts to console her, River calls the Doctor to tell him that the Romans can't be real. Someone has been using Amy's memories to develop the world around them. The Doctor and Amy both are surrounded by sleeper agents that could become active at any moment.

Amy starts... sort of... to remember Rory, though subconsciously at first. Amy insists that she doesn't know who Rory is... and yet, he insists that she is remembering.

"I have to do what to be in Guardians Vol. 4?!"

The TARDIS begins to malfunction as though someone has taken control of it. River cannot fly away or even shut the TARDIS down. That same sinister voice keeps telling her that "Silence will fall!".

A signal is broadcast from the Pandorica, rebooting all the Romans - including Rory. While River struggles with the TARDIS, the Pandorica finally starts to open up. The Romans being to move, revealing themselves to be Nestene duplicates. The Doctor gets captured, River is trapped in the TARDIS, and Rory tries to fight the Nestene programming... as Amy finally manages to remember Rory as he insists that she run before he kills her.

The Daleks, Cybermen, Judoon, Sontarans, and other races arrive as it seems that the Pandorica is not opening... it is prepared. It finally opens... revealing an empty seat and restraints.

Rory finds the ring on Amy's person. Amy tries to get Rory to fight his programming using their love... and Rory's Nestene hand blaster activates, killing her.

The assembled races drag the Doctor to the Pandorica, forcing him into it. They will save the universe... from the Doctor! Their data all suggests that the Doctor will be responsible for destroying the universe via the Cracks in the universe. The Doctor protests his innocence, insisting that they need to release him before the whole of reality collapses, his screams heard... until the Pandorica is sealed.

River finally gets the TARDIS doors open... and finds a stone wall. She mutters a pained, "I'm sorry, my love" as she turns back to see the sparks rising from the console.

On the surface, as a distraught Rory holds Amy's body, we pan back and away out into space. Earth floats in that void as every single star in the sky... burns out...

...I don't know about you, but I need a cigarette after that one.

Soul. Crushing. Agony.
Arthur Davill sells it!

The Pandorica Opens is magnificent from start to finish. Calling it anything less would just be underselling it in the worst of ways. Steven Moffat absolutely knocked it out of the park, setting up and paying off a hell of a start for a finale. We are left with everyone in the worst of positions as we cut to the credits and it is utterly devastating, even to the point of the entire universe collapsing around the Earth.

...will the momentum be kept in the second part? Come back next week to see if the Doctor and company can save the universe in... The Big Bang.

BE. THERE!