This still isn't the worst film in Sword and Sorcery 2020, but it is damn near close.
Dungeons & Dragons was bad.
Highlander II? Baaaaaaad.
Deathstalker was a war crime never to be matched. If The Last Jedi didn't exist, it would be the worst film I've ever seen.This isn't a statement I make lightly, I guarantee you.
So...no, Red Sonja isn't the worst movie on this list, but it is definitely bad. Multiple and terrible varieties of bad. In concept, it's not a bad idea. I mean, Conan managed to work and Red Sonja is a Robert E. Howard creation...sort of.
You see, Red Sonja was a character created by Roy Thomas, Jr. and Barry Windsor-Smith while they were working at Marvel Comics. Rather than being a heroine of the Hyborian Age, Red Sonja's two composite characters - Red Sonya of Rogatino and Dark Agnes de Chastillion - were both from stories set in the 16th century. Because of this...this movie is technically a COMIC BOOK MOVIE.
Oh. Oh, the joy!
I'm gonna need some more rum, I feel.
So, Red Sonja's comic origins are actually pretty faithfully transposed onto the screen...namely that she was raped and left for dead by a bunch of soldiers. Yeah, that's right. Origin story by rape was apparently something that flew in the 1970's. If only it flew this far...and it really doesn't. Our story quickly becomes a sword and sorcery retelling of I Spit On Your Grave real fast when a Celtic Goddess shows up and grants her the power to gain revenge on her attackers...on the condition that she never lies with a man who doesn't first defeat her in honorable combat.
Yeah, so this is just...yeah. Yeah, lot of problems here right off the bat. It's not a bad origin, per se, just incredibly squicky and basically the reason for the "Unobtainable Valkyrie" stereotype. At the very least, her costume is slightly more conservative than her comic counterpart...but not by much.
And now, I'm not knocking the cheesecake. I like cheesecake, but I'm finding it hard to ogle the sexy badass warrior chick when just twenty minutes ago I saw the end result of her being raped. Even if she is Brigitte Nielsen in 1985.
Yes, we have Brigitte Nielsen as the titular Red Sonja. You might know Brigitte from Rocky IV...and that's really about it besides this movie. Oh, and she was married to Sylvester Stallone for like, five minutes.
Apparently, Sandahl Bergman (who you might remember as Valeria from my Conan the Barbarian review) was offered the role of Red Sonja but said no in favor of playing the evil Queen Gedren. I only bring that up because the male lead for this film is one Lord Kalidor, played by none other than the T-800 himself - Arnold Schwarzenegger. It would have been a bit of a wink and a nod to what they were working within the mythos of, but nah...nah...
I'm not even saying Schwarzenegger and Bergman had a great deal of chemistry, it would have just been amusing.
Regardless, Sonja undertakes a quest to kill Queen Gedren, the leader of the soldiers that killed her family and raped her.
It's just not good. The acting is bad, performances being phoned in left right and center. The editing on the music is utterly bizarre in some places, which can cause a hell of a lot of tone whiplash. Schwarzenegger does well with quippy one-liners, but isn't exact an Olivier at acting when it comes to serious or dark moments thanks to the accent - rather like he wasn't in Destroyer, now that I think about it.
He also jokes about using this film as a form of punishment for his kids, calling it the worst movie he's ever made...so I suppose he'll be showing Terminator: Dark Fate to his grandchildren?
Conan the Barbarian and even Conan the Destroyer had likable characters and quotable lines. There were things to remember about them, things that keep you coming back to them. Alas, Red Sonja has none of that. It's generic as hell, and when it's not doing that it's just...really bad. As I said to start, it's not the worst film I've reviewed for Sword and Sorcery 2020 and it's not the worst film I've ever reviewed in general, but it's up there.
Avoid this film if you haven't already seen it. If you have, then know that I weep with you.
Red Sonja was brought to us by the Dino De Laurentiis and MGM/UA Entertainment Co.
For the latest from the MadCapMunchkin, be sure to follow him on Twitter @MadCapMunchkin.
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